Childhood Exploration?

[Colorado2]

I participated in sexual "exploration" when I was about 5-6 w/ a sibling who was younger. I've been very confused and bothered by this for a long time, and as a result have never been able to talk about it in therapy. Recently I've considered bringing it up but have been too nervous about what the reaction will be or if she'll think I'm crazy.
I'm most worried because I was the older sibling in the situation, however, it was my brother who initiated and I felt like I had to play along. I was often in conflict w my brother and felt like I had to keep him happy in order to stay out of trouble with my parents. I do remember saying something to my mom about what was happening when she made me play with him but was totally disregarded.

I remember him touching my genitals and putting toys partway in my vagina. I never did anything to him, which I think is another part of this that's been confusing for me. It felt diffeeent than just exploratory play. I certainly don't think my brother knew he was doing anything wrong, and I feel like I'm a lot more bothered by it than I should be. I've tried to brush it off as exploratory behavior before, but the memories are still very distressing.

 

[scout86]

I don't think there's any reason it's not safe to bring that up with your T. Not if she's any good at her job. I can see where it would be hard to talk about though.

The thing that strikes me about your story is that was kind of unusual behavior on the part of your brother. It's normal for kids to be curious and explore. His interest seems like it was kind of specific (wanting to put stuff in your vagina). There might be a perfectly innocent, reasonable explanation for that, but it seems a little unusual for a kid that young, to me. It makes me wonder what else might have been going on in your lives.

What ever, stuff like this happens. Kids do lots of stuff growing up. This doesn't sound like something where a T should flip out on hearing the story. If they do, it suggests you might need a new T more than anything else.

 

[Muted]

I participated in sexual "exploration" when I was about 5-6 w/ a sibling who was younger. I've been v...

Is it possible your brother was victimized by someone else? He may have been attempting to reenact the abuse.

 

[Colorado2]

Thanks for the replies. It is possible that my brother was victimized, but I have no way of knowing for sure

 

[Muted]

Is it possible for you to talk with your brother about any of this?

 

[Colorado2]

Is it possible for you to talk with your brother about any of this?

No, I don't think so

We've always had a really distant relationship, I have no idea how I could bring this up. I think it would be too uncomfortable

 

[Missycat]

Talk to your T about it. I imagine your T will not be shocked at all and will certainly not think your'e crazy.
To really have a strong therapeutic relationship its best that you can be open and honest altho i do appreciate it is easier said than done (im still working on that with my T!)
Children exploring their own and others bodies at a young age is quite natural but there is a line then between exploration and abuse. Doctors / experts would tell us that abuse /incest abuse is only classified when it is being done by an older sibling (older by 2-3 years) , however there are Therapists, psychologists and psychiatrists that would disagree with this .
Please talk to your therapist then you can get the support you need.

 

[ladee]

The fact this is so disturbing for you is saying it would be helpful to share with your T.

You may have to write it down and hand it to her. Doesn't matter how you share it.

I know for me, When something keeps bouncing around in my head..it is trying to find it's way out.

Hope you are able to share this, no matter how, sounds like it is pivotal to your healing work.

Sending gentle hugs for the courage you have already shown.

 

[Anarchy]

Ts do get to hear a big lot of early exploration stuff, don't know if that helps with giving you some extra confidence in bringing the subject up?

I was struck as well by how specific your brother was. I wouldn't have known where to find or what angle to insert anything into a female at that age. It does look like he's had his curiousity awakened very early, porn? Or an experience with another female?

 

[ForgotToLive]

I had a kind of similar situation and I did tell my T and doing so did bring about a long-term positive result.

I have one memory of my older sister trying to get me to go down on her. It is a very clear memory where I can picture the positions of our bodies and what room we were in and things like that. I was probably 5 or 6 and she like 12 or 13. It was a very confusing memory (not exactly bad or traumatic) because the main reason I can remember it is because my own behavior was so atypical. I recall so much anxiety trying to make myself do what she wanted as she instructed me how to do what she wanted (I was 'the good little girl' in the family, always flying under the radar, while my older sister was "the bad girl" like a lightening rod and was constantly in trouble) but then I recall after really trying to make myself do it, finally whispering (very very softly and passively) "I just can't". I was being regularly fondeled (groomed) by my younger sister's father at that age and even TRYING to express my needs and say no was something I'd never done before... So the high anxiety I felt recalling the memory was more tied to the feeling of trying to find the courage to try to say no. I recall she replied "it's okay, you don't have to" and what I recall most of all was my shock... That I could express my own (selfish?) needs and that they would be heard and honored. My step father was much more aggressive and never spoke while he was doing things and I recall linking the idea that maybe if I could say no to my sister and she stopped then maybe he would too if I could just say no. But the thing is I could barely say no to her and I couldn't even begin to say no to him. So then I began feeling shame because I knew I should at least try to tell him to stop but I was just not able to. He was regularly beating my mother bloody for no apparent reason and I was 100% terrified of him. I have a good relationship with my sister now and we never have brought it up, although we regularly discuss our childhood abuses. Instinctively I know it's just better if we pretend it's one of the forgotten memories, leaving us both victims of other people and not each other...

Nonetheless, I did bring it up to my T... He asked if I wanted to do EMDR on it because at the time I recall talking about it was extremely difficult and gave me intense feelings of shame, anxiety, and betrayal (for telling on her... to my T). So I agreed (of course!! since saying no is still nearly impossible for me) and we did several rounds of EMDR on that memory. And now I can recall the memory with very logical physical emotions, as if I was watching the scene in a movie. I no longer feel anxious and shamed like I used to back when my memory put me in as the active participant.

I say YES tell your T no matter what they think. Hearing this crap is the reason he/she went to college... To help the broken cope with the aftermath. Hiding things from your T renders him/her useless at being good at his/her job and wastes their/your time and money. If they react badly that helps you figure out that you need to find a REAL T.

 

[Colorado2]

Thank you everyone!! This has definitely helped me get a little more courage....my next appt is Wednesday and I'm hoping I'm able to actually talk about it

 

[Missycat]

@Colorado2 , write it down and then if you feel unable to say the words you can show the paper etc to your T.
Even tho i totally trust my T i have really struggled to get the words out or talk in detail about the abuse so i send her what i want to say via email , she then talks to me about it which i find slightly easier - i ask her to ask me questions as i somehow feel i am then allowed to open up. This goes back to what happened when i was abused.
Im sure it will all go okay for you at your T appointment.