Exposure And Worsening Of Symptoms With Complex Trauma

[doglover]

I'm of two minds about this. On the one hand, if I face trauma memories and learn to manage the stress it will free up some inner energy (I think). On the other hand when I face it more I get to some kind of breaking point and it spills into other areas of my life for several days. I'm not used to such a big dip in functioning, I'm used to it squeezing out in a fairly predictable pattern.

I've also heard that trying to revisit the past can make things worse in complex trauma. Like more self-destructive behavior and more problems in functioning. I've not heard whether this gets better if you push through it long enough.

I'm wondering if exposure could make things worse - or if it does but then things get better.

What are your thoughts?

 

[jeeps for now]

With me, it was both enlightening and concerning to have uncovered past traumatic memories. It primarily served to allow a growing understanding of my resulting behavioral patterns over the years. In the long run, however, I came to understand that my life's actions had largely been biased by the effects of the trauma(s) . In other words, my life's actions up to the time of these awarenesses had invariably been a non-conforming mistake that I needed to grieve.

Yes, it gets better once you can work through it all, and it is well worth the effort.

 

[doglover]

Thank you, jeeps, it is reassuring to hear that there is benefit for you and how that benefit shows up.
I think I might just be avoiding. The strain on my life from the extra stress stinks. And I don't have a partner or family member to pick up the slack if I drop the balls. I like feeling okay or numb over feeling terribly wretched in half... which is probably why I split the horror off from regular life in the first place.

 

[Blynn89]

Hi..my opinion on "exposure".. I used to think myself that I needed to go through the trauma, try to recover memories (I have very few but enough to know it was horrible). So after a serious suicide attempt in 2007 (my ptsd cup finally overflowed at age 41), I went to a ptsd program and got into that kind of therapy. The groups on stabilization and mindfulness were great, very helpful. But for one thing, my life was very unstable, unsafe at the time (husband had major health problems, I had to basically nurse him for 2 years, then he had a transplant, went nuts on the antirejection medication).
Anyway, I have found lately and over the years that whenever I got close to the trauma, ie. had some memories, or even went to therapy and was getting near it.. I totally lost functioning. I became suicidal, panic attacks, depressed, pain symptoms way up, etc. I even would have nightmares for the days up to my therapy appointments. I went to an art therapy program for PTSD a few months ago when things were nuts in my life, marriage (we've since separated) and totally regressed, destabilized whatever you want to call it. I ended up going to the local mental hospital and checking myself in, suicidal again. So I have used up my 2+ years of this free government trauma program, and they don't feel that going in to the trauma is good for me right now either, have referred me to a dbt group, and a depression/anxiety 18 mth program so I can work on managing my symptoms of depression/anxiety, stabilize.
So I agree that if you are going to work on the trauma itself, you need to have a very stable, safe environment, etc etc. But even with all that, I've recently come to the conclusion (after talking to a few doctors and my therapist) that not everyone needs to go into the trauma deep, or can handle it. I felt retraumatized many times during my recent therapy. I don't feel that being suicidal and depressed alot accomplishes anything, and there's a reason I have not remembered details of my abuse for over 40 years. My mind is protecting me obviously, I've tried repeatedly to remember and process more of the trauma, and I think I have enough memories now to know what basically happened, see its effect on my life, and processed enough to let it go. I may need to go back to it later if stuff comes up, but for now I'm ok with getting off the ptsd treadmill.
good luck and good health to everyone here..
Brenda

 

[SimplyComplex]

I think it is a good point, the first part of trauma therapy is getting safe, getting the coping skills and getting into the place where you can cope with the memories. Its been a big focus in therapy. Luckily (or not) I had so much amnesia, I tend not to remember things until I am strong enough to cope with them. I had to learn that too, when a memory came, I was not going to be consumed because it was only coming when I was ready. It doesn't make it easier, it makes me less fearful. Also, I have found once I process a memory, talk about it, etc, I feel better. No matter if I have found any level of peace with that memory, I feel less symptomatic.

