Ex-lover Is (possibly) Sociopathic...?

[hina_hanta]

Hello, everybody! I apologize for the amount of time that I've been absent; I've had a lot of things going on in my life.

Anyways, something has been bothering me a tremendous amount.

So, back in mid-October, I cut all ties with an ex after he broke up with me. This had been an ongoing thing for four years, where we would break up, cut all contact, get back together, and then the cycle would start again. Usually, his parents would be the cause of the break ups, as they forbid us to date. I had been hopelessly in "love" and preoccupied with the heartbreak and longing for him....or rather, who I thought he was. Many tried convincing me that he wasn't right, but I was too blinded- as well as deafened- by the illusion to really listen or see what they were seeing.

Fast forward to the present (we are not talking). I met a guy who is very sweet, amazing, supportive, etc. We are currently "taking things slow", so I'm not as preoccupied with my ex.

One day, not too long ago, I was in my Psychology class when one of my classmates was talking about sociopaths for her presentation. Then, it hit me; it fit him like a glove. He has severe Asperger's syndrome, and I tried telling myself that the traits I was seeing- his delusional pathological lying, his constant clinginess, and more- were probably just his autism. I didn't want to believe it.

I raised my hand hesitantly and asked if pathological lying was a part of Asperger's, only to get the answer I'd been hearing but didn't want to believe- "No." With that, I continued my class, confused.

A few days later, I decided to research. I looked up everything. I came across more information that I didn't want to hear:

~How sociopaths come across someone at their weakest point, and charm them (he first approached me when I was at an all time low, and charmed me).
~ How they mimic all the actions of someone who is in love, and do it so well that you believe it is a soulmate connection (he also made me believe this).
~ How manipulating he was (he was also manipulative; like he rubbed a new relationship in my face to make me feel hurt, then lied about it- among other things, like guilt trips, etc)
~He lied about everything, and even seemed to believe his own lies....
~He seemed to know what he was doing (like every time he would "come back around", he'd apologize without even having to be told what he did wrong....he knew and just wanted to make me think he was "sorry" so I'd fall again)
~First he's my enemy, then he turns and is my best friend....
~I had a gut feeling (but was too persuaded to recognize it)
~Etc.

Lying in bed tonight, I somehow began thinking about it. It started hitting me like a ton of bricks; all that could've happened, how he played with and manipulated my mind like a piece of clay, how I trusted that he loved me, and would never hurt me.....and how he could've and did....and how he still could....how I could've been dating the next Ted Bundy....and how my trust has been destroyed even further, which I didn't even think was possible...

I have mixed feelings that I can't even comprehend....nausea, shock, relief, anxiety....I want to scream, cut, cry....actually, I don't even know....I know that I'll get through this like I have all my other traumas, but still....I feel shocked and anxious, along with other mixed feelings....I feel the need to repress this and go on....in order to get through. Though, first, it helps to get advice and a little closure before I do repress this...

Does anyone have advice on how I can cope with this? I like this guy I'm with now and I want to keep moving...but this has really got me stuck. I don't want to be held back....any advice would be SO much appreciated!

 

[J_trustno1]

I'm really sorry to hear what you are going through. I had a similar experience with a guy i met on the internet in 2007 who fooled me and played with my emotions. He was lying a lot to me for 2 year yet I never met him in real life. I came across that guy on Orkut (social networking site that was famous before facebook came). I was deeply in love with this jerk, and late i discovered he made his friends email me and he asked one of his friends text me on behalf of him and pretending to be him. I failed one semester which cost me nearly $2000 only for that semester and it was my hard earned money. When I failed he called me a failure and it had hit me hard because I love my self-pride. It took me two years to forget him because I made myself busy in my studies.

