Everyone wants me to just "forget It".

[katz]

I do get this. I have been having flashbacks about all sorts of stuff I thought I had dealt with… my T says I only spoke about it now I am feeling it, like I did back then. The memories are so upsetting I pace and feel like banging my head against something to make it stop. Instead I breathe and then cry from the bottom of my soul. I am kind to myself and tell myself I am safe and no one should have had to live through the shit I endured. My T told me to hold on to the feeling even if only a few seconds. It would become lighter when I allowed myself to feel the sadness and terror. Sometimes this goes on for hours, and sometimes the whole day. Sometimes I feel better sometimes numb. It comes up with every memory at different strengths. It is effin’ exhausting. I hear you Katz and send my support.

Thank you, Susan. It is good to know that I am not alone.
I think the reason that I waited for him to die is so that I could feel like it is all over. That no one can ever hurt me like he did. I once told the "secret", and the family erupted at me and accused me of lying. And of course, He denied it. So, the whole story/incident was just swept under the rug. I felt like I was being traumatized all over again, only this time it was by everyone in the family. I realized that I was on my own in my healing process.

Because he was so old, I convinced myself that he was the last and that "they" were all dead now. I knew that they would all have to face Judgement Day, and I believed that they would get their "just reward". I think that this is why I waited and kept my anger and hurt to myself after that. I decided to find a way to "heal" myself as best I could. So, I went looking for proof that it even happened.

I found out that by going to each place-or even to the general area that I remembered, I was able to mourn. I cried for that little Me inside. The one that no one helped/believed or was concerned for way back then. I went back many times and as the time went on, I felt less tears. I think that I was being the parent for that little girl. I let her cry and feel the emotional pain she had kept inside for so long. I was able to comfort her and tell her that she is not alone anymore, and that she is safe now.

I know that the memories come in waves, for me there are even years between the details that I remember. Then I have to figure out who and when to put them with. When I remember something different, then, it seems that it starts all over again. I am hoping that as I get older, I can remember and mourn enough to finally be able to put these memories in the past-where they belong.

I've learned over the years to value myself and to feel more and more of these memories, and to let others' opinions just pass by me. (It took me years and years just to convince myself that they even happened.) I am getting better at trusting myself and realizing that this past will always be part of me. Even if it is this terrible - just to be patient with myself and give me time to heal as much as I need to.

 

[Susan Jane]

You’re welcome and no you aren’t alone Katz. My family never acknowledged anything either, my mother manipulated me into believing I was responsible for her at a young age and my father’s favorite saying is we can talk but not about the past, as I got older. This meant nothing happened and it took me years to believe what had happened was real.

Fast forward my father and stepmother are reaching out now as they are heading towards death. I am done being understanding of their actions. I think they will have to sort that with themselves… it’s been decades without a word of truth,

I thought about going back to the house that haunts me. I do it visually now as it is a 10 hour plane ride and I get nauseous and shake at the thought. I hold myself and tell myself I am safe now.

Other people’s criticism of how I have dealt do not interest me. I am starting to trust myself as well…

Bravo to you. It is hard effin’ work . I guess it gets easier either way each relapse… or so I am beginning to believe.

 

[katz]

I would love your opinion on what my T told me today.
She said for me to "write an ending" for each of my "stories ". One that ends the way I want it to. I have never heard of this, what do you think? Should I dare?

I know that I will label it as "my fictional endings". ( with my memory the way it is, I might read it years down the road, and believe it)
Does this seem odd?

 

[parrotthepolly]

I would love your opinion on what my T told me today.
She said for me to "write an ending" for each of my "stories ". One that ends the way I want it to. I have never heard of this, what do you think? Should I dare?

I know that I will label it as "my fictional endings". ( with my memory the way it is, I might read it years down the road, and believe it)
Does this seem odd?

