Ending Therapy?

[Jane.l]

I really understand where you are coming from and when I was having problems the other week I did think - great just one more person who wasn't what they seem, one more let down etc etc and I know the temptation is it say f**k it to the whole damn thing but ...

Although talking about it seems pointless I don't think your T is thinking 'you don't count ' so you need to find out what he is thinking and shut that 'you don't count voice up ' - that's why it is worth talking about

Until then - you DO count big time !!

 

[Hope4Now]

You DO count. I think he made a mistake dropping this big change in you at the end of a session. It sounds like this is not really like him to do? It seems as if it would be a good thing to talk with him about all this at your next appointment. Whatever you decide beyond that, some kind of closure to this rift in your relationship seems important for you to get. Ripping off the bandaid may seem a better thing to do, but it doesn't heal the wound...in fact, it can make it worse.

 

[scout86]

@Jane.l , I really DO think you get where I'm coming from and that means an awful lot. (It's also probably why it was so easy to relate to you the other week!)

I just sent him what's going to be my last email, unless I actually hear from him. I explained that I'd finally figured out what was bothering me about the situation. That being, at the end of the last session, he explained his (perfectly reasonable) change in plans. Then he said "see you next week". Which left me wondering "Hey wait a second, how does this affect ME?" I've felt a bit guilty for thinking that, because it seems potentially selfish. Now I'm thinking that it's not that, it's a perfectly reasonable question. And, since we'd run out of time, he COULD have said something about talking about it more later. (Like maybe it actually mattered!) But he didn't. Now, maybe he planned to, I have no idea. What was I supposed to think?

Anyhow, I explained that that was what I was having the problem with and that the reason I'm having a problem with it is that, based on what he had said earlier, I had made the assumption that maybe he thought that people matter "just because". We've talked about that. That's the way I see things, but I know that's not the way everyone sees it. In fact, what I generally think is that I "matter" to other people just exactly as long as there's something in it for them. There might be exceptions, but I'm not sure I've found one yet. (I might have, once, but it also could be that he died before he got the chance to show me that I was wrong about him too. I'd like to think that I mattered to him, though, "just because" so I'm sticking with that.)

So, I explained that I was mostly mad at myself for being stupid enough to fall for this idea AGAIN and that I was, for the umpeeth time resolving to avoid that way of thinking in the future. Then I asked if we were "done yet?" and told him he could have the hour back on Thur, if he wanted it. If I don't hear something, I'm really not planning on going. I have a feeling that there's a whiff of "crazy" about my reactions here but I also think he could have handled this better. He doesn't owe me much, maybe doesn't owe me anything, but it seems like, unless he's ok with ending on this note, he at least ought to admit that he could have handled it better. Even if he only handled it as he did because he hadn't thought how it might come off at the time. (He's the one who always says that "communication is about what the hearer hears".)

I really hope I hear back from him, because I really DON'T want things to end on this note. But, if that's what happens, it is, I guess. (I am SO glad I found this web site! LOL)

 

[Jane.l]

You are handling this brilliantly - you have sent a sensible email 'setting out your table' in a perfectly reasonable national way - even if it feels a bit uncomfortable - because I guess like me taking the blame comes more naturally. You have done all the 'right' things and I hope he gets back to you too for his sake or else I will be on a plane to sort him ! ;) He better have some pretty amazing explanation then!

I can't imagine he wouldn't respond that would be way beyond unprofessional.

So glad we can support each other :hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

My situation is not quite the same as yours @scout86 , as I was to blame, but it turned out not worth responding to. Which, as you said, may be unintentional to hurt but feels hurtful if it's not of sufficient value or importance to take a few minutes e-mail or text on a phone.

YOU DO count. :hug:

I wish you the best & hope things work out. :hug:

 

[scout86]

I checked my email a bit ago & there was one from my T. (Why is it I so often feel like a little kid, about to get chewed out AGAIN?)

He began by saying that we have time to deal with this. Went on to say that the best time to deal with it is after I have a chance to think about it on my own, then we can talk about it during session.

Is it safe to say that, no matter how good they might seem to be at what they do, it doesn't occur to most of these folks that our first reaction probably isn't going to be to think things through in a rational way??????

He ended with "See you Thursday". And here I was, planning the phone call to his office, making sure he knew I wasn't coming in......

He says he'd rather I didn't ask myself questions that begin with "Why....." But, why do I feel like an idiot? Why am I already dreading Thur? I'm thinking maybe I'd rather just run away from home.

@Jane.l good to know you have my back! :) (I wonder how much a plane ticket would be?)