So here is how i did it:

1. Cut off ties from him, which includes deleting all the emails from him and even deleting that email id would be good
2. Delete his mobile number
3. Don't go to places that remind you of him
4. Try finding a new hobby and put all your focus on it, for me it was working hard at my papers at university to prove him wrong (which was a wrong approach because proving others wrong can end up making you upset in the end because you can never please people)
5. Don't expect anything from him and try putting all your energy into something you really want to achieve, it could be anything you may want to achieve.
6. Hang out with new people, meet new friends and DO NOT hang out with mutual friends who will remind you off him.
7. Take a good care of yourself by doing some physical exercise, get a new hair cut, pamper yourself, even get a pedicure or a manicure or buy a new dress that will give you the look you want. Also the most important thing is to keep up with your exercise and Healthy eating habits.
8. It will take time and effort to forget and move on but it isn't impossible. Don't beat yourself for it and let yourself feel what you feel. Remember, it took me 2 years to forget someone whom I had known for a year and half. So it may or may not take you this long but you gotta focus on yourself from now on.
9. DO NOT try self harm!!! Do not go onto drugs, alcohol or smoking in order to forget this person because it is not worth it. I took a different approach to move on in my life which was by taking positive approaches i.e. exercising, studying and eating healthy. Now I have the right Figure, good health and a masters degree in Engineer. I'm not trying to rub it on you but all I am trying to tell you is that never destroy yourself based on some loser!! you are worth more than that person and it is a good thing that they are not in your life because now you can focus on yourself. Lastly, having a new guy to forget the last one isn't a good idea because you are depressed and vulnerable again, thus it can result in a bad relationship again because you will struggle to see the difference in good or bad at this very fragile moment in your life. And this is just my opinion and you don't have to follow it if you don't agree.


I wish you all the very best and take care of yourself. A heart break is horrible thing I know :(. But time heals everything. Lastly, work on your self-esteem so that the new guy doesn't take an advantage of you again! You are currently upset right now and you don't want to be in a wrong relationship due to the past failed relationship. All the best!

 

[Shadowofdoubt]

Your ex may also have narcissistic personality disorder. It is very difficult dealing with the pain and confusion that comes from being hurt and taken advantage of, and then to deal with our own anger and self blame and real heartache on top of it all. Hang in there, you've been doing so well...keep your eyes on the future.

 

[jmni]

Antisocial people are just people. The term SOCIOPATH has come to have a second meaning that implies a comic book super villian crossed with Ted Bundy. What I find almost comical is that people eat this up. So in other words, calling yourself a "sociopath" means you're entitled to act like an a$$ and a psycho and really it's just harassment. If an adult is so desperate for attention that they need to act psycho, they can go jump off a bridge.

Besides which, you can't psychoanalyze someone with a bullet point list. You're not a psychiatrist. Furthermore even if he is antisocial, people with antisocial personality disorders are just people too. If this girls presentation actually stated that having a personality disorder causes people to go out and kill people, it was just a crap presentation. What causes people to do stuff like that is that they're depraved and malicious and selfish and don't care about anyone but themselves. There is no medical condition that justifies or explains those kinds of crimes.

Why would someone else maybe having a medical condition cause you to cut yourself? If he has a disorder he needs to be treated and thats really no one's business but his own. And if he was going to be the next Ted Bundy you should be really ecstatic and relieved that you're not with him anymore.

In my opinion if you are psychoanalyzing your ex it just means you're not over him. You just seem immature and I can tell that you are guilty of playing games and if you weren't you wouldn't of been with him. What you had was relationship based on drama and what I call "sociopathic games", hooks, abuse, backstabbing, and screwing with each other. Now its over and absent from your life and I think that you miss it, because it was a part of your life and now its gone. Games do not make a relationship and as you said, you deceived yourself into believing that it did and it hurts to realize that you have been tricked and manipulated. But if you don't have any actual damages from it apart from resentment, you should take the high road. So in you I see that on the one hand, you actually don't want to play games because you have some awareness of the consequences but I think that you still are. And I don't mean to be a jerk. I wish someone had said this to me years ago. It takes two to play games and someone has to stop. So either its him or you. If you want to stop that from happening again you have to examine yourself. And I do not think it is fair on your part to date someone else if you are not over your ex.

 

[hina_hanta]

Thank you all for your advice! I appreciate the input. There is just some things that I should probably clear up.

Why would someone else maybe having a medical condition cause you to cut yourself?

I never said that I actually did it. It seems as though I was either not being clear enough or the whole story wasn't thoroughly read and/or very misunderstood. His condition isn't why I felt like cutting. The reason I felt like cutting was stated:

Lying in bed tonight, I somehow began thinking about it. It started hitting me like a ton of bricks; all that could've happened, how he played with and manipulated my mind like a piece of clay, how I trusted that he loved me, and would never hurt me.....and how he could've and did....and how he still could....how I could've been dating the next Ted Bundy....and how my trust has been destroyed even further, which I didn't even think was possible...

