Sufferer Everything Is Okay, So Why Aren't I?

[Caterpillar]

I'm not very comfortable posting here because I don't feel like anything bad enough has happened in my life to justify PTSD. But denial hasn't done me a lot of favors so far, so I figure I'll take the chance.

I was actually diagnosed with PTSD in 2011 after a long series of people I was very close to attempting (and in one case succeeding at) suicide. I wrote it off as a wrong diagnosis because I didn't think the situations were bad enough to justify PTSD. The psychologist who made the diagnosis said that PTSD is simply what happens when all our coping mechanisms are exceeded, that there are no rules for what can land each of us in that place, which is probably one of the few insightful things a psychological professional has ever said to me.

Then this January my fiance, who I'd convinced myself was the exception to the rest of my life and mentally healthy, had a sudden manic psychotic break. He was forcibly hospitalized and while I don't feel like going into details, the hospital practiced some bad medicine and he nearly died. The night we were physically torn apart in the visiting room and I was forced to leave him to be further abused by their system did something to my mind. Despite my diagnosis, nothing before that had *completely* broken through my coping mechanisms. That did. The high doses of anti-psychotics I take for my bipolar disorder suppress the majority of the visual flashbacks (I got a taste of what it would be like without them when I switched meds and it was horrible). They're not stopping the emotional flashbacks, or the crippling anxiety, or the intrusive thoughts and paranoia, though.

One of the most frustrating parts is that I know a great deal about PTSD. I learned over the years to help all those suffering around me, but have now found myself powerless to control the exact same symptoms in myself.

I should add that everything in my life is "okay" now. Fiance is okay and properly medicated. I should be happy about how far we've come and about the future ahead. But I can't seem to get unstuck from the feelings of the past. I feel like I lost a piece of myself that night. The piece had probably been shaken loose and damaged by everything that came before, but up until that moment it was at least still *there*. I really need that piece back, because my confidence and any ability to trust was attached to it, among other important things.

I'm doing the "right" things, taking my medication and doing DBT therapy. It just doesn't seem to be helping much. So I came here, I guess in the hopes of getting more ideas to help, or at least a place to safely complain.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi, and welcome to the forum.

Are you seeing a trauma therapist? DBT is a great type of therapy and can really help one to deal with PTSD symptoms, but I don't think that DBT is enough in that I think its important to process our trauma(s) in order to be able to move forward.

It isn't uncommon for PTSD sufferers to minimize their symptoms and even deny the diagnosis.

Again, welcome!

 

[Sally sue]

Welcome caterpillar :)

There are no rules about what kind of traumas cause ptsd. I think your T is right when they say that ptsd happens when your coping skills are maxed out.

A trauma therapist is certainly very helpful too! At some point you really need to debrief. Even though it's hard, it surely helps get all of it out of your head, phew!

Welcome again,
Sally sue

 

[Caterpillar]

Are you seeing a trauma therapist? DBT is a great type of therapy and can really help one to deal with PTSD symptoms, but I don't think that DBT is enough in that I think its important to process our trauma(s) in order to be able to move forward.

Thanks, Solara. I think the DBT is helping, at least a little. The mindfulness lesson seemed to actually sink in and help me focus on the present, though all the talk about acceptance makes me mumble that I'll accept the things I've seen right after a certain hot place freezes over. A trained trauma therapist might be helpful. I do feel better sometimes when I talk about what happened. Though that would require me admitting to my family what is going on. They don't know about the diagnosis and I've been laying everything off on my bipolar because I'm afraid they would blame themselves.

Thanks for the welcome, Sally sue. It does help to get things out of my head. I still waiver at the edge of denial a lot.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@Caterpillar,
I don't know what your situation is, but my family blames themselves too. I tell them not to, but the guilt is there nonetheless. At some point I hope you can seek out trauma counseling as I think it would really help you. I think that families/parents often blame themselves even if it wasn't their fault. I've made quips like "well I wouldn't be this way, blah blah blah" and my dad will respond with "well that's my fault". I wasn't blaming him or anything like that, rather I was making a comment out of frustration of my current life situation. I honestly don't blame my parents. I think an important part of the healing process is being able to separate your healing from the trauma from everyone else's. In that I mean we are suffering from PTSD and need to heal, but also the disclosure of trauma to those around us means that they need to process it as well, on a different level. It's been 5 years since I told my parents, and I know my dad still blames himself, even though I have told him a million times that I don't blame him and that it's not his fault. I think it's also important to realize that by disclosing to your parents, it's not you that is hurting them, rather the hurt is an extension of the trauma that was done to you. Of course I say all of this assuming that you weren't traumatized by your family. I apologize if what I say is completely off....

