Exposure Therapy

[EverOnly358]

I don't even know what to say. It was a mess. I didn't punch anyone though! There's the good news. I was on my best behavior. This is a doctor that has been told my history TWICE, and today, I get "Why do you think you have PTSD? I see signs of OCD, I hear you saying you're bipolar, but..." Well, maybe because I've been diagnosed PTSD in the past. Maybe because I spent the time from age 2-1/2 to 20 being beaten every month, being thrown around, being punched, being slapped, being screamed at, being told by my father (the only family I had around) how much he wished I was dead and how he was going to make it happen!

Then, when I tried to escape to my mother's house at age 12, that lasted exactly 6 weeks and 2 days before her husband (stepfather #5 (or is it #6?)) raped me. And then my mother accused me of seducing and stealing her husband. I was TWELVE! Jeez... I didn't even know what she meant until years later. So then it was back to my father, to be his punching bag, and absolutely no one who cared. I was just there, for him to punch and hurt again and again until I broke and I screamed "Somebody Help Me" and then he would throw me on the ground, pin me and choke me until I passed out. But apparently, look, I don't have PTSD. Hahaha! I'm cured! Isn't that great!? I don't have PTSD. I haven't suffered enough yet. In the end, after giving my history for a THIRD time, this doctor made it clear she couldn't help me. Now, I'm just going down a list of other therapists, making appointments. But really, I'm just on auto-pilot... I was determined to seek help. God, I just feel really hopeless about it all. But sure, I've got to get ready and go, and smile and say nice things and gossip with all the stupid, vapid moms at my son's Cross Country meet today. And no one understands and no one will help me.

 

[lcb]

I'm sorry! That stinks. But keep trying and don't give up sounds like it wasn't a good fit with the Therapist. I once went to a Therapist and he just looked at me and said that I would never have a normal relationship or life. That he didn't know what to do with me.

Then the last lady I went to before this one kept talking to me about her life and her problems. Its really hard to find a good Therapist. I feel for you and can really understand where you are coming from a little bit.

My mother ( who was a prostitute/ alcoholic/ drug addict) dropped me off at my grandparents house when I was 2 years old for money. I never saw my mother again. Technically was kidnapped from the age of 2-6. Then the police found us and my father got us. Our grandparents where trying to hide us from him because he was extremely abusive.

Anyhow I hope you keep trying and find another therapist, their is a good therapist out there that will help you and you deserve that!

 

[EverOnly358]

I am so sorry for my little hissy fit. Many apologies. I was in a mood about the whole thing. But I survived. And I'm calmer about the whole thing tonight. I'll keep trying the therapist thing... just each time I have another terrible experience with a doctor it makes it that much harder, y'know? But I've really had enough of this shit, and I'm determined to kick PTSD's ass. I'm just really determined. (Okay, maybe I'm still in a mood about it. Oh well.)

lcb, I am so so sorry for everything you've gone through! I can't believe your therapist said you would never have a normal relationship or life. That's terrible! Of course, you're going to prove that jerk wrong! I know it! You've been so brave and calm about it all... I need to try to follow your example. And y'know what the worst part of this whole day was... there was no chocolate either! ;D

Thanks for listening and for sending good thoughts. If you're interested, I should know soon when my next doctors appointment is with yet another new therapist. And I'm still seeing this other therapist... so, well, it's going along okay, I guess. It tends to be more surface stuff, but whatever. Plenty of screwed up me to work on.

And I'm going to really try hard to post my trauma diary online. That's really hard. I mean, I've started writing it, but in a local file on my computer. It's just really hard. If anyone has advice about that, or encouragement or whatever... oh, well, even without advice or encouragement, I'll get it done.

Thanks again for the nice thoughts sent my way. It means so very much to me!
Hang in there,
D

 

[lcb]

Yes let me know when your next appointment is. I have our couples therapy tonight and then my own appointment Thursday. fun fun fun!!!

We need to stock up on some chocolate.

I was wondering if you have tried a therapist that specializes in ptsd?

 

[EverOnly358]

Still working on a therapist that specializes in PTSD. The last one was just a therapist I tried going to after we moved here. I hear good things about this other therapist I'm trying to get an appointment with... but it's been difficult to get an appointment and get all his credentials. Then there's a third therapist that I WAS able to get an appointment with, but he's not as highly recommended. We'll see. Lots of phone calls (which I hate) and lots of dealing with the screwed up American healthcare system (which I loath). But I'm determined to keep moving forward.

You're gonna do great tonight! Best of luck at couple's therapy and then at your appointment. Come back and tell us everything, including what kind of chocolate you ate, so I can live vicariously through you!

