Everyone wants me to just "forget It".

[katz]

"One" of my Demons just passed away. I have convinced myself that He was the last one. So, now they are all dead. My family-or some of it- knows about "this" Demon. Now that he is dead, they think that I should just "move on" and "let it go". I don't understand why I can't. In the past I just forgot it all, then it came back in a wave. Then I remembered more, with even more details. Are they right? Now that He is gone - should the thoughts and memories also just fade away? I'm kind of lost and not sure what I feel - or should feel... Thoughts? Advice?

 

[Friday]

Now that he is dead, they think that I should just "move on" and "let it go".

The next time someone gets insistent about it, ask why they didn’t kill him YEARS ago… if his death should fix everything, for those he hurt?

It doesn’t reeeeeally work that way, or revenge killings wouldn’t be as illegal as they are. (In parts of the world, revenge killings ARE still legal, or considered ‘community service’ and not investigated.) CAN it work that way, that someone’s death satisfies a prerequisite to move on? Yep. But it’s rare, relatively. Emotional reasoning says their death will put things right, lived experience argues otherwise, laws eventually codify the sum of the 2… in vaaaaaarious ways.

As you probably live in a country where revenge killings are illegal??? (As most of the world has come to agreement that revenge killings rarely solve anything, and moreover, cause even more problems). That thunks people in their cultural gut. (Killing wrong, cultures). If you live in a place where they ARE legal? That thunks people in a different way; as it guilt/shames for not protecting their own. Victims always have first dibs, in revenge, but victims families/loved ones are who are expected to claim the right.

Because first, they don’t kill the bastard, then they demand that his death -years, decades, later- fix everything? Nope. The zero responsibility runaround can f*ck right off.

 

[arfie]

I don't understand why I can't. In the past I just forgot it all, then it came back in a wave. Then I remembered more, with even more details.

i was raised on the mantra, "forgive and forget." forget, i did, to the point of trauma induced amnesia. who needs to forgive what they can forget? of course, i didn't really forget. the memories haunted my dreams, et al, with sanity robbing vengeance, escalating like the usa national debt until i got with a therapy program to face those demons.

Now that He is gone - should the thoughts and memories also just fade away?

it didn't work that way in my own case. what do perpetrator physics have to do with it? whatever their current living conditions, or lack thereof, ptsd goes on. in my own case, the collateral damage of repression is entirely too high to desire the fading. instead of more memory repression, i made my peace with the memory, aka forgiveness. it happened. the memories remain ugly as sin, but they no longer have the power to ruin a good day.

 

[Charbella]

Are they right? Now that He is gone - should the thoughts and memories also just fade away?

I wish they were right because that would be incredibly helpful. In my case mine died and all my symptoms that were safely contained in a vault somewhere for almost 20 years, came screaming back to life.

Just like should isn’t the way we ought to feel when we say it, neither should it be when they say it. People who want you to move on, either hate that it haunts you and think telling you to make it go away solves it or they just never understood in the first place. It’s why many of us don’t share much with outsiders.

I hope you have a therapist or another way to process all of this.

 

[Susan Jane]

"One" of my Demons just passed away. I have convinced myself that He was the last one. So, now they are all dead. My family-or some of it- knows about "this" Demon. Now that he is dead, they think that I should just "move on" and "let it go". I don't understand why I can't. In the past I just forgot it all, then it came back in a wave. Then I remembered more, with even more details. Are they right? Now that He is gone - should the thoughts and memories also just fade away? I'm kind of lost and not sure what I feel - or should feel... Thoughts? Advice?

Well be that as it may, death of one of my “demons” didn’t change my overall struggles. It did give me some relief, as my mother was a burden for me. Her being alive left me in a guilt trip for cutting her out of my life, yes I know, that guilt was mine to figure out. She abandon me, but before age 10 manipulated me into thinking I was responsible for her. That took years to understand and I only cut her off when I had my son. I wish I could have done it for myself. I did forgive her, by accepting she was too mentally unstable to be there when I was a child. To answer your question, that has been my experience…. no death did not fix it and people who haven’t been through this shit are not allowed to tell me to get over it. If it was that easy I would have done it by now. Intelligence, and rational thinking don’t change the horrific events that affected me. Sending understanding Susan

 

[PamelaS]

"One" of my Demons just passed away. I have convinced myself that He was the last one. So, now they are all dead. My family-or some of it- knows about "this" Demon. Now that he is dead, they think that I should just "move on" and "let it go". I don't understand why I can't. In the past I just forgot it all, then it came back in a wave. Then I remembered more, with even more details. Are they right? Now that He is gone - should the thoughts and memories also just fade away? I'm kind of lost and not sure what I feel - or should feel... Thoughts? Advice?

I’ve been reading the book The Body Keeps Score. The trauma doesn’t just go away when the perpetrator dies. You are no longer in danger of further harm, but the harm that has been done is still there. No one can tell you to just move on. Just like everyone else here has told you, people who tell you to get over it don't know what they’re talking about. Do the best you can with what you have where you are. That’s all you can do. You don’t have to live your life to please someone else. Be kind to yourself. Keep moving forward in your healing process. Ignore people who just don’t get it. It’s not worth the trouble they cause. Wishing you freedom from the burden of considering someone’s words when they’ve never walked in your shoes.

