Experiences With Sociopaths

[Queen Boudica]

This kind of person can turn your world backwards, so sticking to CONCRETE topics that aren't up for any kind of debate will help you keep a foot on the ground.

You'd think that would be easy wouldn't you? But concrete topics like who has the kids when, don't seem to exist. He has decided that he is going to rent a studio apartment, which makes the logistics of him having the kids virtually impossible. (But he will take them, don't care how cramped they are in there, but obviously that cannot happen very often as it will just be too cramped and the kids won't be able to keep any of their stuff there.

Makes it so that he can take them out and about and have the fun side of things, (which he wants to do every weekend) and then have to drop them back off to my house to do all the maintenence side of things. So there is no debate alright. He has already manipulated the situation to what he wants. And he is a good bloke because he is saving money, not dipping into the savings??????? And he has rented a place close by which is more important than actually having the kids stay for any length of time and living a bit further away?????????

Can't see how he will ever stop turning my world backwards at the moment. I really need a degree in how to deal with this.

Sorry just ranting.

 

[ms spock]

I am clearly not very good at judging people.

I would disagree.I believe your comment is not logical. \\//

This very existence of this thread demonstrates that this is not so. You are seeking solace, comfort and advice from a group of clearly groovy people. *takes heroic stance* You obviously sought out advice from people who are on your wavelength and I believe you have judged well here with the people you are taking advice from and also lying on the line what it is you can and cannot do.

You went and got a T to assist you in dealing with identifying and then learning to deal with a type of personality that flaws many, many people without the challenges of ptsd.

You have set in place various support and back up mechanisms. You are negotiating and working with people. So you are good here too..

You have sought advice and very clearly know what it is that you can manage and can do at this time. This is being good with yourself and with people.

You are getting him to move out. That is pretty cool and groovy. This is a wise move. This is good. This is more than many people stuck in this type of situation can ever do.

You are reaching out to make friends on the forums. So you have astoundingly good taste. ;-D

You have some people from your church ready to assist you. If people want to be there for you they can see the how you are good with people even if you are floating on denial. (I know the crappiest pun in the history of punning.)

You have mentioned some friends that can come around. If they want be your friend and be there for you then they can see the good with people that you are and do.

It seems to me that you are doing really well with people.

Perhaps a mistake that you might possibly be making is internalising
the failure of the relationship or the getting in to the situation of being
in a relationship with a psychopath. Heaps of people set to the normal
cycle of a washing do this too. And it hits them harder because they don't really have
a place like this to go to and thresh things out.

You have considered, commented on and synthesised what you want out of the advice,
care and concern and come up with your own strategising whilst being tactful
and diplomatic about what is and is not right for you. These are excellent people skills
in my mind.

It seems to me, that you, like all people are learning the hard way what a sociopath and a psychopath is are having a crappy time, which unfortunately, will continue for some time.

It is not really practical but I would suggest putting him in a rocket and firing him in to the sun is the way to go. :-D

Most people, who don't know much about these two personality types, get sucked in by them and some people who know about those personality types get sucked in as well - they can be hard to pick at times. Even the odd psychiatrist or two.

You are questioning, getting yourself support, you have a T, you are thinking about how you, right now, can deal with this situation. You are communicating your situation, needs, wants, abilities, fears, ideas, strategies and plan effectively and people are responding to you - so that is being good with people.

*notes crack in glass wall before she types* You can never get it right with a psychopath or sociopath - it just doesn't happen. Having that feeling if only I had been better or tried harder or did X then it would have worked out is old childhood stuff. That was a way of coping then with that.

Now you are succeeding with yourself and people by identifying and then setting a plan in place to get rid of you psychopath. All the above interactions with people (a most persuasive argument, made by me, who aspires to rationailty and logic) demonstrate in real life, in real time and online that you are good with people.

/thus endth the commentary

If this isn't right for you then please feel the care it is given with and ignore the content.

Can't see how he will ever stop turning my world backwards at the moment. I really need a degree in how to deal with this.

And you are certainly not alone with that one. We all need a degree to deal with these types of people.

And you are not ranting you are expressing justified anger and frustration at dealing with a pretty impossible person and awfully frustrating situation.

So express, rant, carry on, whinge, moan, yell, shout, call out to people because this is going to be pretty difficult for some time.

I really feel for you. If I knew you in the person and we lived in the same country and we actually knew each other I would cook you, nourishing, but surprisingly tasty food, wrap you in the blankies and give you all the remotes. I would hug you and brush your hair (if you were a tactile person like me.)

As the above is not so I think you are doing really well in an impossible situation. Hang in there. It doesn't feel like it but you are managing well. People like that do your head in and your mind tends to wander and occasionally you lose it - as long as you find your mind and continue onwards well you will get there. Where there is I don't know, if you find there please let me know, as I have been looking for there for the longest time. Microchip your mind so if your mind strays to far they can run a scanner over your mind and ring you to come and get it.

