Excuses vs Reasons - what’s your take?

[Warrior Chicken]

I could do things because I enjoyed doing them, not to hold myself up to my own perfection.

In a sense, perfection can become the reason we enjoy doing things. I don’t necessarily think there’s anything wrong with that, but when it become the end all to everything....yeah, storms converging. The difficult work is identifying when perfections the driving force. For me at least.

I finally understood though that it’s a matter of degrees and no explanation is needed

This is key!!! Thanks for saying, getting to where no explanation is needed is....seems....impossible.

Shaming yourself into trying to get something done might work, but I don't think it produces anyone's BEST work.

the tangled web of shame, intertwined with ptsd and not easily pulled apart. When your ptsd worst is better than some people’s best because of the things you’ve survived? It’s hard to stop. Cuz if you don’t then who will?

Such a stupidly difficult concept for me all this, but I’m trying to figure it out.

 

[Warrior Chicken]

Maybe we can help each other work out ways thru excuses vs reasons? What do you do when you have a trigger with a seemingly harmless thing/activity but one that begs an explanation to others if it comes up?

I don’t socialize often, partly for the fact it’s exhausting and I only have so much capacity. But also cuz I avoid any possibility of being triggered (even though I intentionally trigger myself sometimes, but it’s under MY control) I’m at a point where I’d like to challenge that more often and try to be more social.

Well, bocce ball is a fun game that people enjoy playing in the summer. It’s not so fun for me because my mind trips right back to a memory when I see people roll things in that manner. Brain tracks....’grenade!!!!!’ Every time someone rolls the damn ball.

It’s come up before in places where I could be social....the ask from people ‘hey, let’s play bocce’ and then I vanish lol. I don’t want to do that, I’d like to try. But some days I may not have the capacity.....so, if I have to excuse myself or not participate at all.....I can’t think of a reason or an excuse.

For sure, like @Ronin said, it’s a trust thing....can I be honest? Then it’s easier. But if telling them honestly is not gonna happen, what excuse could I possibly have? It’s just bocce, play damn it!! I’m sorry, am allergic, have an injury....I also have a thing about lying.

It’s a silly thing all this. And I do berate myself for it, but trying something different for a change.

 

[Innordinate]

How about a simple

No thanks. I don't like that game.
It's a preference. Everyones allowed their own preferences.

I noticed with this some people are persistent that you explain why you dont like something and you can just repeat that its a preference, you dont like the game. or shrug.

once you've said you dont want to cuz you dont like something if theres more issues its on them, not you.

took me awhile to get to that, especially with super insistent people but you dont have to explain your reasons.

 

[Freida]

the ask from people ‘hey, let’s play bocce’ and then I vanish lol. I don’t want to do that, I’d like to try

Maybe start with something less specific to the trauma? Instead of rolling grenades how about badminton or volleyball? Get used to playing with others first so you can feel safe playing a game in general, then focus on newer games that trigger you.

But if telling them honestly is not gonna happen, what excuse could I possibly have? It’s just bocce, play damn it!! I’m sorry, am allergic, have an injury....I also have a thing about lying.

This is what I run into with football so I've learned to say "thanks for inviting me to watch it with you but I don't care for football." No further explanations needed. Every so often I get a "well I can teach you to like it" but if I stick to the same thought "don't care for it" they will back off. And I use "care" instead of "like" because they seem to take offense if I don't like something they like. If that makes sense? Talk about stupid semantics :rolleyes:

As for excuse vs reason?
Don't use excuses.
Seriously - follow me down the rabbit hole! :laugh:
Think of excuses as emotions and reasons as facts

Say someone asks me to a superbowl party.

An excuse would be something I'm using to say no. Like, no I want to go shopping that day or I want to go to the movies or I have the sniffles or or or
Everyone of those excuses can be challenged. Then I have to defend - why do I want to go shopping on that particular day. Why can't I see a movie later, blahblah
Excuses tell them they are less important than whatever you want to do to avoid them and it ends up with hurt feelings.

A reason would be I just don't care for it.
end of story.
There isn't a whole lot of challenge there. They can say "well I can teach you!" but since it is a reason it is something I can stand behind.
You and I know why I won't go - but they don't need to know the backstory
They will accept that as a reason because it makes it about me - not them.
So no need for hurt feelings.

People can see thru an excuse and will try to dig deeper
They can't see thru a reason so there is no need to dig deeper. :hug:

plus -- it's ok to just say no
You don't have to explain
You don't have to feel guilty
It's just a no.
It won't change the course of their lives if you don't want to do something they want to do

Just sayin :) :hug:

 

[scout86]

Or, if you'd really like to be able to play bocce ball with miscellaneous people, what if you started with someone like your SO? He, I would hope, would have some small grasp of the fact that this is an actual problem you have that exists in the real world and makes sense, to part of your brain anyway. He might have a better grasp of how this stuff is actually "real" after he's spent some time helping you do exposure therapy. Working on something together could be a plus from a team building standpoint? Maybe?