 

[ptsdsolution]

Hi Caterpillar. As you say you feel like you lost a piece of yourself that night and are trying to put everything back together again.You are doing the right things even if it seem you aren't making as much progress as you would like. I am glad you are in therapy and your fiance is on the mend. I wish you years of hapiness together.

 

[Caterpillar]

Of course I say all of this assuming that you weren't traumatized by your family. I apologize if what I say is completely off....

No, what you say is correct. None of my traumas were my family's fault, though it's hard not to blame my mom a little, both for the role she played in what happened to my fiance and for how she over-shared her own problems and abuse history with me as a child. Rationally I know she just did the best she could in very difficult situations, but it's hard to silence the little voice mumbling that she should've known better. Which I then feel guilty for, because I should be grateful to have a non-abusive and generally supportive immediate family. Plus I resent her saying I should "let go" of what I saw now. Well, gee, wouldn't it be nice if trauma actually worked that way?

I mostly worry that my fiance will blame himself more than he already does. It wasn't in any way his fault that he has a mental illness or that the very authorities which are supposed to protect and help instead abused and hurt. Of course, he blames himself for not fighting harder, the same way I do. I don't want to do anything worsen those feelings.

Thanks for the welcome and good wishes, ptsdsolutions.

 

[Hashi]

The psychologist who made the diagnosis said that PTSD is simply what happens when all our coping mechanisms are exceeded, that there are no rules for what can land each of us in that place, which is probably one of the few insightful things a psychological professional has ever said to me.

I'm very confused by this. There are diagnostic criteria for PTSD, including the criteria for the type of events that can give rise to it. The criteria is not that our coping mechanisms are exceeded.

However I wonder if what your psychologist meant is that a trauma that is within the criteria for PTSD, might cause PTSD in one person and not in another. That is connected to all sorts of things including the person's history, their resilience, their inner and outer resources, the reaction of people around them, what other stresses they were going through, and whether they had support and validation after the event.

So there are rules and criteria, but within that you can't predict that every person will develop PTSD.

I think that's important because otherwise you could still be minimising your experiences. Being confronted with death (suicide attempts and suicide) is within the criteria for PTSD. They are severe traumas.

I'm afraid I'm not sure that the way you're applying the idea of "exceeding your coping mechanisms" is the most helpful way to look at things. What is the definition of coping here? Being able to healthily assimilate and accept the events into your experience? Or suppressing the effects so you can continue to function? Denial lets us cope but is that really within our coping mechanisms in a broader sense? I just don't think it's a useful concept to try to hold things up against.

You seem to be attributing your current difficulties to being stuck in a moment in time (when your partner was hospitalised), effectively seeing the past as leading up to a single moment of intense damage/loss. Instead, it seems to me that you have a history of trauma damage that in its own right has been longer than that. I agree with seeing your partner's psychotic break in the context of the rest of your life, and I would take it further than that. I think it was in the context of the rest of your trauma.

I'm saying this not to depress you, but to suggest that the way to healing is to accept that you need healing for more than losing a piece of yourself on that night. I think DBT skills help greatly. They are not enough alone. I would recommend that you see a trauma therapist, which is completely different from seeing other types of therapist.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi, it sounds like you were very traumatized and that was the triggering event that caused you to lose yourself. I think your life changed forever and you are seeing things so differently than you did before.

I agree that you may have accumulated trauma from the past and am so glad you are in therapy.

When I first started therapy, I felt like I had been picked up by my ankles and every part of me was shaken out and there was nothing left so I can relate to some of what you may be going through.

Healing is like a spiral always going up and it has a light side and a dark side. So all of your old issues will be revisited on some level when you are on the dark side of the spiral. When you are on the light side you can experience the healing you have received. I hope this makes sense.