Laugh, cry, write it out, exercise, curse the gods, give the evil eye to the annoying people, dance, be ridiculous, and hang on and keep hanging on.

I hope your T comes back very soon. Friday week is such a long, long time when you are in these type of situation.

All the best,
ms spock

 

[Srain]

This is very triggering for me as well. The only person I've have ever been truly afraid of was a sociopath..maybe a psychopath...not sure at this point. Although my father was a true sociopath as well, I lost all fear of him in my early teens. But this man I married in my early 20s was the most frightening person I have ever run across ever. I made a commitment to myself to start doing some serious abusive therapy, I had been beaten but able to hold my own, never had it happen with the person without one single shred of anger, raising of the voice, and out of the clear blue.At the same time painting my toe nails and promising me all my childhood dreams...yikes.

At 250lbs 6'4" he doubled my wt was more than a foot taller than me and thought I looked "pretty" with a busted nose and black and blue eyes so he would pictures. He promised to take care of me so he removed the battery from my car and left me to recover on the couch while he went to work. A usual night. Then bring me flowers and diamonds to 'apologize' because sooner or later I had to show up at work ...we worked together and his boss - his sponsor - was my boss. Who conveniently forgot to tell me, along with everyone else, that this guy was a woman beater, seriously violent.

He beat me into silence.

I had never seen this coming, never thought I couldn't handle this. Me, who had thought I'd seen it all, who had lived on the streets of Seattle at 15 and the San Fransisco at 22..surely didn't think I couldn't handle one recovering husband. But this person seemed to have no rhyme or reason for the beatings and when they started they seemed to have no end except the blackness.

When I would leave, he would end up in the hospital with a heart attack - - but what did I get from everyone, "go see him, he's asking for you, he needs you, he's working so hard on his 'anger issues' " ............I go, I want to choke him-see how he likes it- but then I feel like have to do this...everyone I work for is there, people I respect at a job I love, they gave me a chance I really needed, they believed in me....I give him the chance...

I end up with him doing it all over again and worse. Pulled around the house by my hair, punching me in the face when I screamed unwillingly, grabbing knives, I've never been so afraid in my life.

I left town literally on a midnight train, I didn't come for 10years, then only for a quick visit. I lived in terror. I changed my name, I got a low key divorce and I lost EVERYTHING. When I learned he died I felt nothing...the relief came years before when I knew he was seriously ill...yes, I kept track of him...always...he had tried to find me...I have no idea why, I was nothing to him.

 

[BloomInWinter]

((((((Rain))))))

 

[Srain]

I think I should not have posted what I did, I'm sorry, I missed the point and did not acknowledge all that you had gone through Bloom, nor did I point out that this experience lead me straight to the doors of the rape clinic to address a rape that had happened when I was a teen. This lead directly to my eventually remembering my sexual abuse and admitting the emotional and physical abuses in my life.

I was flashbacking this morning and I wrote this out to get it off my mind. I missed the point.

(((((((((((((((Bloom))))))))))))))
you reached out to me when I first started posting here and gave me strength, I see where you get it, my heart goes out to you. Honestly, I've only been able to skim over and over what you posted because my heart breaks.

I hope you understand,
peace and ultimate healing,
Rain

 

[BloomInWinter]

((((((Rain))))))

Truly....I saw nothing wrong with your post. What I felt reading it was compassion for and anger at all the invalidating people who prevented you from healing.

You really are amazing, kind, and have been through so much....be gentle with yourself.

You have nothing to apologize for.

 

[maddog]

Reading this thread has become increasingly hard... I wish sorry was enough for all of the horror that so many have faced. Call them psychopaths, sociopaths or just plain mongrels, but too many of us have a story to add to this thread, and it's really quite sickening.

It hits too close to home for me too, so close that I haven't posted for days in spite of my intention. My father was an undisputed psychopath and is to this day. Of course, it's not as though it's something they grow out of.

A little over 2 years ago, I got what I thought was my dream career break. I moved back to my original employer of choice after having worked elsewhere for a couple of years, took up a role as a unit manager and felt as though my career was finally on track.

Except that my boss was a psychopath, again, plain and simple. I can't do the details today, I just can't go there. But he turned my life into a living nightmare which my mind then quadrupled into a living hell, as suddenly, all of those memories and images and events and experiences from all those years ago came pouring back into my life. I was his play thing, his emotional stress ball, his mountain to climb, his instrument of evil. Almost overnight everything changed. Nightmares, flashbacks, horrible destructive evil intrusive thoughts... I truly thought I was going crazy.