A few years ago, I was telling a friend about an experience I'd had, where this woman kept sneaking up behind be and touching me, which ALWAYS made me jump, and she didn't get that was a bad thing, from my point of view. (She's actually a nice lady who was just trying to get my attention in a noisy environment....) Anyway, my friend has some anxiety issues. She said she knew, "exactly how I felt", the she reached across the table and touched my arm, which literally made me jump. And she said, "Maybe I DON'T know exactly how you feel." She didn't and I'm glad. LOL BUT, she has a better idea now.

 

[Lionheart]

From what I can gather, a reason explains the cause of something and an excuse is often offered to explain a fault.

I hope that I am not muddled in my thinking...I get Fibro fog where my mental edge is not as sharp as it would be otherwise and I get things confused. It is not my fault, therefore, to my mind, it is a reason and not an excuse.

You may want to do a search on things that you DO NOT owe to people such as explanations for certain things. I am including a link to get you started and maybe it will get you thinking and perhaps even acting, differently. At any rate, I hope it is helpful to you.

15 Things You Don't Owe Anyone At All (Though You Think You Do)

For me, the offering of a reason or an excuse comes down to my personal "bill of rights" and a lot of times I simply do not owe an explanation or an excuse. Learning these things can help us set healthier boundaries with people and help us to make wiser choices.

I sincerely hope that this is helpful to you!!!

 

[TruthSeeker]

I don't allow myself excuses. I'm super hard on myself. I've just come to the point where I don't feel I have to hold myself to previous standards. I keep thinking I need to go back to work, and I finally gave myself permission not to. I can't. Even though I'm mostly stabilized, I'm still fragile. I used to keep a journal, I want to start again so I can write out the feelings I have with not completing a task and seeing if I am using reasons.

I thought that my previous standards (moral/character/work ethic).....were higher than the one's I hold now. They were certainly higher than those parents who raised me. And I certainly tried hard enough...just didn't have support or the right stuff all the time....some jobs were less stressful or easier than others.

I don't see work as an option because then I have to be taken care of...and I don't want to be in a needy place...that's just me........unless I was too sick to work. I remember the reprieve from life I felt when I didn't work because of TBI or PTSD....the stress level immensely different. When I went back to work, I remember the independence and success I felt via determination to get back to earning my way, paying my own bills, and being respected by others in a job situation. I loved the job....but I hated it when I wasn't able to work....so, get to a better place, decide if the job you want to do is too high stress...or your dream job, and when you feel strong enough and you have a plan....for how you are going to balance things...and a fall back plan for managing stressors, and feel good about that....consider trying then.....good luck on getting back in the workforce.

 

[Freida]

@Lionheart that is great article!

 

[Lionheart]

Thank You @Freida, I thought it was a good one too. :)

 

[DharmaGirl]

get to a better place, decide if the job you want to do is too high stress...or your dream job,

I am living my dream job now. Homesteading 2 1/2 acres with my son. It will go as fast or slow as it needs to, and the animals will always be taken care of. It's just that I wanted to go back to work as a nurse when Covid hit, but it's best that I didn't.

 

[Warrior Chicken]

Everyones allowed their own preferences.

I gather from what you wrote that it took some time for you to accept/allow. Really grateful for you sharing cuz it gives me strength to keep walking forward in an attempt to find and accept preferences. Like the amazing white rhino, often elusive!

And I use "care" instead of "like" because they seem to take offense if I don't like something they like. If that makes sense? Talk about stupid semantics

Excuses tell them they are less important than whatever you want to do to avoid them and it ends up with hurt feelings.

People can see thru an excuse and will try to dig deeper

thanks for this Fre. I have a difficult time with causing others to be less important or to hurt others thru my own actions. I gather that there are many situations where the reaction is on the other. Just so Damn tricky to unwrap that crap. My own stuff is not theirs, and when I can disentangle it and notice, I’m ahead of the game. But if not.....eeesh. Rabbit hole.

if you'd really like to be able to play bocce ball with miscellaneous people, what if you started with someone like your SO?

Honestly, I don’t want to, but I also do want to avoid and hide from harmless stuff the rest of my life.
Your suggestion to start safe with my SO is grand, I just haven’t worked up the beans for it yet.....argh.

a reason explains the cause of something and an excuse is often offered to explain a fault.

Thank you. I have written this in my phone notes so I can look at it often and reflect.

This might take a bit to change. Will keep at it.

 

[David1959]

It was recently explained to me that excuses are tangled with guilt, shame, judgement. Reasons are what we provide to others, if they are interpreted as excuses —-> that’s a judgement from the other person. If we call them excuses——>we’re judging ourselves.

Interesting way to put this. I am currently struggling with this now. My T is trying to teach me to forgive myself but I can't and part of the reason is tied to the fact that inside I then am giving all my damaging actions and thoughts an excuse to make myself not responsible, I can't do that. I was repeatedly assaulted by a pedophile from10-12 and never told anyone, that fall is on no one but me.