 

[Tanishq]

Take your time to process your things. It doesn't go away just like that.

 

[MKEPaul]

"One" of my Demons just passed away. I have convinced myself that He was the last one. So, now they are all dead. My family-or some of it- knows about "this" Demon. Now that he is dead, they think that I should just "move on" and "let it go". I don't understand why I can't. In the past I just forgot it all, then it came back in a wave. Then I remembered more, with even more details. Are they right? Now that He is gone - should the thoughts and memories also just fade away? I'm kind of lost and not sure what I feel - or should feel... Thoughts? Advice?

I've heard that let it go/move on thing since childhood. This may not work for you and I offer it bc it was my best way to move *forward*: the damn demons go with me, dead or alive. They are my formative past, for good ill. What they do not get is rights to the steering wheel, the emotional control panel, or *my future.* They are history, not future. They made a mess of me and I have woven those messes into what I always have been: a banged up, decent guy. I drive the boat. One captain, eyes on the horizon.

I’ve been reading the book The Body Keeps Score.

Excellent choice. My copy is very well-worn.

 

[Mach123]

Ive seen multiple outcomes . Some people do. Not everyone ends up with this. Idk there aren’t any reasons I guess. I went through many stages with this because I kept doing it even to myself. I will say this though I don’t talk to anyone about it anymore except qualified persons which means mostly they’re getting paid to listen . I don’t expect anyone else to understand. My first trauma therapist who told me I’d get better and talking about it would be easy after treatment (she did not know the whole story) was wrong. That was a long time ago.

 

[katz]

Thank you everyone for the thoughts and ideas. I can comment back to a few together:
Yes, I have a T - for now. Yes, I have heard of the book "The body keeps score". (of course, I haven't read it yet-scared I guess)

--I actually had a quick response for my "get over it" person... I told them "only if they could get rid of the nightmares for me". (He shut right up.) It's funny, because he was the one (my only brother) who helped thru it the most, for many years when I was much younger. He answered my questions about pictures and sounds that I remembered and couldn't identify. Things that only family would know. (Ex. locations of furniture, and other relative's houses and layouts, as well as who people were, by name)

To the person who mentioned the memories coming back now that "he" is gone...yes, they do come in waves. I even found a note I wrote in a journal, many years ago. Unfortunately, when I read it - with my counselor- it changed one of my memories. (one that I had thought I had remembered completely) It told me about a part of the ...plot, that had taken place during It. So, all of a sudden, I had much "yucky" to remember and deal with. And it was bad! (Like I didn't have enough to deal with about this particular one.)

To me, the worst part is knowing that this is only the tip of my iceberg. Example: Even though my brother helped me thru the memories about my father. The journal entry that I spoke of is for a completely different person and place. Ugg! Will I have to go thru something like this for each of "them"?

Different people, different places...it's so overwhelming. So many of them, and each so different.

My T wants me to bring in my journal, so we can read thru it together. Doing this sounds so scary. I'm so afraid of what I will find about things that I have forgotten for so long.

Thank you to everyone for listening...

 

[Susan Jane]

To me, the worst part is knowing that this is only the tip of my iceberg. Example: Even though my brother helped me thru the memories about my father. The journal entry that I spoke of is for a completely different person and place. Ugg! Will I have to go thru something like this for each of "them"?

I do get this. I have been having flashbacks about all sorts of stuff I thought I had dealt with… my T says I only spoke about it now I am feeling it, like I did back then. The memories are so upsetting I pace and feel like banging my head against something to make it stop. Instead I breathe and then cry from the bottom of my soul. I am kind to myself and tell myself I am safe and no one should have had to live through the shit I endured. My T told me to hold on to the feeling even if only a few seconds. It would become lighter when I allowed myself to feel the sadness and terror. Sometimes this goes on for hours, and sometimes the whole day. Sometimes I feel better sometimes numb. It comes up with every memory at different strengths. It is effin’ exhausting. I hear you Katz and send my support.

 

[parrotthepolly]

No your family isn't right and memories don't just fade when someone dies?? Lots of famous people are dead and their memory live on.
It shouldn't be surprising since the trauma is held in your nervous system and abusers obviously don't care and don't have much remorse, at least most hide it very well so their suffering is close to none.

Just cause he's not here anymore doesn't take away the simple fact that it has happened ... to you.

Since you hold the trauma in your system, you'll have to be the one to live and die with it.

Very easy to understand, no?

And with their logic, all the people who watched someone else die should've been healed immediately since it's "over" or if they killed the enemy, consider it "over", well that usually causes more psychology problems.
Someone else's death doesn't end the pain that YOU'RE feeling and doesn't magically erase events!

Personally,
I don't really prefer to wait for people who done me wrong to die, I take comfort in watching them live and suffer cause they have feelings too and it's impossible to not revisit certain actions in your mind and feel regret to some degree, unless they're a psychopath but with the extent of trauma to form a diagnosis or cause so much torment afterwards, even psychopathic abusers can tell it's hurtful without feeling it.

It's me that need to be dead so they'll regret what they did, or at least they can be traumatized too haha.