And so I, the one who never, ever called for help, went and saw our workplace psychologist because I'd never been so scared in all my life... and that's saying something. But trust got in the way, and it was many months before I could be honest with him about why i was there, and in that time the new psychopath took me on the sort of plummetting journey of self destruction and emotional anhialation that very almost cost me everything, absolutely everything. It became the most demeaning experience of my life. It still fills me with boiling shame and self-disgust and revulsion to remember and to know that the girl who said and did and felt those things is still me, and so close to the girl who can barely write about them today.

One day, I tell myself I may even thank him for having been the ultimate trigger that caused me to have to confront my past. I have to survive first though.

God, it makes me sick to remember, sick and dead inside. That's what they do to us, suck the warmth and hope out of us like some sort of human cancer, and sometimes it's happened before we even realise it.

Ug, yuk.

Maddog

 

[Queen Boudica]

((((((((Rain)))))))) (((((((Maddog)))))))))

Don't know how you both came out of that. Shows what strong women you are. Just awful.

So sorry did not mean to trigger you all like that. Feel relieved that my H is so on the lower scale of this. Still not acceptable, but I guess compared to some of the psychopaths out there, it should be a lot easier to deal with. Just amazed by your stories. Just amazed that so many have had to deal with these horrible horrible people.

Where do these psychopaths come from? Are there that many? What makes them like that? It is terrifying that these people exist in society. To get pleasure out of being cruel and sadistic, like a game. What evolutionary purpose does it serve?

Sounds silly, but think I would rather the complex trauma than to be like them. But I guess they must like being like they are. Too horrible to think about.

 

[maddog]

I think I agree Lizio, I think I would almost prefer my reality to theirs as well. Though the irony is that if I really was like that, I wouldn't care one little bit. Go figure.

MD

 

[ItsAllGood]

Thanks Lizio

It was hard. Absolutely awful for ptsd because your in a life or death situation all the time and always so hyper vigilant, you have to be. Its exhausting. I feel for you. I should mention too I did go into hiding for a while which really helped. After he moved out he would do drive by's and drop in- trying to set me up as a base camp kind of thing, so I stopped taking his calls but I also stayed at a friend's parents for months while they were away. When he didn't know where I was he eventually moved on to something more interesting. Oh, I did originally tell him I was going to the coast with some friends for a while - just so that the anger about not knowing where I was (the adrenaline) wouldn't become addictive and stimulating for him in itself. So basically I was in hiding but he thought I was with friends because I was pining and sad about the break up so it fed his ego enough but kept me safe kind of thing.

The bit that hurts the most is that it happened in the first place. I mean, he groomed me, but just the fact that I thought it was normal. I still can't believe it. Its because my Father was so abusive, I didn't know the difference. My Father had all these awful things happen to him growing up too so that's how he did it: He gave us this huge disclaimer about what happened to him which was supposed to excuse his behavior. Sneaky.

Lastly, it wasn't that I was stable, its that I was so unstable I physically couldn't do it anymore. I reached my limit and I nearly died as a result. I didn't have anything left to lose so I ran to my T and then ran away. It wasn't that I was stable at all. I just had to, that's what it came down to. I think its really great that your separating things out without running for your life at the same time. THAT'S strength.

 

[Queen Boudica]

The bit that hurts the most is that it happened in the first place. I mean, he groomed me, but just the fact that I thought it was normal. I still can't believe it..

I am struggling with that too. I seem to have justified myself that it was OK. In fact I have been worried that I have been damaging him, that he will break and end up commiting suicide. I was worried for him, not for myself.

I thought that what he did to me was not OK, but that it happens and we just have to work on it (that is what he told me). It is like I knew that he was controlling me and treating me badly, but I doubted myself and was made to feel like I was paranoid, so then I did not know. Hard to explain.

I thought it was me, that it was my fault. And I still have it in the back of my mind , even now, that it is me and I have just made a big deal over nothing and he is really a good bloke. It is still there. Have to fight those thoughts so hard.

Yes, still can't believe it. But I can see it now. I can now see it, whereas before I was so just avoiding facing it. But I can see too that I was becoming more and more unstable and his behaviour towards me was worsening. I was shutting down. If my T had not woken me up, I don't know what would have happened.

But then again, I still don't know what will happen, I keep saying it, I am winging it. That I am doing this and am so scared of how I will manage, just shows me how bad things have gotten. For me to take that step, me who has been trying to hide all her life, just shows how I now realise how much I needed to get out. Very scary.

Don't have a choice but to separate things out. Cannot run. Wish I could.

 

[maddog]

Odd isn't it. The thing that finally spurred me to speak out about my workplace psychopath was my belief that he was going to commit suicide. Never mind the factthat I'd been driven close to insanity, but there I was, stammeringly telling T thatI had real concerns for this person's safety...

I guess it's all part of their MO isn't it - strip away our awareness of our own needs and rights in favour of their own.

MD