Everyone Can Talk Except Me

[Danhigh]

Everywhere I go people are having normal conversations and I feel dumb, not just wordless but hollow inside. Cafes, shops, waiting rooms are all full of people chatting but I find it impossible to join in. I'm scared of everyone, and find picking up the phone a real struggle.

My trauma started in January after I threw myself off a bridge the previous September. I have complex PTSD. Since January I have developed all kinds of fears that I never had before. I don't know if anyone else has experiences of self harm like mine and really feel ashamed to tell them.

 

[2quilt]

Danhigh,
Welcome to a safe place! It's healing for you to write about your feelings. I encourage you to write more about how you feel, get professional help locally from individual therapists or support groups, and consider medications to help you stop feeling suicidal.

Also, please read the FAQ for this website about posting when suicidal, so that you don't make any mistakes that will ban you from this website; as you may already know, it's not good for you to post online about your intentions to harm yourself when nobody who you meet online can stop you. Do you understand why the owners of this website can't allow posters to do that?

There is alot of very valuable information on this website and many hundreds of people here who feel like you do and may have advice.

 

[shiraz]

Hi Danhigh .... yes, self harming is familiar territory to many of us and the end result is usually shame. I have worked my own journey with it and survive it everyday. This is a day to day struggle to keep doing better and being better.

I like to say that when the self harming and suicidal ideations start plaguing me ... I play possum. I have learnt to ignore those impulses for days on end - it is exhausting, but it is doable.

I also find it challenging to talk. Basically my hypervigilance is so high that spontaneity and creativity have no place to thrive and this surrenders me mute - especially in groups or in public. I am fine with my partner, but as soon as there are more people about, I shut off, my brain freezes up and i can't think clearly or even follow conversation. People must really wonder about me. I used to think it was social phobia, now I think it is just hypervigilance and high anxiety.

Keep writing and reading, there is a lot to learn and encouragement to give and gain. Welcome to the forum.

 

[Danhigh]

Thanks,
I am certainly ashamed of self harming and finding it difficult to take my therapists view of myself. I was bullied quite badly at school from being 10 years old when we moved to a new area. I was bullied because of my accent then in middle school i was labelled as being gay even though i am not. My therapist thinks this is the first trauma. I am still angry when i recall this time in my life but feel helpless to change these feelings. Its as though this time is cast in stone and i carry it round my neck each day.

 

[anni]

HI-

Hi Dan,
I'm a little bit 'proof' that being in this forum is helpful. I can't stay on-line here for long because I become ansty and anxious, not to mention just plain guilty for spending so much time on myself! I've been able to stay on longer and longer and am finding some peace hoping I can post a reply to someone who strikes a cord of recognition which might be helpful.

There's a 'shame' thread in the last week or so that's been helpful. I think a lot of us just hate our own 'guts' sometimes. It is the PTSD screwing with our heads but boy is it exhausting. Please try to be kind to yourself! If self-harming is the ultimate in being unkind to yourself, then feeling guilty for being that low ranks right up there. It IS safe here and there are a seeming ton of people who 'know' us and are endlessly willing to help. The senior member really hit the nail on the head though when he told you it is very tough for your peers to see someone in dreadful pain and not be able to anything on-line to keep them from harm. Please do take care of yourself, check in here and read the endless amounts of people who share the same stories, pain, traumas and the daily success we all have sometimes. They pick you up in various ways when your day/week/month doesn't have a success, too. When things get very tough and serious, you can pretty much count on serious, knowledgable folks to weigh in with valuable content.

Just saw your post and wished to send a Hi and say please take care of yourself. PTSD does suck, but everyone here cares!
Annie

 

[Danhigh]

Hi Annie,

I too feel guilty about spending time alone. I believe that I'm avoiding contact with others and this does me harm. However I feel stressed when in company and need some time on my own to catch my breath. Its just getting the balance right and these days I'm not doing too well. Though I see my parents regularly i don't spend enough time with friends. I feel a barrier to phoning friends and making arrangements and this builds up stress so when I do get round to phoning I can barely talk.

I am glad to share these feelings with you and know I'm not alone, even when I am on my own.

Dan

 

[Manic11]

I feel the exact same way!
Welcome to the forum.
There is a lot of support here and you can learn a lot!

Take care.
Manic

 

[anni]

Hi Dan,
It's so tough to explain to anyone, isn't it? Maybe it's more like exhausting/guilt provoking/ anxiety inducing, but I just can't, that's all. Here in the forum one doesn't have to explain anything to anyone. It's a kind of relief to log on and know that we are in fact not quite alone.
I have like 6 phone calls to make today, things inclusive of doc appointments, school appointments, a tire-rotation. It's 8:10. By 3 it's likely the tires will perhaps be on the scedule and I'll have found reasons why the other calls can wait until tomorrow. But maybe I'll get to all of them! :)
Nice to know I'm not alone here, either so thanks for writing and Take Care,
Annie