General Ever Heard Of Secondary Ptsd?

[Prettysmile]

I read something about this thing called secondary PTSD. They say its common for those caring for a veteren who suffers from PTSD. I'm wondering if I have that? I would ask a therapist but I also read that many doctors do not recogonize this as an actual diagnosis. But what they have described on the web as secondary ptsd; I definitly am expeirencing those symptoms. Some of what I read said "

"You slip into a role, without even noticing it, that has you
constantly watching for people or circumstances that might "set him off." You're trying to
make sure everything stays in line - that nothing aggravates or upsets your vet - that
everything is "perfect." Despite your best efforts, you're still getting screamed at and
berated by the person you're trying to help on a much too frequent basis.

Your vet is not emotionally "there" for you. When you're upset or happy, angry or sad, you
have to deal with your emotions on your own. You begin to feel ignored and unloved and
start "protecting" yourself by treating others - especially your vet - the same way."

I broke up with my Vet a few weeks ago. Well.. he pushed me away again. This isn't the first time he has done this. However, this is the first time I've been soo aggitated, feeling angry not just at him but I find myself snapping at people. I have had nightmeres of him in combat (only twice) I've been feeling ignored and unloved. I am usually not this way and I dont know whats going on but I certainly dont like feeling this way. Secondary PTSD or am I simply bitter and angry that I waited all this time for him to come home and this is the treatment I get. Him being cold, and being shut out. I find myself feeling down and staying home more often and not wanting to do things with friends. I do however still feel in control. I'm becoming conscious of whats happening and I will force myself to snap out of it and start "living" my life again..

 

[Army_Brat_88]

Secondary PTSD or am I simply bitter and angry that I waited all this time for him to come home and this is the treatment I get.

That bus is full and it's time to call in reinforcements. Pretty, you're in the same situation as others, but I know that doesn't help at all :)

I read about that secondary PTSD thing, how a wife divorced and sued her vet husband over that, and got half his money because she won, and the vets just about lost it in anger in "how dare you think it's even .01% comperable" to their ptsd, so you *might* not ever want to tell a room full of guys that!

I understand your emotions, but the key is to push past it and not dwell on it. It sounds cold, but what I mean is when I drive home from work, if I focus on army dude, by the time I get home I've worked myself into a good lather. However, if I think about how I have to buy bananas, or other things I need to do when I get home, I'm fine. The more you churn on it, the more it'll ruin you and cause all those yuck feelings and emotions. Plus, at the end of it, what have you accomplished really? What was gained? Did he call? Text? Beg to see you? Nope. So then why let him steal your peace? I can't say "joy" because if we're on this site, we might have good moments but not necessarily the happiness we thought we'd have when they came home, so for now we need to be satisfied with peace. Peace produces patience.

I'm not saying he's doing any of this on purpose, but he obviously lacks the emotional connection to know you are suffering - which seems to be the worst issue for ppl in this situation, and you are essentially punishing yourself because of it.

I was like you, started isolating myself as a way to manifest how I was feeling about all that was going on, till finally I said "the hell with this". I allowed it to control me - and I wasn't willing to give that one more day of my life. It was enough. That's been my word this year really: "ENOUGH!" When I start realizing I'm nearing that point, I say "enough" - out loud at home (thank God no one is around - who's my cat going to tell? :))

 

[Prettysmile]

Thanks Army. I was doing okay for the past three weeks when he DID finally call last Saturday night. Thats when the anger started. I think its because I was over here worried about him and when I spoke to him he said he was doing "great". Then I said oh your great, so why havent you replied to my text msgs? Then he says in a very sarcastic way "because I didnt".

Before I could say something not so nice I just cut it short by saying "okay, I have company over I dont want to be rude. Ttyl". After that brief conversation, I couldnt carry on being myself with my friends lauging and talking. My mind just kept drifting away thinking.. Why did he even bother calling me? He doesnt care and he is just so selfish and cold. I feel manipulated and used. He did all of that begging and planning while he was active duty in another state. So many phone conversations of him saying how perfect things will be once he gets home and oh how much he loves me.

He'd call my phone soo many times I barely got anything done. If he called once and I missed the call he'd call my cel back to back atleast four times until I picked up just incase My cel was burried in the bottom of my purse and I couldnt get to it in time. Now I cant even get a text that says "hi". This is the same guy? Really? He had PTSD for two years and suddenly it decides to come out and play?

I guess I am angry because I am confused, Because I do question whether or not its just PTSD or is he really not that into me. :(. But I think I've vented enough. I havent in awhile. I held alot of it in for the past 3 months dealing with this since he been home and I think the cup just over flowed. I dont buy that secondary PTSD stuff either. I agree it shouldnt be compare to what sufferers go through. They should think of another name. Maybe ERS: Emotional Rollercoaster Syndrome. lol I dont k now.