Last night on chat (here on the forum) we spent a ridiculously long and funny time discussing ice cream and chocolate and donuts and cookies and cake, and ice cream, and more chocolate. I'm like... I'm still totally craving this thing they make at Culver's with chocolate ice cream and lots of broken up bits of chocolate peanut butter cups. And I posted my Trauma Diary (just barely started...) today, and I'm proud of myself. And I have been eating so, so healthy. So maybe today I'll go get some chocolate chocolate peanut butter milkshake thing. ;D Because the only thing better than chocolate is chocolate mixed into chocolate ice cream. ;D

 

[lcb]

Not sure how last night went. I really feel like my husband can be emotional abusive at times and he thinks I am too sensitive because of my past. That is how we got started on me going twice a week so the other night Thursdays I go working on that. I have been doing the exposure therapy. So that I am not triggered so easily by him.

My husband has been processing it. I really don't think he means to even do it. Its not all the time. Just when he gets frustrated. I think he feels since he doesn't hit its okay. I was telling him growing up, i remember more of the words my dad used than all the times he beat me up. I can't tell what my husband is thinking. Thankfully we drove separate last night and i was able to just go get my daughter by myself afterwards. It was pretty awkward afterwards.

I did get a massage before my appointment and got frozen yogurt before. I filled the cup up with more chocolate chips, kits kats, m&m's and other chocolate stuff than yogurt lol

I think since I have been working on myself and maybe just getting sick of it. I don't feel like I deserve it anymore.

Its really not so easy. Starting out in a bad situation growing up doesn't give a good foundation for the future and then you find yourself in a similar situation.

 

[EverOnly358]

Oh, oh, oh! I totally hear you! Truly!

Totally feeling "since I've been working on myself and maybe just getting sick of it. I don't feel like I deserve it anymore."

I'm having a bad day, so, like, I'm not really going to be full of positive support today. But... I think you're trying so hard. You should be proud of yourself. I think you deserve to be cared for. I think you deserve a chance for things to be better.

I feel like I can't even say anything about your husband... because I AM SERIOUSLY PISSED OFF AT MY HUSBAND TODAY. Which maybe isn't fair, but I don't care. I'm sick of stupid, stupid, unable to understand, stupid, stupid men! SICK OF THEM! Sick of all their... "oh, I understand, oh, I'll do that," and then, when you actually need them to be around, they're never THERE!

Okay... perhaps I will take my crazy rantings off to my Trauma Diary, since that's likely the cause of my sadness and anger today.

But hang in there, okay? I'll come back around when I've settled myself down. And you'll do great tomorrow night. Every session is a step moving forward. This is good stuff even when it's hard.

Hang in there,
D

 

[EverOnly358]

How was your appointment yesterday? I read someone else on the forum you were doing exposure therapy and feeling great... good for you! That's terrific!

 

[lcb]

Thanks for checking in. Yes the exposure therapy is actually done. I am doing well from it. I have much more self esteem. I can't even explain it. If feels good though I am holding my head up a little higher. The doctor said I did really well.

How are you doing?

 

[EverOnly358]

LOL! That's terrific! I'm so very happy for you!

I, on the other hand, am in a mood, which I hesitate to share with anyone. I was about to say "but you asked for it..." but I can't even share. Tried writing in my Trauma Diary, seemed like too much whining, deleted it. Starting writing in my personal journal... got bored. Not the same if someone's not listening.

Therapy is going along. I'm talking to one therapist who is dealing with more of the surface stuff, whatever. She said something yesterday that was meant to be nice, but like, she doesn't know me at all. So I've been spinning on it. She said, "D, you could never say anything to upset me." Hahaha! Really? Would you like me to try? I'm always very successful once I decide to try. Which, I KNOW, it's not healthy behavior to test people when they say things like that. I am trying to be good and just take it in the way she meant it, as a nice reassurance or something. But, aaarrrggghhh! It's hard to explain. I've been told by a close friend that I like to poke at sleeping tigers. I've been trying very hard not to do that thing I do all the time... where I bother people by saying something they don't want to hear. But, it's difficult.

But I finally have an appointment next Thursday with the highly recommended guy I've been trying to get an appointment with since the disaster appointment with other chick (the one I almost punched in the past). Sorry this is all too confusing. There's also another appointment kinda pending at this large psych practice if the highly recommended guy doesn't work out. It's all happening too slow for me. Now that I've decided to be determined about it, it's just like a done deal. I'll do whatever it takes. But now everyone's moving too slow. Everyone's always moving too slow!

Sorry, I'm in a mood. ;)

I am super, super happy for you! Great job!

 

[EverOnly358]

This thread has meant so much to me! Thanks!

 

[lcb]

d123 I haven't been on in a little while. Hope your appointments have been going well! I have a couples one tomorrow. Wish me luck please!