It sounds like a branding experience is what you had that had a huge effect on you and your ability to cope well was depleted and you have to sort of start all over again now addressing the past events that traumatized you.

I wish you well in your healing and recovery. This is just my opinion and thoughts and past experiences and you can take what you like and toss the rest. I hope for your healing and recovery. You are so worth fighting for.

 

[Sally sue]

Okay, I was thinking broadly about trauma, so yes, there are diagnostic standards for PTSD...thanks for clarifying that Hashi :)

I guess I was thinking about my own recent traumas and they feel so different then others that I'm a little guarded about saying it has to be x or z, but that's me not the diagnostic category :( Sorry if I was unclear! I've had a cast on for the last 2 weeks, twice removed and a new one put on because of complications, that I feel my brain is no good...I probably shouldn't even be writing on the forum until I better...ptsd mixed with sensory overload, not a good combination. Sorry :(

 

[Caterpillar]

I'm very confused by this. There are diagnostic criteria for PTSD, including the criteria for the type of events that can give rise to it. The criteria is not that our coping mechanisms are exceeded.

I guess I liked what she said because it made sense to me and helped me accept that what I experienced might be "bad enough" to qualify. The DSM V criteria seem to be kind of vague. I mean, I guess my ex's suicide threats and attempts qualify as "threatened death or severe injury" and what they did to my fiance probably counts under the same. I certainly went through extended periods where I was living with intense fear that someone I cared deeply about might die/be killed at any moment, though what happened with my ex was actually easier because at least I was physically with him and knew from moment to moment that he was alive. I still had an element of control. With my fiance I didn't have that, and when they physically forced us apart it registered as a pretty extreme act of violence directly against me. I believed at the time and still believe that a classical assault (ie being jumped and beaten up in some alley) would've been less traumatizing because at least when it was over it would've been OVER. Instead I had 6 more days of wondering if fiance was okay and dealing with the same people I felt had been so violent.

Still, I don't feel like I deserve to classify myself with people who've survived traumas like rape and child abuse.

However I wonder if what your psychologist meant is that a trauma that is within the criteria for PTSD, might cause PTSD in one person and not in another. That is connected to all sorts of things including the person's history, their resilience, their inner and outer resources, the reaction of people around them, what other stresses they were going through, and whether they had support and validation after the event.

I sort of assumed that was what she meant. Though she may have felt the DSM criteria were too restrictive. I know not every professional agrees with everything written in the DSM.

I think that's important because otherwise you could still be minimising your experiences. Being confronted with death (suicide attempts and suicide) is within the criteria for PTSD. They are severe traumas.

I always feel like I'm being dramatic rather than minimizing, though I acknowledge that this may just be me having a skewed perspective.

You seem to be attributing your current difficulties to being stuck in a moment in time (when your partner was hospitalised), effectively seeing the past as leading up to a single moment of intense damage/loss. Instead, it seems to me that you have a history of trauma damage that in its own right has been longer than that. I agree with seeing your partner's psychotic break in the context of the rest of your life, and I would take it further than that. I think it was in the context of the rest of your trauma.

I'm sure the other things are part of what is causing how I feel now. It's just hard to think about them much because what happened in January feels so huge in my mind that it overshadows everything. It's that one moment in time that I keep getting the visual and emotional flashbacks to over and over again too.

I'm saying this not to depress you, but to suggest that the way to healing is to accept that you need healing for more than losing a piece of yourself on that night. I think DBT skills help greatly. They are not enough alone. I would recommend that you see a trauma therapist, which is completely different from seeing other types of therapist.

I don't find anything you said depressing. I will try to see a trauma therapist once I have insurance again, always assuming there are any in my area willing to take on new patients.

 

[Caterpillar]

Healing is like a spiral always going up and it has a light side and a dark side. So all of your old issues will be revisited on some level when you are on the dark side of the spiral. When you are on the light side you can experience the healing you have received. I hope this makes sense.

It does make sense. Thank you very much for your post. I found it really insightful and supportive. :)

Okay, I was thinking broadly about trauma, so yes, there are diagnostic standards for PTSD...thanks for clarifying that Hashi :)

I found your posts on this thread supportive and helpful. One way of phrasing things may make sense and be helpful to one person and not another. That's just sort of the way communication goes.