Exhaustion from CPTSD and how it scares me

[Susan Jane]

Excellent description!

It took me years to admit it, say it and have any form of compassion for myself. I used to describe it as an deer on a road looking into the headlights of an oncoming car unable to move out of pure fear. I felt this way a lot in my life. I used to tell friends I was tired, go lay in bed and listen to them having fun, in this state. I can see myself there now, a helpless terrified child, a deer with its eyes locked in headlights. I never told a soul about it. I thought I was crazy. I drugged through life, using alcohol to calm myself at gatherings, walking in a trance, scared. I try and empathize with this person now. What could have happened to make me this way. Finding some compassion for myself has made me better equipped when the storm comes, but when the eye of the storm hits, I go back to a state of fear that makes functioning impossible and I anxiously look for comfort. I do not medicate myself unless it is so bad that I cannot leave my bed. I have learned that in this state I can reach out for help. I was not able to do that 3 years ago. I still feel shame. Thanks for your support Rose White

 

[Rose White]

@Susan Jane I also used alcohol (and weed) to numb feelings I couldn’t name or refused to feel. “Walking in a trance” yes. Responding to someone talking to me was like pulling myself out of a fog— difficult and embarrassing. Similarly began reaching out a few years ago. Transformational—but it took so long and hard work to get there! Cheers to celebrating milestones!

 

[Susan Jane]

I made a step forward by reaching out, and yet I still feel the panic. I seem to lose sense of time or days and just sit in a void of getting through. I keep wanting to apologize to my son for being this way, he is just starting his life and I cannot lay this on him. I am isolating myself again. I cannot face him and I feel ashamed of it. I want to see him and be there but I can't show him this part of me. It is not fair to make him worry. Being ill with this and harming my son with my troubles is my biggest regret. Wouldn't it make sense that I could find the strength to be over this? I am so strong and yet I feel so weak right now. What to do...that is the question Thanks for listening Susan

 

[FMCA]

I am
Probably wrong but Do you think the panic is sometimes like a sense of urgency to get things back to normal too? Or fix it all quickly. The advice I got on here was to sit with the feeling and just be gentle with yourself, it’s all baby steps and to just let myself be x

Trust that it will all work out in the end. Trust you are on the right path. You reached out and that’s wonderful x

 

[Susan Jane]

I am
Probably wrong but Do you think the panic is sometimes like a sense of urgency to get things back to normal too? Or fix it all quickly. The advice I got on here was to sit with the feeling and just be gentle with yourself, it’s all baby steps and to just let myself be x

Trust that it will all work out in the end. Trust you are on the right path. You reached out and that’s wonderful x

Maybe My panic had more to do with losing my job, not being able to pay bills or be there for my child. It is a vicious circle because the fears are irrational. I have friends who would help. I think I fear I will never get better and I will have no way out. The pain I feel is so unbearable I feel the only way out is to fake my death as an accident so my son won’t be hurt. I don’t want to die I want to feel better. The minutes turn into hours days months and I don’t feel better. I am happy to report that I had a promising treatment that pulled me out of hell. I am now at a medical rehabilitation clinic. I have very bad tinnitus and some hearing loss that adds more stress to my brain. I am learning here that tinnitus and hearing loss are directly related to anxiety and depression. Which one came first is not important but managing the effects are. I am doing sport, speaking to others and eating pretty well. I will be here another 4 weeks… keep everyone posted. . By the way my government retirement insurance is paying… they want me back at work to keep the capitalist cog running. Being reduced to a tax payer who supplies others with retirement… the system here.., has its perks if they can rehabilitate you to keep paying

 

[FMCA]

I’m glad you’re there getting the help you need. The sport and eating well are really good things to be doing. Any improvements in physical health or habits is definitely a positive thing that has lasting effects

 

[Susan Jane]

I’m glad you’re there getting the help you need. The sport and eating well are really good things to be doing. Any improvements in physical health or habits is definitely a positive thing that has lasting effects

Thanks