 

[Army_Brat_88]

Pretty -

I've come to realize the painful reality that I think these guys - the non married ones mostly - they get homesick and all, and come up with a fantasy in their mind while they are gone of things in order to sustain them until they get home. It's much like we do - we create a false world that they'll come home and it will be all sunshine and roses. Then reality hits, and it ends up being nothing of the sort. Unforunately we take the brunt of it since we're emotional creatures. We took it all very personal and believed whatever was said to get us through. The guys however, they are home and doing their thing and aren't emotional to begin with - throw the armed forces into the mix and whatever could be there for sure is gone. They no longer need that vision to get them through. It's a sad reality, but I'm sure we aren't the only ones who have that story going on.

We desperately want the things we cant have - and it ends up taking us over. For them is while they are gone - that desperate clinging that we don't have at that time because we DO get to be in those surroundings they long for, and the tables turn when they are home - all of a sudden we have that desperate clinging to them because we cant have them in the end.

So what happens? We end up replaying the whole effing thing in our minds. "A+B should be C - but it's coming out E, so lemme look into D - but I have to start at A....now what about B....I'm still at E, so lemme go BACK to A" etc. Over and over, until we're nuts.

Who knows Pretty - he may be into you, and for all intents and purposes, he may no longer be since you filled the need when he needed it. Now he doesn't so they conveniently "forget" us. That's how I see my story. If you want to live like that, then you'll do what you need to which is not getting offended or hurt by it. But if you feel you need more, which you do, then it's time to call it. Regardless of PTSD or not, when you aren't there at their beck and call, they'll be like any other man and then go into overdrive cuz they can't get ahold of you. That's just a bullshit game, and you'll have to decide if you want to play that game, or be available for a man who won't. Do you want the roller coaster or not? Because if you do, you could still be on here a year from now saying the exact same things. You seem to already have 2 years under your belt, you have to ask if he's really been worth tacking on a 3rd.

If I'm honest about my situation, I think my guy came home and crapped himself knowing now he had to do everything he said all those months, and got scared because he realized he didn't or couldn't. All talk, no action - YAWN. He should have kept his fat face shut then instead of promising everything and delivering nothing. So I've made myself available for someone who can and will. But that's just me.

 

[Army_Brat_88]

One more thing - if he hasn't stepped up and commited himself fully to you as he seemed to imply, you have to ask yourself if he ever will. He's renigging on those promises, so what ELSE will he do that with if you stay together. Are you willing to be disappointed like you seem to be as long as he's in your life? They should WANT to do whatever it takes to be with you - military or not, and if they aren't, they are running. Do you want a runner? And if he DOES then cave and is with you, do you want him so much that he caved? There should be no caving involved, cuz then he's essentially doing it against his will. I don't want a "man" like that, miltiary or not. Just because they are military men doesn't mean they have balls or guts, and I think plenty hide under the guise of "PTSD" just to avoid man-ning up. It buys them time. Do you want a "time buyer" - as he decides if you're the one he will fulfill his promises with? So you hang around waiting? You have to ask yourself if that's *REALLY* love.

 

[Toria]

Hi PrettySmile, I'm in a bit of a rush and so haven't read all Army Brat's replies so she may well have said this already, but to my mind you don't have an illness you have a pretty reasonable emotional response to a situation that you have very little control over. Sorry to be so brief - about to burn dinner!

 

[amethist]

The following thread will give you more information of what Secondary PTSD actually is.

[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/secondary-ptsd.17040/#post-219234[/DLMURL]

 

[Prettysmile]

Just because they are military men doesn't mean they have balls or guts, and I think plenty hide under the guise of "PTSD" just to avoid man-ning up.

This is what URKS me Army! Ugh, I feel like he does use his PTSD as a disguise. As I said many times; apart from him disappearing for a few days and not responding to calls I see no other symptoms of his ptsd. That's why I often feel like he has his ptsd under control . Therefore him being a sufferer is not the issue. The issue is he is just afraid of committment! So he bails everytime. He keeps returning because he thinks "I'm pretty" Thats one thing he is not short with is the sweet talks and compliments. Was it love or simply lust?

My Marine, if I had to diagnose him with the naked eye, he would be a sweet talking, charming, playboy who has a drinking problem. But I do know he has does has ptsd because well he is prescribed alot meds for the symptoms. I guess. I never been to counseling with him. He says it will make him uncomfortable. But I promise you. No one would know this guy has ptsd. he hides it so well. If he can control his anger outburst, (never seen him have one) if he can control not waking up in the middle of the nights ( he sleeps like a baby) if he can control the hypervigallance ( okay this one is very obvious when we are out in public) how come he cant control his emotions towards me? I just feels like if he wanted to he could. Just like he has everything else under control.

