Ex Boyfriend Had Sex After Our Break Up. Can I Be Mad?

[Owiv]

This isn't directly about PTSD per se, although my ex boyfriend has it. I dumped him several months ago due to his refusal to get the help he so needed. He's been trying to get back together with me ever since and constantly tells me he how much he loves me and wants to marry me. I've been towing a bit of a hard line as I want to make sure things are right before officially committing. We both decided to work on things separately prior to seeing about giving our relationship another shot. I asked him outright whether he had hooked up with anyone else, and he also asked me several times too, as the thought of me even on a date with another man kills him. I told him I had not. He made it seem like he didn't have time to date or hook up because he's been so busy and also focused on his recovery yet today it came out that he has and not in the most compassionate way. I'm so upset and don't know what to think. He said he was elusive about that information because he wanted to avoid hurting me and felt I didn't have a right to it any longer as it's his business and not mine. I know I can't technically hold him accountable for anything after our relationship but also can't help but feel so misled at the same time and like he's been a hypocrite. Thoughts?

 

[Budep]

That is hard on you.
If you two hadn't made a commitment to get back together after you each worked through your own issues, he's not wrong in what he did, but it doesn't make it not hurt. It hurts like hell I am sure. You are not wrong in feeling the way you do either.
I think if you want to work on getting back together with him, focus on the fact he did come clean and try to work past the hurt that he was with someone else. The worst part of breakups is hearing/seeing they moved on with someone else, even if it was just a one time thing, it still hurts like hell, we get to thinking all sorts of everything (they didn't love us enough, how could he/she so fast, etc etc)
In a sense, you two weren't together, and that's why it happened. It's up to you if you feel it's something you can move past.

 

[Pateze]

Yes, you can be mad, hurt, anything really. Feelings are always valid.

On a practical side, if it truly was a breakup and that meant there was no stipulations discussed about dating or having sex with other people, I don't think it's fair to hold it against him.

But yes, you have a right to be upset.

Maybe you were misled? I don't think he was being hypocritical unless he specifically told you not to have sex with someone else.

 

[Ujati]

You asked if he had hooked up. He wasn't truthful. Bottom line he lied. Anyone can call it what they want, but the bottom line is he lied. I'm not sure about you, but for me it's like this... Would I be hurt that he had sex with someone else? Yes, but I would need to get over that because we we not together. But, I have an issue with liars. It's a trigger for me, so I'm not very forgiving when it comes to lying. Logically though, I doubt people in general can deal with liars.....

You have a lot to think about here, make wise decisions.....

 

[Owiv]

@Ujati. I agree, and I think that's what's bothering me the most, especially because all I've asked for ever is honesty, and he's traditionally honest to a fault so this one really threw me. He said that he was talking about in the context of when we were together, but I beg to differ since I asked him specifically about after. Is there a possibility that in the case, I didn't have a "right" to know that information due to circumstances?

 

[Dugi]

Of course you CAN be mad. You can be anything you want. But he's you EX-bf. How long to you think you own someone after you break up with them? As far as lying about it...... Maybe he was afraid you wouldn't handle the truth real well. Not the most honorable way for him to handle it, but then, you were mad when you learned the truth, weren't you?

 

[Motewap]

I'd be more angry about the lying than anything.

 

[Oduco]

It's also possible this was a passive aggressive way of getting back at you for ending it.

 

[Mula]

OP, from the way you wrote your first post, it sounded like you specifically didn't even think about just hooking up because you knew it would upset him.

Are you mad because he didn't do the same? (As in, assume it would upset you so abstain, as opposed to know it would upset you and do it anyway because he wanted to)

 

[Owiv]

@Mula that is pretty accurate. But more so than the actual act is the lying. We're not in relationship, so why feel the need to lie or hide anything? It also feels somewhat deceptive to me to pursue a girl you're wanting to make your wife while screwing other ones on the side. But then again, I'm not a guy so maybe it's just my perspective...

 

[Ujuse]

Sounds to me like you have a little passive-aggressiveness going on, just in that you are throwing in fidelity with 'we are going to separate and work on our own stuff'.

I'm not saying you don't have a right to be mad. But actually, he fixed his lie by telling the truth. I'd be glad of that. And being separated, regardless of the hopes of getting back together, I'd honor the idea that it's truly time for each of you to work on yourselves, not that it's time for him to do penance for pushing you away in the first place.

So - I say, value the fact that he did ultimately tell you, and spend time reconsidering how much you are testing him right now vs allowing him and yourself time to step back.

 

[Owiv]

@Ujuse I see what you're saying and value your point, and it's definitely food for thought. What do you say to the fact that I had to essentially pry the information out of him and got it in disjointed bits and pieces. Furthermore, the story "evolved" from a "one-off instance" to "3 women over the span of a few months." Who knows what it will be tomorrow. I just feel like I gave him every opportunity to tell me the truth himself yet I still don't feel like I have the whole picture. The flip side of this equation is, am I even entitled to this information? And given the circumstances, is the lie "justified"?