Exhaustion from CPTSD and how it scares me

[Susan Jane]

Excellent description!

It took me years to admit it, say it and have any form of compassion for myself. I used to describe it as an deer on a road looking into the headlights of an oncoming car unable to move out of pure fear. I felt this way a lot in my life. I used to tell friends I was tired, go lay in bed and listen to them having fun, in this state. I can see myself there now, a helpless terrified child, a deer with its eyes locked in headlights. I never told a soul about it. I thought I was crazy. I drugged through life, using alcohol to calm myself at gatherings, walking in a trance, scared. I try and empathize with this person now. What could have happened to make me this way. Finding some compassion for myself has made me better equipped when the storm comes, but when the eye of the storm hits, I go back to a state of fear that makes functioning impossible and I anxiously look for comfort. I do not medicate myself unless it is so bad that I cannot leave my bed. I have learned that in this state I can reach out for help. I was not able to do that 3 years ago. I still feel shame. Thanks for your support Rose White

 

[Rose White]

@Susan Jane I also used alcohol (and weed) to numb feelings I couldn’t name or refused to feel. “Walking in a trance” yes. Responding to someone talking to me was like pulling myself out of a fog— difficult and embarrassing. Similarly began reaching out a few years ago. Transformational—but it took so long and hard work to get there! Cheers to celebrating milestones!

 

[Susan Jane]

I made a step forward by reaching out, and yet I still feel the panic. I seem to lose sense of time or days and just sit in a void of getting through. I keep wanting to apologize to my son for being this way, he is just starting his life and I cannot lay this on him. I am isolating myself again. I cannot face him and I feel ashamed of it. I want to see him and be there but I can't show him this part of me. It is not fair to make him worry. Being ill with this and harming my son with my troubles is my biggest regret. Wouldn't it make sense that I could find the strength to be over this? I am so strong and yet I feel so weak right now. What to do...that is the question Thanks for listening Susan