But to answer your question I am so done. He still wants to be friends. Its not happening no time soon. Us being friends just have us going around in circles. I guess the message to girlfriends of military men with combat ptsd is dont let them use their diagnosis as a cover up. Sometimes it could simply be he is simply not that into you . He is just like any other man who is "not ready" to settle down. Thats the way I feel right now. I'm over it.

Since I'm the one who told him I will call him back and never did last Saturday, I feel like I have the power now. He is waiting on my call now. But Honestly, I doubt if thats the case. I am not on his mind. smh.

And Thank you Amethist, I guess I dont have secondary ptsd. I'm just feeling a little on edge the past few days.

 

[Army_Brat_88]

Pretty - all I can say is what does your *GUT* tell you? That's what you have to go with. Not what you talk yourself into believing or any of us says, but when you think about it all, how do you feel? If you get an unsettled feeling when you think about your situation, then you should go with that. When I get that unsettled feeling, it's like I already probably know, but just don't want to accept it.

It could very well be that he sees those things down the road, but you need to ask yourself if he's truely ready. If he were, he should have been ok-ing plans with you by now. You'd know what the steps are, but it doesn't at all sound like it.

I'm sorry P. But perhaps you need to just do your thing and leave it behind, at least for now. It does get easier, and when you slip, remind yourself if he was REALLY into it, he'd have done what it took. That's how I live each day.

 

[Prettysmile]

Army, My gut feeling is telling me that he is very much in love with me but is truly afraid. Afraid of what? The answer to that question could be 10 pages long. I always tell women that men are quite honest if you really listen to them. If they tell you they are not ready for a relationship then dammit that's what they mean. Don't try to change their minds. It is what it is.

In my case. My marine tells me he loves me, he shows me.. I get all the fluff that most girls like. The roses, the dinners, the sweet nothings when he is on his good days. But there are times when he tells me over and over " I love you, but why do you like me? You deserve better" That sounds like his insecurities. I believe someone on the forum told me that people with ptsd can feel emotions. The problem is that they feel emotions twice as stronger than we do. So if he believes I deserve better and in his head he loves me way much more than me. My conclusion comes to he may be running because he thinks I will eventually leave him. My last relationship I sort of experience the same thing. My fiance felt I will eventually leave him because I was "growing" in a different direction from him. So he cheated. The relationship ended ofcourse. My marine has told me things like, " you should be with like a basketball player or a millionaire or something..". WTF!!??? I am soo not materialistic and far from a gold digger. I don't know why he feels this way. I fell in love with his heart and how he treated me in the beginning. My gut feeling tells me that he is very intrigued by US being together but he is very confused. Infact he has admitted he is very confused.

Honestly, I am so over men at the moment and is not interested in seeing anyone else. I wanted My marine and that was it. Now this. Like I said before, I dont believe its his pTSD, maybe it plays a small role. But I know he is fully aware of our situation and how he feels and exactly what he is doing. That's what my gut feeling tells me. I think he will finally come around a few months from now and want us to go 100%. But given his track record I will have trust issues and be afraid that it will fall flat eventually. So my final answer is to just let go. And I have. He is known to go away and come back harder and more loving than when he left. But I cant stomach the pain anymore. Today I am his everything and tomorrow I mean nothing.. PTSD?? You tell me.. I dont know. I just know I dont like..

 

[Army_Brat_88]

Well, maybe just let it die down naturally. You might find it was for the best because no one makes good decisions when emotions are raging and high. By just letting it cool down you'll get a better perspective on it, see it more honestly, and on a more realistic scale instead of a romantisied one - regardless of the way it end up going.

Like you said, when they say they aren't ready, they aren't - and that goes for "confused" too.

I think too many of us essentially force these guys into relationships before they are REALLY ready for the heaviness of it - they can hardly or have hardly begun to process the stuff from the wars, they aren't good relationship material until that stuff gets into a better place. So then the decision is "do I suck it up and stay on the roller coaster" KNOWING all the stuff that'll go with it it (if you've been in it a bit), or, do you just say "I'm going to do my thing" until whatever comes around - if it's with the guy or not.

It's sad when we say "we love them" because we want to stick out out, but if they aren't as into it as they can be, you are wasting your time.

 

[Anna]

Honestly, I am so over men at the moment and is not interested in seeing anyone else. I wanted My marine and that was it. Now this. Like I said before, I dont believe its his pTSD, maybe it plays a small role. But I know he is fully aware of our situation and how he feels and exactly what he is doing. That's what my gut feeling tells me. I think he will finally come around a few months from now and want us to go 100%. But given his track record I will have trust issues and be afraid that it will fall flat eventually. So my final answer is to just let go. And I have.

You are a very beautiful and intelligent woman. You do deserve better. This man has been fooling around for too long. I think it is time to move on. PTSD is not excuse for his behaviour. Move on and keep away from him. He cannot treat you this way.