I wish I had a before and after picture of my life. I should have taken a picture of my pantry, I think it is a good indicator. Before it was packed full, over flowing, piled high. Food, baking goods (I dont bake), hurricane food, just piled, unorganized. I would try to sort it but never got very far. Things were spilled and broken. But company came and I could just close it, no one would know. Now it is well organized, pretty much what my family needs for the time being (with a few extras for disasters). And I didnt even try. Wanna know how much time I spent talking about my pantry in therapy...about 30 seconds.

But my whole life is like that. Life is just...easier. Things make sense. I dont feel as fearful, or disorganized, or unsure. I think I would be considered higher functioning and before I got hit by the symptoms *again*, I was super active and seemed to have a really great life. But it catches you and doesn't allow you to push it away anymore. My t reminds me of this when I say I just want to go back to being super busy and not feel like crap. She tells me *it* (what ever you are doing to run away) stops working. She is so right. When I started therapy I was thinking I needed a drug addiction if I wanted to keep my mind busy enough.

So when it gets hard, it really does. But when it gets better, it proves to be worth it.

 

[doglover]

Brenda,
That's what I'm worried about. I'm worried that looking at my past will make my functioning level drop so much that it will almost be worth it to leave it alone. I want to get better, and I want to feel better in myself and better in relationships. I want to be more stable in how I respond to people, trust more, etc. I want to feel more connected to my emotions. If I can get there with skills focused on the present, and if I could get FARTHER from that by delving into my past, then I guess I'm just really scared to look too hard.

SimplyComplex,
I think you make a good point that the mind will only show us something when we're ready to deal with it. I'm just nervous about the whole thing because I seem to be so sensitive to stress. One stressful day can make a ripple where there is a dip in functioning for several days. Not always but sometimes.

You say your pantry got organized... as a side effect of what, exactly? Treatment? I cleaned and organized last night but I think I was running from feelings about my trauma and abuse. At least I was constructive about it instead of destructive.

But if whatever I do to run away stops working then busyness will only go so far and spacing out or getting sleepy (like I just did... I guess the feelings about the trauma/abuse tried to surface again) will stop working too. Maybe that's why lots of people make it into their late 30s plus before they start working on it?

I don't know. I just know I'm scared to try looking at the memories and feelings. I feel like my brain can't handle it right now. I don't feel stable enough. Maybe I'm not yet and maybe that's a cop out. After all, I've made it years and years coping the ways I'm used to. I guess it only makes sense that I'd be scared to try and push past those methods of running from the pain.

 

[anthony]

Firstly... you don't have to look at your past as your starting point. There are a few key points which many often miss when it comes to trauma therapy of any type, being:

• Your home environment must be stable, safe and supportive.
• You must be able to manage your emotional stability during trauma therapy (techniques, cognitive functioning).
• You must know relaxation and stress relief techniques, and have them implemented within your life, prior to trauma therapy.

They are the three golden rules, regardless the type of trauma. The length these take is what varies based on the individual and trauma type / severity / combination with the individual personality.

Sometimes this is all done on the fly with trauma therapy... though with complex trauma, its a MUST that you have these in place before you even think about facing fears.

Trauma therapy does not necessarily mean you have to remember the past, or even revisit your entire past. Trauma therapy is about the present, not about the past. The past has defined the problems you live with in the present, and some of the answers do lay within the past, so there is a guarantee that you will have to delve into the past for some aspects in order to piece together a resolution for the present and future.

Trauma therapy in essence is a combination of past, present and future. Thats what it really is. Its not just past, past, past, trauma, trauma, trauma.

What you felt in the past is often irrelevant, because what you felt during trauma, or when you were a child, you cannot distinguish or isolate with accuracy, more often than not, and then present emotion can be vastly different from past emotion. Emotion evolves... so its about what you feel now, based on what you endured in the past.

Long story short... if you don't have those three things completely sorted above, then you need to before you start delving into trauma therapy.