 

[joeylittle]

He says he'd rather I didn't ask myself questions that begin with "Why....." But, why do I feel like an idiot? Why am I already dreading Thur?

Just a sidebar maybe-helpful thing here: All you need to do is reframe as "what is causing me to feel like an idiot; what is happening inside me to create this dread of Thursday". And then you can sort of work it out like a puzzle. It will have to do with thoughts and behaviors that are generally pretty ingrained, and/or old thoughts that are easily triggered.

The real (and only) answer to "why" will always be "because something happened to make you feel that way" - and then the something that happened will always be YOUR reaction to an event. So, a common one for me is "I feel stupid because T didn't understand what I was saying" - well, really it's not on him. So: I feel stupid because when T didn't understand, my first thought was that I was at fault and I did it wrong. So that thought, "it's my fault", causes this feeling of stupid. Where does that really come from? Oh, right, age 6.

Anyway, by the time you break it down, quite often the intensity of the feelings has lowered to a manageable level and you don't have that "I'm crawling out of my skin" feeling you get when a thought is so uncomfortable it makes you squirm.

 

[Jane.l]

Ok I am packing my suitcase !

I know T's are only human but the one thing they are meant to be good at is interaction and reading people. All he needed to say at the end of that session was 'I know it's a lot for you to take in right now, I am going to let you process this and next week we'll talk about how we are going to manage things so you get the support you need' - or something along those lines - that was all he needed to do !!!

I do think a lot of therapy is based on the fact that we are rational logical, well balanced , emotionally in tune people - hello we are not !!! Urgh

Ok - so you know where you stand.
You are not being 'an idiot ' you are reacting to his less than thoughtful way of handling this situation.

Do go Thursday I think you need some answers and need to see this thinking - I want some freaking answers and to see his freaking thinking too to be honest.

Not surprised you feel a bit peed off about the whole thing - it's totally understandable but I think you will feel better after you have talked it over with him.

 

[ButterflyBean]

@scout86 - I have been diligently reading this thread and its replies. I just wanted to say that I can totally empathize with you, and I would strongly advise against abrupt termination. I terminated with one of my therapists in May because in so many words, she said I needed more than what she could give, and we determined that our relationship was no longer therapeutic. I didn't want to drag out the inevitable, so I never went back after that session. I did write her a letter for an attempt at closure, but I am praying the price now. The price is hard to explain, but I urge you to go back because I don't want you to make the same mistake I did! If you have questions, feel free to send me a private message.

 

[scout86]

@Jane.l Thanks! I literally laughed out loud. (I DO have a spare room. Do you like dogs?)

My reaction, last night, was to feel both guilty (this is "all my fault" after all) and like an idiot, By this morning, it occurred to me that what he did is like if I decided to end an otherwise ok session with a horse by throwing something at him, yelling, and waving my arms, then expecting him to calmly walk back to the barn and "think about it until next time." I've never actually tried that to see what would happen, because it's NUTS!

So, I've decided to treat this as a teachable moment and try to explain it to him. I'm assuming he just misses the point. He's not stupid and he's not mean, so the most likely explanation is that it hasn't occurred to him that, if I could process things that way, I probably wouldn't BE in therapy in the first place. I'm also kind of curious about how he handles his own mistakes. He's never actually said something like, "I could have handled that better". There hasn't been a lot of reason to, but this looks like a place where it might be appropriate (to me anyway). I'm pretty sure I'm right about that and I'm wondering if I can get him to see it and then what will he do?

I think I'm also going to try to set up a poll on here. I'm wondering two things. 1) How many people here have had there therapist spring something disturbing on them at the end of a session with no time to talk about it that day. 2) How would others handle it if their T had said, "I'm closing my practice the first of the year. See you next week." Then I'd like to show him the results. And encourage others to do the same. @Jane.l , you're right. All he had to do is reference the fact that we could talk more about it later and I'd have known he got that there was something to talk about and it would have been fine. "Finer" anyway.

I'm not exaggerating, that's what he did. Except that he did that thing he does when he's struggling first. He took a deep breath and looked at the ceiling, THEN he said it. I hope he doesn't play poker because that's a really obvious tell.

 

[joeylittle]

I'm also kind of curious about how he handles his own mistakes. He's never actually said something like, "I could have handled that better". There hasn't been a lot of reason to, but this looks like a place where it might be appropriate (to me anyway). I'm pretty sure I'm right about that and I'm wondering if I can get him to see it and then what will he do?

