Estrangement From Toxic Family Members

[cherryblossom]

Not sure I did that right

No ;)

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[IamMe]

LOL thanks! :) I'm still learning how this all works! I'll be sure to check out the help section to figure out what I did wrong.

 

[IamMe]

I do realize she has a LOT of issues though, and that she never confronts them, and may never. I've had to place boundaries up in the meantime and it's been tough to be "the bad daughter" in everyone elses eyes...or the "ungrateful" one...'But she's your mother"...yeah, I know.

The she's your mother mentality that is so prevalent in society I think perpetuates abuse in a lot of cases. Just because you are able to biologically give birth it does not mean your child now owes you. While I do think it's important to treat your parents with respect, actually, it's important to treat all human beings with respect, it doesn't mean you have to allow yourself to be abused by someone just because they are family.

That's hard. I'm sure she really blamed herself for that...as mother do, but it got too uncomfortable, so you were a convenient scapegoat for her pain and helplessness.

Yes I know she blamed herself and I'm pretty sure she still does. Her and my brother were not on good terms when he died. A big part of why is moved out is because she and he used to fight all the time. He would always call her on her stuff and they always fought about it. I can't imagine loosing a child and being on bad terms with him at that time but it still doesn't make it right for her to blame me.

I'd done my best to help her by listening and being there for her...but I was very troubled myself, and she wasn't even remotely noticing it.

Oooohhh that is one thing that seriously burned me too! It made me so angry that I was grieving, I had lost my brother and she was just getting mad at me for not being there for her. I understand she was in pain but I was a 17, still a child. I also believe that it is the parent's responsibility to be able to put aside their own things and be there to support their child. Yes I understand grief is hard but when you are a mom you have a responsibility to be there for your child emotionally!

That's terrible. I'm sorry you had to endure that sort of betrayal from your own flesh and blood. That's just so screwed up.

It is screwed up but I did find out years later that my mom was also sexually abused and she never even remembered/acknowleged it until she was in her fifties so looking back I see that my abuse by him triggered a shut down in her and while I get that it still doesn't make it ok. Realizing that she was also abused though, and have here finally admit it to me was a huge eye opener for a lot of why she acted/acts the way she does. It actually helped me forgive her.

The person I was living with at the time came out from his room and yelled at me, while I was sobbing and distressed from nearly having been taken by a stranger to god knows what fate...and all he cared about was that I was scaring away his potential root manifested in the 16 year old nubile swedish girl traveller he'd picked up at the markets that day, who was sleeping on the couch at the time! There was no comfort...just more evidence that no one gave a shit about me.

Oh my goodness that must have been a horrifying experience! I don't know how people can be so selfish and so blind to the feelings of others. People are so selfish some times. It makes me so angry.

We teach people how to treat us...that's just how it is. The sooner we learn this lesson, the faster we can begin to put up appropriate boundaries. that we know are right for us...regardless of what anyone else thinks.

That is so true and such a hard lesson to learn, let alone apply. I have been able to do this with my mom after years of therapy but still struggle to remember this and apply it with others.

This is an important turning point. I've sort of come to this conclusion, although emotionally I haven't completely resolved it in myself...I still hold a bit of a grudge unfortunately.

Anger is so hard to let go of but holding on to it is even harder on our body and soul. I have found that letting go anger is so scary because for me my anger always covers up deep wounds and until I am ready to deal with the hurt behind the anger I can't let go. There is so much fear, at least for me, in letting go of anger. Anger is such a protector sometimes.

I'm not a mother, but I have reached this stage now, and I'm willing to forgive both of us. I'm tired of holding onto the crap and hurting myself more for doing it.

The birth of my son was definitely a huge catalyst for healing, both for me and for my mom. I told her that I didn't want him to have to suffer just because she and I had the trouble history that we did. She is a wonderful grandmother to him and loves him so much. He doesn't need to suffer just because my mom wasn't able to be there for me.

I hope my mother can have the same realization...or if she has, be able to at least admit it to me. It might help? Did it help you that she did?

It was huge that she was able to acknowledge that she wasn't there for me. I do think that my son was the catalyst for her, as I said before a big part of my conversations with her revolved around how we needed to put this behind us so that he didn't have to suffer for it to. I did not want to pass on the hurt to the next generation.

My mum always said "I love you' and while I was a child growing up I believed her...but her behavior over the last 15 years has not been very loving, so it is hard to believe that she means it when she says it and isn't just saying empty words...but I know that she is very f*cked up.

As a mom I have to say I think it impossible for a mom not to love her child. That said I also think that simply loving a child doesn't mean you will be a good parent or that you know how to express that love, how to nurture that child, how to emotionally support that child. I know for me I love my son with all my heart and soul but I also have spent a TON of time reading and talking to other moms and learning how to express my love, because words, as you have experienced are not enough.

I found a picture of her the other night when I was sorting through some stuff, and it was a really sensitive moment. I couldn't look for long, and I brought the envelope of her picture into my room. I will look at it one day and really allow myself to feel everything I feel. Right now just typing this out I feel the familiar sense of reverence for her being my mother...for bringing me into this world...so I guess that is a good sign!

:) Yes, it is! I think mother/daughter relationships are one of the most complex relationships out there, and one of the most fragile.

I did this for a while, and it worked wonders back when I was in my late teens, so maybe I will take heed and be inspired to try this again?

I haven't wanted to out of spite, or childish holding onto pain and stubbornness...but I do remember when I was making so much progress in my healing years ago, and this really helped things.