Like people have said above... relationships are broken whilst trying to do trauma therapy. Yet the relationship is broken due to the trauma.... its a pickle of a situation, no doubt about it... but one way or another, you have to stepup and sort that relationship out first before you get into trauma therapy. Whether it lives or dies, you will choose and act accordingly at that time. Those who rebuild their relationships usually have a solid stance into trauma therapy, because that is an action that you perform, you invoke change to make your relationship more healthy... which is a foundational attribute of trauma therapy. People who accomplish this often fly through trauma therapy.

Saying that... some relationships are too far gone, so its better to split, recover, get your life stable by yourself, then get into trauma therapy, then once you are in a much better place after a year or two, then review relationships, as a relationship is a massive stressor within your life whether you know it or not. Some good stress, some bad stress.

 

[SimplyComplex]

Brenda,
You say your pantry got organized... as a side effect of what, exactly? Treatment? I cleaned and organized last night but I think I was running from feelings about my trauma and abuse. At least I was constructive about it instead of destructive.

I guess it is hard to explain...and I didn't do a good job. Ummmm...there were things in my life that reflected my inner chaos. Disorganization is very symbolic (I even had dreams about it). It wasn't that I couldn't organize a closet or present a clean home. It was just under it all, there was a current of my internal problems. And I just couldn't "get it right". I couldn't figure out how to fix all these things in my day to day life. But as I have worked on my internal world, and become healthier, it has translated to my external world and my day to day life. Its kind of phenomenal how many ways it has.

 

[doglover]

Thank you, Anthony. I guess I thought exposure therapy was more about looking at your past, and something like EMDR would be more like present+past. It's the conscious attention to past memories involved in exposure therapy that I'm really scared of doing.

I'm not sure my support system can handle exposure therapy right now. Only got one friend I feel I can trust enough for it, even there I'm uncomfortable being all meltdowny with them.

I like those three rules. I hope a therapist can help with the "manage your emotional stability" part. I think sometimes I don't catch the wave early enough before I'm drowning in it.

If I hear you correctly, dating while starting therapy is a terrible idea? (Leaving aside doing my own exposure for now.) Or getting into a full-on relationship would be, if I would take rejection and ups/downs too hard? Intellectually I see how it might be unwise.

I guess since relationship is the main area I'm wanting to improve (opening up to romance... I'm too easily single...), I was thinking I could apply therapy to that area of my life - take more chances, knowing I can bring any issues into therapy, and taking everything really slowly. Now I'm wondering if I am getting ahead of myself. It sounds like I might be able to do that if I were going for non-trauma therapy, but doing this for trauma therapy is not so wise.

You've given me something to think about, Anthony, and thank you for educating me!

 

[doglover]

SimplyComplex,

Thank you, I understand better what you meant. I've seen for myself how orderliness relates to what's going on inside. I'm messy at times, and feel messy too. It's pretty awesome to hear that making progress on your trauma can lead to something like easy organization! I've struggled with that for as long as I can remember.

Come to think of it, I'm remembering now how I stopped sleeping in my own bed when my father passed. How I had a huge pile of stuff on my bed, and slept in my mother's room. And how friends would come to play in my room, see the stuff on my bed, and I lied about how long it had been there. I was ashamed of being too scared to sleep alone.

Thank you, as well, Simply, for providing the fuel for that to surface. I'm trusting myself to handle my memories more and more - and being on this forum is a huge part of that.

 

[anthony]

Exposure therapy is not about your past... exposure therapy is about what you fear and surpassing that fear, then cognitively establishing that you faced that fear, and all your irrational beliefs you had that created the fear, where just that, irrational beliefs and not actual realistic fear beliefs.

If you walk across the highway in peek hour, then a realistic fear is that you are going to die.

If you stand in your doorway and believe the postman is going to kill you when delivering the mail, when no such acts have cited this to be true, then that is an irrational fear that you have created in your mind, and it perpetuates further and further, constantly creating anxiety, depression, symptoms period...

That is what exposure therapy does... its not about the past, its about what you fear. That can be past, present and future.

 

[Jacquie]

So if you are in a situation where people are pushing you back into the middle of the highway in peak hour traffic (while THEY are wearing blindfolds) and where you've already been hit by a truck 3 times....thats a real fear right?