Just story-sharing, if it helps. Over the course of our 2 years together, I've learned a lot about my therapist and the things he's not good at doing, at least with me. I've learned them by eventually being able to tell him things that hurt me. So, I have to call him if I'm in really bad shape, and wait for a callback. When that day first came, and he never called back, I was beyond the beyond, it was so upsetting. And he apologized (something about his paging system), and I didn't think he apologized enough, but I grit my teeth and moved on. After we had this problem 2 more times, I started with "I'm not calling anymore". But eventually the conversation got productive, in which I learned:

• his personal belief in life is that one, honest, face-to-face apology is all that is required. A second one starts to put pressure on the other person to "reassure" the apologizer, and then it's not an apology anymore, it's something else.
• how his paging system works and what I should do if there's no callback - basically, how to make sure he's not just sleeping through the first one, which is a human thing. And because we agreed on a protocol, I didn't feel helpless anymore, or like I was "doing it wrong"
• That technology can fail, and that's a bummer, but it's not directed at me, personally.

So now, if something goes wrong - on any level - when he apologizes once, and only once - even when I sometimes would like more, I know it's not forthcoming. Not because of how big or small he considers his mistake. But because he really means it, and there will only be one.

Your guy made a mistake. Seriously, that was just one for the books. I suspect you're right - he wasn't sure about saying it right then, but he thought he needed to, and he was hoping it would go OK. He downplayed it because he didn't want you to register it as a big deal. Backfired, that one.

Telling him it was really frightening to you, it caused you distress, and it communicated to you that he was no longer as committed to working with you as he was before. He's addressed the third point, I think, in his recent email. But still - you have a relationship based on trust, and it's been affected by this, so it's important to you that you express how you feel, and you'd like to hear where he's coming from, so you can understand and (hopefully) move on.

I think that is really, really important. And who knows what he'll say - but it matters that he say it. So, I think the whole point of this way-too-long post is that you don't have to think you are "pretty sure" you're right and "wonder if you can get him to see it" - trust that you are right about how it made you feel, and all you can do is tell him that. You don't need to actually teach him anything, just saying it should be enough. And if it's not, then that will mean something as well. But the more honest and direct you can be, the better the conversation will go. That way, he doesn't have to be helping you tease out your own feelings (like a good therapist should) and acknowledge his own.

 

[scout86]

@joeylittle . there's some REALLY good stuff in that reply. I may have to print it out.

Funny what you said about apologies! I TOTALLY get what your T means. I grew up in an environment where that "game" was played. There's a way of doing that where the person who made the "mistake" can take the whole "apology" thing and spin it around so YOU feel like YOU are the "bad guy" because you even thought maybe some sort of an apology was called for. Oddly, I still play "my" role in that, even if the other party isn't playing the game at all. Which is probably why my first thought was "This is all my fault." LOL

There has been kind of a lot going on the past few weeks. Some of it good, but I guess it's still "stress" and I've felt like I've been sort of living out on the far edge of what's manageable. Of course, I haven't mentioned that in therapy, although some of the "stress" has COME from therapy and some other stuff he knows about. He just doesn't know how I feel, because I didn't tell him. (In my part of the world, that's sort of an ethnic things as well as a mental health thing. Those of us of Scandinavian decent tend to grow up with a stoic, "I can handle it/don't want to be a bother" attitude.) And then, only moments before, he'd been suggesting I try some thinking that seems like it's going to be hard/risky..... LOL Kind of a spectacularly bad combination, if you ask me!

Anyway, a few weeks ago, he threw out the idea that maybe I don't need to worry so much about how I'm "supposed" to be, maybe it's ok to just be the person I am. Kind of a radical thought! LOL Some of what you said reinforces that. I guess we'll see how he feels about getting what he asked for!

We have kind of an interesting relationship. In some ways, it seems like we're a lot alike. On the other hand, I don't think I've ever spent so much time talking to someone who's both smart and thoughtful and yet comes at things from a completely different, often incomprehensible direction than I do. Sometimes that seems to make communicating hard. Like we're speaking two totally different languages. Sometimes the fact that it IS hard means I learn more, or at least different, stuff. All of which means I'd miss him, a lot. I don't happen to believe that ANYONE is replaceable. You can find other people to fill the same role, but no one can ever really be replaced. Here's a place, maybe, where our communication gets complicated. The few other people I've ever tried to trust "get" that concept without ever having to discuss it. When I think about it, I have no way to know, for sure, that my T DOES get how it seems from my point of view. Lots of food for thought here!

Thanks for the good insights!