I have found that it definitely works but it certainly takes a lot of effort. I usually am able to do it for a while then I need to take a break from it and reassess where I am at. Maybe you are ready to try again! It's amazing how we can be so stubborn, sometimes to our own detriment. Letting go of our anger is so hard and so scary, but in my experience it's always worth while. :)

 

[Gamereign555]

Awhile back I wrote about how toxic my friendship was with the 'neighbors down the street'. I feel really bad about what I wrote about them because the fact is, they are really good friends of mine.

I thought I had found a new friend, somebody who would make everything normal for me again. As I got to know him he turned out to be a heavy whiskey drinker, since he was my boss I let myself foolishly see past his issues. He turned out to be very unreliable for work and pay. He would call me, stating that had a few hours of clean-up work for me to do, but when I drove down there he would be falling over drunk at times. This continued over and over, eventually he was paying me to drive him to the store to help him get groceries and so he could pick up more whiskey from the liquor store..

He became a false friend and would use the fact that he was my boss to be rude and belittling, eventually he accused me of costing him hundreds of dollars. I watched this guy spend all of his money on alcohol. He would repeat himself often as he got more and more drunk, our conversations as weeks past became more and more one-sided and nonsensical. He eventually fired me, saying I was the worst worker he has ever had and that it was my fault no work was getting done. However I always gave him my best and would do more than he required. "You don't motivate me to give you the work" he said, continuing "I think we should just be friends and hang out, you are just not work material".

Suddenly I saw my abusive step dad in him, how he would put me down, his need to be high and drunk all the time, even his appearance was strikingly similar and I felt a sick feeling in my stomach. I had high hopes for work, and a good friend. This guy turned out to be the worst friend and boss I have ever had, I don't believe he ever intended to have me work even short term, let alone pay me for it. This was toxic, one of the worst friendships (if you can call it that) I have put myself through. Since I have told him off, we have not spoken, I don't anticipate he will be around much longer at the rate he poisons himself. As lonely as he told me he was, I have decided that I don't want anything more to do with him.

I have learned some things from all this. That is that all people are human and have emotions and issues. I put him and the prospect for a friendship and a job on a pedestal that I believed would solve all my problems, and elevate myself beyond this person I am today with complex ptsd. In doing so I was cruel with my words and pushed away my true friends, shutting them out and accusing them of using me for money and caring only for themselves. They have always been kind and giving to me, we all have our struggles. I have let them borrow money and things and was quick to think they were out to use me. I thought about our friendship over the years with them and remember all the generosity and courtesy they both have shown me. I realized that what made us friends was not just the give and take but far more was more about the conversations we have have, the advice and listening. The struggles in life yes but the laughs too. The insight we give each other into our own lives, the sharing. That is what a good friendship is I believe, I strive to remember that.

We are all missing things in our lives, but we can't just drop and let go of our true and good friends just because we see something that we think is better. I have also realized that I don't have to 'buy' my friends. That it is okay if I can't loan or give out money or things, true friends will understand. I realized that out of some false sense that I had to be overly generous in everything or my friends would lose interest. I was so wrong this time.. But they are good friends indeed and accept me still even after being so rude and wrong about them and myself. The other guy I met? He called me up the other day and told me that I costed him $300 for trash that blew out of his dump trailer while he was driving. Nevermind that he didn't put a tarp over it like I warned him. He got pulled over and had to pick up trash that flew all over the road and was fined. This guy is irrational, a drunk, not a friend and he can 'shove it'. My real friends would never be so stupid, desperate or pathedic, irrational, ect.

You don't know how valuable good friends are until you think they might not be there anymore, take care of friendships as you would yourself, a garden, flesh and blood just as you are. Don't be a doormat, but don't expect that your friends demand it of you. If they do insist on taking beyond your means or only showing attention if you give, then it is time to lose that friend and look elsewhere for friendships, or remember the friends you already have instead.

 

[Lilly]

Just wondering how many other people with PTSD have had to either leave behind toxic relationships with their family or friends once in recovery, and how you deal with it. Thanks in advance.

I've cut most of my family out of my life. Pretty much the only family members I still talk to are my dad and his wife. With friends, the same. One friend left that I still talk to.
Sometimes that still feels like too much.

It definitely helped reduce stress when I ended most of the toxic relationships.

 

[Philippa]

Hi IamMe.

I thought you might be interested in an update. I just read your last post in response to mine now, and there has been some amazing progress with my own mother. I don't want to make this thread about me, but as I was reading over what you posted, it's amazing to me how much things can change.

My mother has now admitted to having failed me as a mother...that they both did in fact, and she said she realizes that they need to change or they will lose me forever. It was astounding and totally out of the blue. I had just sent a letter to my father, basically telling him to f*ck off...and then I received an email from her, which was the first contact we've had in over a year and a half, with her confession.

I think she was genuine as she even acknowledged that she marvelled at my strength for having survived all these years, and that she knows her failures caused me to suffer and the relationship to deteriorate, and then she promised to never retreat again inside her shell, which all sounds too good to be true, and I know that words are nice, but actions speak louder than words.

She has agreed to buy a book I recommended to her about emotional abuse in relationships, and will get my father to read it as well. I don't really hold out much hope of him coming round to admitting where he f*cked up. My father is way too narcissistice for that...but I guess miracles can transpire, so I'm open to it...just not willing to speak to him until there is some sign that he is being more honest with himself.

Thought you'd like to know...