Experiences With Sociopaths

[ms spock]

Try to hold your head up and tell everyone you trust, and the kids' teachers that you made him move out, and the school is to let you know if he comes to pick them up. Inform all potential allies right away.

I would suggest photographs of you and your children for the school.

He has been physically violent towards you - chances are he will become so to the children when he realises that he can't get at you directly.

Some type of awareness for the school could be important for you and your children.

 

[Queen Boudica]

Thanks for all you advice.

I know this is going to sound a bit cliche. BUT. He has been physically violent, but it is only occasionally (I know not acceptable at any time) It is more his control and emotional abuse. Whilst I know he can become violent and out of control, don't want you all to think that I am in real immediate danger. As I said, his image, very important, don't think he wants to tar that at them moment. Really think he is on the lower scale of sociopath? Might be naive, but.

I'm playing it by ear. He is going to move out, this weekend (if all the paperwork goes through, fingers crossed) then I will see what happens. I will take all measures necessary and follow all your advice if it escalates, but not in any immediate danger, so just don't want you all getting the wrong idea. But I know he will be trying to control still when he moves out and I do think he just thinks I will cave in eventually. What he does after that I don't know. Just have to play it by ear. I am clearly not very good at judging people.

I just don't want to escalate anything at the moment. He has found the studio flat and is moving out. That is all I can cope with till he is out. Trying not to engage. Trying to survive this week. Would really like to kick him out of my bed, but just don't want to escalate or have any confrontations with him. He is not going to get out of that bed. I know it. And I tried sleeping on the sofa, but my back and neck, not good, and I need to keep those good, last thing I want is those caving in.

I stopped going to the marriage counsellor with him after that incident and after that told him I want to separate. She still sees him as his therapist, but that is good, he wants to look good to her so he will not do anything risky, (unless I really really provoke him? which I'm not going to do)

Hope that all makes sense. It is all so much to deal with and coming to terms with this complex trauma. So many triggers over the last few weeks, kids playing up, son with psoriasis and my psychologist is away on holiday and not seeing him till a week Friday. Just so many ups and downs and this to deal with. So really good to have you all offering me advice.

I will get there, just treading very carefully. Just winging it. But don't want anyone to think it is that bad. Hope that makes sense. Sorry probably doesn't.

 

[Queen Boudica]

Thanks Thnowflea
There are some very useful insights there. The adrenaline thing is very interesting. Him feeling powerful. Getting attention.

That must have been really hard work, can well understand the bit about how the lying messed you up. I just can't do that with him. I just don't know how I would do it. Even being polite is a chore now. That is why my approach is to try and avoid interacting with him. But with kids, virtually impossible.

Anyway, congratulations, you got him out of your life. That was a really masterful. Wish I could do that, just not stable enough to do that.

 

[Queen Boudica]

Thanks Bloom,

Just read your post again. So much good advice as usual.

Also have to say, what an amazing woman you are helping your friend escape her marriage from that awful cop

I helped the ex-wife of a local cop escape him, even when his department and some of his buddies in two others were using their authority, cars, dog to bully her. Some friends and I got evidence and threatened to go public with it...and I did make public the bullying thanks to facebook...and got the Mayor's office and aldermen involved. That got all three departments (including the chief and sheriff) to back the F' off. Nothing like facts backed up with photo, video, screenshot evidence to put @$$hole on the defensive.

See you have been doing so much good and helping so many people. I read it in your posts and diary all the time. You are a very special person Bloom. Despite all you have been through you have come out an amazing person. And I am glad you are hear to offer me and others on the forum so much advice.

 

[BloomInWinter]

((((Lizio))))

No worries on this end....please don't take any 'shoulds' from my triggered ramblings. I trust that you know your situation well and will do what is best for you and the kids.

You have identified a potential weapon to use against him....his fear of being found out. Keep your phone with you at all times. Give yourself permission to call the police at the slightest fear.

It's not surprising your back and neck are bothering you. Those are two areas are subject to the muscle spasms of hypervigilance....and if sleeping with the enemy doesn't cause some of that, I'd be surprised.

I really hope he follows through with getting out this weekend. Do you have a plan just in case?

 

[Queen Boudica]

please don't take any 'shoulds' from my triggered ramblings.

If they are triggered you would never know it and they are still very sound advice.

I really hope he follows through with getting out this weekend. Do you have a plan just in case?

Oh I hope so, I really hope so! It should happen, don't think he wants to lose that studio, it is too cheap :eek:

No, plan just in case (tear my hair out and scream?? :cry:) No it'll be alright. He will go.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Ugh. She has several beautiful kids, too. I was so terrified for them. That's a trauma that I have yet to confront.

....that situation was my breaking down, finally, that winter/spring.

I have an issue with my codependency - always trying to 'rescue' people - and so I hope people here will always ignore my ramblings if they aren't helpful. I do feel like I'd love to swoop in and save you from him.

:)

 

[BloomInWinter]

I do hope you make a contact with the domestic violence people. The contact alone can be helpful to you in the divorce....proof that you feel unsafe. You'll need documentation, since thus far his 'image' is intact.

....and they do have so much useful info. They've helped so many women....you never know what info they give you right now that might prove helpful along the way. They know the laws, too...and can help you get him out of there tonight if it becomes too much for you.

...and I'll shut up now. :)

 

[Queen Boudica]

....that situation was my breaking down, finally, that winter/spring.

Sorry you had to go through that. But you acheived so much. I like to think I'd be able to offer help to people, but I never feel I have what it takes. You do. But that was an awful lot to take on. Any person without PTSD would have problems with that.

I do feel like I'd love to swoop in and save you from him.

:laugh: I've got this image of you, swinging in on a rope like tarzan into my bedroom and kicking him out of my bed as you do. He is lying there on the floor looking totally shocked and is so terrified that he gets up and runs off out of the house and away forever.

Is that mean? God, I did love him once and he is the father of my children. (Still trying to think it he is not that bad :mad:, sorry, sorry, can't help it)

 

[Queen Boudica]

((((((((((((Bloom))))))))))))). Sorry I triggered you like that. I don't want you to worry at all about this. It will be fine. It is just a matter of me keeping my calm and cool and getting him out of my life. It is not like your cop's wife. So please, don't get upset about any of this. I'm managing and I am determined, I have always been able to pull myself up eventually. So please don't worry. It WILL be fine.

 

[doglover]

Emotional abuse and control almost seems harder to heal from, to me. At least I have thought many times that physical marks would be easier - because it would be easier for me to confirm that someone did something wrong to me.

A cold look while they say the cruelest thing wrapped in ideas that make it hard to prove it was cruel, twisting my words, taking away my right to have my own truth - that throws my self-esteem and identity backwards into a blender with cacti but it's so easy to just tell myself a million things that don't acknowledge it as abuse. Gets me so twisted.

I relate to the trouble with seeing the person's actions in a way that affirms just how bad they were. I've been doing better with paying attention to how I feel around them most of the time. On edge? Guilty? Confused? Then being around them is bad for me.

But I understand when you say you don't feel you are in immanent danger. If he hasn't become violent physically. I trust you to call authorities if that changes.

If I may offer another tip, Lizio - try to minimize all contact as much as you can and stick to logistical topics like who has kids when, when meetings with lawyers are supposed to be, etc. No more talk about thoughts, feelings, opinions. No unnecessary questions. This kind of person can turn your world backwards, so sticking to CONCRETE topics that aren't up for any kind of debate will help you keep a foot on the ground.

 

[BloomInWinter]

((((Lizio))))

Don't worry about me, truly. The world is a trigger to me and facing these things helps me process.

I have no regrets about any of it.