This technique had existed for a while, should you do it depends on how much you want to live in delusion if you say you might actually believe it cause even if you end up "believing" it, there would still be an unsettling feeling underneath.

 

[Susan Jane]

I would love your opinion on what my T told me today.
She said for me to "write an ending" for each of my "stories ". One that ends the way I want it to. I have never heard of this, what do you think? Should I dare?

I know that I will label it as "my fictional endings". ( with my memory the way it is, I might read it years down the road, and believe it)
Does this seem odd?

I guess that depends on how it ends for you. Maybe she is asking you to think about what ending you want, so you can see what you need .

 

[PamelaS]

I guess that depends on how it ends for you. Maybe she is asking you to think about what ending you want, so you can see what you need

I would love your opinion on what my T told me today.
She said for me to "write an ending" for each of my "stories ". One that ends the way I want it to. I have never heard of this, what do you think? Should I dare?

I know that I will label it as "my fictional endings". ( with my memory the way it is, I might read it years down the road, and believe it)
Does this seem odd

Considering an ending that you would want opens the door to the possibility. Even if it doesn’t end up exactly the same way as you write it, perhaps it can go in that direction. It’s important to process our stuff, but it’s also important to balance it with embracing the possibility of a better future.

 

[katz]

I thought about it all weekend, and honestly, I can't find a story-for any of "them". I kept coming back to the idea of getting rescued and getting the patience and understanding of parents and family. However, any of the people that I could think of to "rescue" me are the ones that actually hurt me the most. It seems impossible to remember or think of them in any other way that is not terrible and hurtful.

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

I thought about it all weekend, and honestly, I can't find a story-for any of "them". I kept coming back to the idea of getting rescued and getting the patience and understanding of parents and family. However, any of the people that I could think of to "rescue" me are the ones that actually hurt me the most. It seems impossible to remember or think of them in any other way that is not terrible and hurtful.

More to it and never posted or been here before but saw your posts and…

Maybe your ending needs to be more about you rather than “them”?
We cannot change the past or how it has affected us, you are strong enough to attempt to work through it all and seek something more for yourself. Could that strength, what must be a solid determination and understanding of many here be a good ending?

 

[katz]

The reason I wanted to use the parents and family in my story was because it started when I was so young. I don't remember any happy childhood. The little me was dealing with so much. Much, much more than she could handle - or should have to.

I'll try and think of a way to give her the childhood she missed...

 

[S800]

I would love your opinion on what my T told me today.
She said for me to "write an ending" for each of my "stories ". One that ends the way I want it to. I have never heard of this, what do you think? Should I dare?

I know that I will label it as "my fictional endings". ( with my memory the way it is, I might read it years down the road, and believe it)
Does this seem odd?

Had similar advice from a T, and it basically boiled down to "If we can't get closure in the way our tiny inner human is demanding, then sometimes the next best thing is to conclude the story in a different way."

Not erase or rewrite things as they transpired, or how they "actually ended", rather how the REAL ending (continued from said actual ending), should go. I can't erase what my mother did to me any more than I can get my family to understand it. I can't get a narcissist to admit she's a monster in any fashion but gleeful. But I can imagine all sorts of endings to her story that are ultimately irrelevant to anyone but me, and harm no one. It's...it CAN help, but YMMV.

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

The reason I wanted to use the parents and family in my story was because it started when I was so young. I don't remember any happy childhood. The little me was dealing with so much. Much, much more than she could handle - or should have to.

I'll try and think of a way to give her the childhood she missed...

everyday do one act of kindness for yourself or her. One thing you want to have been different, change it now. Give it to her now? If she wants a hug, hug her. Want to play in the rain, play in the rain.

I am not who I was or who I am but who I will be in the next moment. All easier to say than do, maybe next time a memory comes to the fore try to alter it a little now.

 

[katz]

One of the things that I have already done is to buy Her a small teddy bear. Maybe some extra warmth and softness will help the "little me" inside feel some peace, and loved.