When my man and I started transitioning from friends to "more than friends" - this was the first time he really started dealing consciously with his "parts" cuz he felt I had to know the "real" him, and all he knew at the time was that there was more than one of him in his head. He's been in various counseling/therapy over the years, but he always hid these voices, cuz he was afraid of the diagnosis.
But I already KNEW him .. for YEARS .. before this. And I experience him as a "whole" person. But we now know a whole lot better who is whom and why, and how they operate, what comforts them, etc. The biggest take-away for ME has been that discovering HIS internal system and how he operates has really helped me understand MYSELF better, and I have had my own .. shall we say "issues" .. over the years. We have seriously been an instrument of healing for each other!
We don't have a formal Therapist, and most of what we know now is because of having to deep-dive with each other .. and while I always championed his being "happy, healthy and whole" .. boy, we didn't really know what we were dealing with at first. He isn't diagnosed as DID, but he definitely would have been. (best we have right now is that he is complex-PTSD dissociative with a total of 4 known "parts", two of which may have "integrated" into one, cuz they now operate as one)
But he's not IN "dis-order" anymore. He IS happy, healthy and whole, in every way that counts. And I read an article not long ago that talked about how a person may still be considered a "multiple" as in bearing certain neurological and internal-communication scars from past trauma such that they have "multiple" parts that still operate as "individuals" inside him, but that does not mean they are any longer intrinsically UNhealthy.
For us, we believe there has been some measure of "integration" (his two "littles" or "child" parts are now basically one) AND he is mainly co-conscious (open conversation, well-managed internally by "middle" - between his "grumpy" rational super smart side and the emotionally vulnerable sometimes silly and playful "littles"). MOST of the time, my man is "himself" (Middle/Main) with "flavors" of the others that weave in and out. It is very rare for him to "hard click" (his term for "switching" or a dissociative episode where one of the others completely takes over as "host"). He has to be under serious stress or exposed to a lot of triggers .. and even then, because I know what is going on most of the time, if I am WITH him when he's triggered, he can usually still maintain "control" without "clicking out". I suppose I "ground" him in this respect. :) Grumpy is the only one who will still occasionally overtly "black out" the others if he perceives a threat, but I know when he's "out" and in control .. and HE was equally the "best friend" I had in my man even from the day we first met, so we know how to communicate well, and he trusts me. Usually. (LOL, oy vey)
As for me, I know I test as MORE "dissociative" than is considered "normal" ("normal" being the everyday "human" experience of sometimes day dreaming or zoning out while driving a familiar route, etc.), and we think it would be HIGHLY beneficial for me to examine my own "parts" more explicitly. I do NOT "hear voices" like he does cuz my parts are more interwoven or "subtle" as someone said above. But I think EVERYONE experiences SOME measure of "not being myself" in certain moments. There are times when I blow a gasket at some dumb thing happening at work, or have a "hairline trigger" on some emotional things that creep into our relationship if I'm feeling particularly insecure, etc. But for us, we legitimately "normalize" each other. I suppose he "grounds" me in this respect. ;)
The main things are:
- Learn to LISTEN to yourself(ves) and see if you detect patterns of behavior consistent with certain kinds of situations
- Be willing to ASK yourself(ves) the HARD questions - At work, we refer to a "root cause analysis" such as in trouble-shooting a quality concern from a customer - 5-why process. This happened (fact), WHY? Cuz THIS happened (fact), WHY? Cuz THIS happened (fact), etc. Zero in on the FACTUAL pieces, trying to leave the emotional interpretation off to the side, and then LISTEN for the "aha" moments as you work backwards.
- WRITE DOWN things you ask and answer - For my man, a HUGE healing tool was when he realized some of his parts were talking to me directly w/o his knowledge, and they would "remember" things from his past - usually traumatic memories, but this helped him (with my help taking notes, etc.) to get a hold of his chronological, COHESIVE NARRATIVE, and sometimes just the mere TIMELINE helped him troubleshoot the "why's" .. see cause and effect, or at least significant influencers with respect to his development/neurological formation, etc. Frankly, with some of the abuse he suffered, there may be very REAL "traumatic brain injury" associated with some of his childhood past :( , and we know he was already dissociating from a VERY early age (may have started when his in-utero twin was stillborn) to cope with the horrors he was living with .. And to this point? ONE such "memory" from "Little" (the youngest in his system, now integrated) actually helped my man realize a series of GOOD things that had happened with his mom when he was younger, that we believe may have SAVED him from other worse fates .. and "Little" was SOOO sad that the rest of very adult my man hadn't forgiven his mom, so when this came to the surface, my guy really began exploring grace/forgiveness, and his mom is still alive, so he was able to even bring about some restoration with her .. VERY hard, VERY rocky at first, and SHE didn't remember some of the things, so he would deal with disappointment, etc. But the more they reconnect, the more the memories she DOES have bring further validation to HIS memories .. it's been HUGELY relieving for him, cuz he'd estranged himself from his FOO (family of origin) for DECADES before this past year or so.....
- And find things that GROUND you - "bring you back to center" - one thing for my guy was "snagging" .. he'd pluck at a shoe string with his finger tips, and it was kinda a self-soothing technique he accidentally stumbled across, but it's a physical sensation that keeps him "here and now" when he's very stressed. And though he did this for YEARS w/o knowing WHY it helped, now he finds he usually doesn't need to do this anymore. Crunching a pack of Doritos, instead, might do the trick. ;) Or going outside for a shock of cold and coming right back into a hot (wood-burning-stove-warmed) house. These kinds of things.
Most of all? Be
patient with yourself, and don't have unrealistic expectations of what "healing" is supposed to look like (as if it's the same for everyone? Naaaah...) .. The way I see it, my guy IS "healed" .. Just cuz you have a scar from an incision doesn't mean the surgery site is infected or going to kill you - you can look at it, say Oh yes, that's where I had my [fill in the blank] removed. It WAS bad/infected, whatever, but now it's HEALED. And the scar is just a reminder.
And every counselor/professional/therapist/family member, and forum commenter like me ;) is going to have a different opinion about what "healed" looks like. MANY kinda "demand" Integration as evidence. Meh - I think that's overrated, but that's just my take. My man MAY always have "parts" .. OUR focus is on GOOD communication, his internally, MINE internally, and OURS together. And our focus is on COMPLIMENTING the strengths of each part, addressing the traumatic memories they may be holding (and grieving together, and comforting where needed, etc.), and giving them legitimate "real time" experiences in the "real" world so they can also further mature/grow/rightly interpret the world around them. And thus see themselves more fully and who they are as PART of the man.
Some "DID" is way more severe than my man's situation - we realize - and maybe we're oversimplifying, so please don't take my word as gospel on any of this. We can only go by what works for US. And as long as we LOVE each other UNCONDITIONALLY, and figure out what parts, um, play well together ;) WE can gleefully take hands and run forward together to take on the world. ;) LOL
I hope some of this rambling helps!!
~WU
