Exhaustion from CPTSD and how it scares me

[Susan Jane]

One step forward two steps back. I had a long week of appointments, telephone calls and functioning. I feel better once I get out of bed. Getting out of bed is another thing. I panic when I wake up so exhausted.

I went for a walk yesterday with a friend and my body felt like lead. I was eating but have stopped again as I buy food but cannot seem to cook it. I isolate myself. I try to take a day off thinking but it is almost impossible without watching TV.

Everything triggers my anxiety, every memory, going to the park, listening to music. I feel trapped in a constant state of fear. As the day wears on I start to feel like I am okay, but just exhausted. I balance back and forth between accepting I have this "illness" and feeling like it cannot be true and I am just crazy, and unbalanced.

Looking for support again, to hear that my symptoms are not all of me and there is a way out of this low ....Why can't I believe it? I am better than 3 weeks ago, but every set back feels like this will never end and I will be forever in the cycle. Thanks fro listening Susan

 

[arfie]

empathy, susan. i like to call that one step forward, two steps back thing, "the recovery waltz." it be a dizzy dance. i seem to hold a steadier course when i think of my condition as something i have, not what i am. i don't think of my neighbor as, "just plain diabetes." why should i think of myself as the sum of my illness? that said, i'll probably self-flagellate for the rest of the day over how flawed i am. works in progress.

I was eating but have stopped again as I buy food but cannot seem to cook it. I isolate myself.

more empathy. eating is such a messy habit, both coming and going. expensive, too. still. . . over my decades of recovery i am finally admitting that starving myself, all by it's lonesome, will produce psychosis. not so much the isolating, but a psychosis can take on extra power without the reality checks and grounding i gain from social contact. my plants and animals help, but homo sapiens are a gregarious species, after all. people need people as surely as chickens need chickens. we're hard-wired for it. i'd rather be a lone grizzly bear, but here i am.

 

[Susan Jane]

empathy, susan. i like to call that one step forward, two steps back thing, "the recovery waltz." it be a dizzy dance. i seem to hold a steadier course when i think of my condition as something i have, not what i am. i don't think of my neighbor as, "just plain diabetes." why should i think of myself as the sum of my illness? that said, i'll probably self-flagellate for the rest of the day over how flawed i am. works in progress.

more empathy. eating is such a messy habit, both coming and going. expensive, too. still. . . over my decades of recovery i am finally admitting that starving myself, all by it's lonesome, will produce psychosis. not so much the isolating, but a psychosis can take on extra power without the reality checks and grounding i gain from social contact. my plants and animals help, but homo sapiens are a gregarious species, after all. people need people as surely as chickens need chickens. we're hard-wired for it. i'd rather be a lone grizzly bear, but here i am.

Thanks Arfie for reaching out. I was doing pretty well for a couple of days. I get very panicky and have trouble being outside, but I am not in bed which is good. I let my son come over and tried to cook… we handled it . I feel like a kid who needs security . One step at a time. I hope you are okay as well, thank you for answering it means so much . Susan

 

[Suzie B]

One step forward two steps back. I had a long week of appointments, telephone calls and functioning. I feel better once I get out of bed. Getting out of bed is another thing. I panic when I wake up so exhausted. I went for a walk yesterday with a friend and my body felt like lead. I was eating but have stopped again as I buy food but cannot seem to cook it. I isolate myself. I try to take a day off thinking but it is almost impossible without watching TV. Everything triggers my anxiety, every memory, going to the park, listening to music. I feel trapped in a constant state of fear. As the day wears on I start to feel like I am okay, but just exhausted. I balance back and forth between accepting I have this "illness" and feeling like it cannot be true and I am just crazy, and unbalanced. Looking for support again, to hear that my symptoms are not all of me and there is a way out of this low ....Why can't I believe it? I am better than 3 weeks ago, but every set back feels like this will never end and I will be forever in the cycle. Thanks fro listening Susan

I feel exactly the same as you have described here so well. Thank you for us not being alone in this. Its not who we are at all but it seems to take over everything. thannk you for sharing and i also can't beleive it it's so surreal at times my mind can't grasp it at all. It has to be one day at a time i guess. Much peace and strength to us all in this battle x

 

[Rose White]

Feeling you. Thanks for sharing. Is a f*cking minefield navigating this stupid disorder.

 

[Susan Jane]

I feel exactly the same as you have described here so well. Thank you for us not being alone in this. Its not who we are at all but it seems to take over everything. thannk you for sharing and i also can't beleive it it's so surreal at times my mind can't grasp it at all. It has to be one day at a time i guess. Much peace and strength to us all in this battle x

Yes, peace to everyone. I start to understand it and then the same my mind cannot grasp the hold. I am such a strong person, and when it hits me like this, I feel like a helpless terrified child. I must have been so terrified by what was going on, and all I feel is being terrified and that since Early childhood. It effin sucks, I have so many good things about me, kindness, compassion and I am pretty funny. When it bowls me down I feel like I am drowning. X

 

[Susan Jane]

Feeling you. Thanks for sharing. Is a f*cking minefield navigating this stupid disorder.

Yes Rose White it really is and it leaves very little room for peace. Thanks for the support

 

[Rose White]

when it hits me like this, I feel like a helpless terrified child.

Excellent description!

 

[Lost in the Woods]

I am the same way with eating. I just forget to do it or I am too lazy to cook for just myself. I wrote a to do list this morning and the last thing on it is to cook a good dinner for myself. I went grocery shopping last night so the fridge is full of healthy stuff. Now I just have to prepare it. CPTSD sucks. I was just a kid when all that stuff happened to me. Here I am almost a lifetime later and I still struggle. I am getting better but it isn’t easy. My heart goes out to you.

 

[Roland]

I feel you. I don't know what day it is, everyday is just a blur and then it's been months and years like a blink.

 

[Susan Jane]

I am the same way with eating. I just forget to do it or I am too lazy to cook for just myself. I wrote a to do list this morning and the last thing on it is to cook a good dinner for myself. I went grocery shopping last night so the fridge is full of healthy stuff. Now I just have to prepare it. CPTSD sucks. I was just a kid when all that stuff happened to me. Here I am almost a lifetime later and I still struggle. I am getting better but it isn’t easy. My heart goes out to you.

I do not know if we are lazy, I think we didn‘t learn that we are important. I raised a child and worked … in a frozen state of panic. My will would not allow me to not take care of my son. I couldn‘t let him suffer in anyway. This kept me going for 25 years. I cooked, cleaned and worked out of fear of him being harmed. It was a very very hard time. He is 24 now and I am opening up to him about my illness. I have had short periods of peace and I miss them. The point is I would never let him go hungry. I never fed him crap. I made his food from scratch. I did not enjoy it, but I did it. This means I can do it for me, but I don‘t. I think it is my inability to love myself, and that comes from childhood neglect. The abandonment I experienced as a young child was horrific for me, I felt unsafe in the world. I tell myself I am safe and my son is safe when I wake up in panic over and over. I ask my scared self to to be kind to my now self. This does help me make the next move to get our of bed and face another day. I think knowing this helps me a bit. My heart goes out to you as well Lost in the Woods, and may we both find more peace step by step. . Susan

 

[Susan Jane]

I feel you. I don't know what day it is, everyday is just a blur and then it's been months and years like a blink.

Thank you Roland, I understand this as well. When I am in the absolute thick of it, unable to function, I also have this no idea what is going on and months go by, and I have little memory of how I managed. This has been my experience most of my life. It makes me so very tired and sad. I want to find some peace now. It is a hard road. A road better manageable from support like yours