Secondly, let me clarify this:

If he has a disorder he needs to be treated and thats really no one's business but his own.

Okay, it IS my business only because I fell victim to it, was manipulated, etc. I dated him, and I think it's my business because I've been in the dark the whole time and I should know about this, since there was a huge possibility of being hurt even worse than I was. I think I should know whether I was dating a potential sociopath or not.

And if he was going to be the next Ted Bundy you should be really ecstatic and relieved that you're not with him anymore.

I feel very irritated with that statement. Seriously, this really shows a lack of understanding about what I wrote. I feel that this statement seems very insensitive. Who is anyone to tell me how I should or should not feel? I do feel relieved but I also have many mixed feelings. And in my opinion, I have a right to feel the way I do.

In my opinion if you are psychoanalyzing your ex it just means you're not over him.

Okay yes, I'll admit: I have had trouble getting over him, and yes, I'm almost there! The reason I am analyzing him is that I've been in the fog for so long and I've lied to myself. Now I'm trying to see the light. I'm trying to see how others have warned me, and I want to except all possibilities of it being the truth. And I'm over him, what I'm not over and still trying to grasp, is how my mind has been played with by someone I loved and thought I could trust, okay?

You just seem immature and I can tell that you are guilty of playing games and if you weren't you wouldn't of been with him. What you had was relationship based on drama and what I call "sociopathic games", hooks, abuse, backstabbing, and screwing with each other. Now its over and absent from your life and I think that you miss it, because it was a part of your life and now its gone. Games do not make a relationship and as you said, you deceived yourself into believing that it did and it hurts to realize that you have been tricked and manipulated. But if you don't have any actual damages from it apart from resentment, you should take the high road. So in you I see that on the one hand, you actually don't want to play games because you have some awareness of the consequences but I think that you still are.

Whoa, whoa, whoa- back up! Excuse me?! I'm playing games?! No, I was having my mind toyed with! And yes, we'd gotten upset with each other, but he treated me worse than I ever treated him and I have people who can back that up! And I miss who I thought he was. I do NOT miss the drama. I never believed that relationships were made of games, and I never said I deceived myself into thinking it was! And who are you to say I have no damages beside resentment? If anything I wrote was actually read and taken into account, I stated that I was upset on how my mind got played with!

And I do not think it is fair on your part to date someone else if you are not over your ex.

I don't think it's fair that words are being put into my mouth and that I'm being criticized like this! I'm over him, what I'm upset over is how deceived I feel! And I think I deserve to move on, I like this new guy! And one more thing:

Besides which, you can't psychoanalyze someone with a bullet point list. You're not a psychiatrist.

No, I'm not a psychiatrist, which I should have clarified. I'm making observations.

Anyways, now that that is settled, I would like to thank those who haven't criticized me and offered helpful advice. Thank you! I REALLY have to scoot to class now, I'll reply/continue on this thread later!

 

[jmni]

Playing games isn’t really an atrocity or the worst thing someone can do. Some people do it their entire lives and they like it. My interpretation was that from what I know of people who are antisocial, they never stop doing whatever abusive thing by whichever method that is their version of abuse; but the key thing is that it involves trapping you through some form of an emotional hook. For me my big weakness was getting trapped in that, without understanding why. I didn’t understand why I did things and found myself in that position, despite that I was the one who always got treated badly and never benefitted. In retrospect I realize that antisocial and inappropriate things have always been demonstrated to me since I was a young age. That’s all I knew and that’s all I expected. Also I found it intriguing in someway because it related to my past experience. I did project that onto you and I don’t really know you, so I apologize. In general the best thing that a person can take away from that is a decision not to engage people who are like this. There is not much else you can do because you cannot look at someone and accurately guess what secret they’re hiding.

It is dishonest but people with something to hide will conceal who they are. You have to observe the person to form an opinion of what they are like and question what they are trying to conceal, but even then you can never really know. A person can act completely psychotic and can have no idea that there is anything wrong with their behavior as though they have some kind of mental block.