Extreme Anxiety for Future Security

[Momma Kitty]

My constant strategic planning and fear of potential stressors have set me to crying and anxiety for almost a week now. It is impairing my ability to work and function. I am in fear of my future.

My husband has two minor children from a previous marriage. His ex served his immediately after our marriage with change of custody and awarding her the "full value of his employer offered life insurance", unaccountable for his kids. OK, I survived that very difficult and confusing time in 2006-7. Now I was informed by him last week, if he dies accidental (he rides a motorcycle daily, and had many wrecks) the policy will be 300k split 50/50 between me and his kids, otherwise, 100k will be split.

He has not seen his kids but twice in almost two years due to the mean control and illegal actions of his ex, who home schools. They are 11 and 17. TN state law says the wife only gets 1/3 of estate without a will. Let me tell you, his ex will come after me for 2/3 of every single thing belonging solely to my husband, plus she will have the money to do it. While I will have to settle his debt, pay for his funeral, burial and any medical costs while trying to mourn the loss of my soulmate.

The anxiety is overwhelming. He does not understand.

 

[anni]

Hi Momma Kitty,

It seems like a wierd, wierd law in TN. Generally, if a husband dies without a will the wife automatically inherits 100% no matter what. The ex wife is also completely without power in that situation. It is up to the child's father to ensure the future of the children, and when they are of age she has zero say whatsover. She can 'come after you' with a battalion of lawyers but that will not give her power over you. If you haven't already, try to get in touch with an attorney and veify that TN law is indeed as you think. Maybe having a professional put the facts in front of you will give you some peace.

If he were to pass away while the children are under age, the children receive social security payments until they are 18. The mother might be able to administer this for her children, but she has to be accountable to the government as to how this money is spent. The ex wife is not due anything at all from anyone, much less being enabled to come forward to claim 2/3rds of an estate.

Given your PTSD, perhaps your husband could be brought to understand that your anxiety is only being triggered by what you can only view as a tenuous financial future. You are his wife, he has a responsibility to you and his children. He also does have a responsibility to ensure you are not harrassed by his ex-wife in the event of his death. Maybe he could sit down with you and an attorney and make a clear plan which would give you some peace.

In the meantime, it sounds as if you are tormenting yourself with anxiety. I've been there so often, and know I will be again! Unless there is some reason to believe you will be left a widow, you know it's this dam PTSD making the thoughts of his death take over your mind. It's very likely you and he will have many, many lovely years together. No ex can keep the hatred alive for ever, no matter how awful they are. The children will grow up, have lives of their own, and no longer be a weapon for the ex to use.

It's just awful to live with this fear, dread and anxiety. I do hope you are able to find some peace very soon!

Take care,

Anni

 

[Deleted member 541]

While I can sort of understand that you have some concerns for your future, I just can't seem to understand the extent of your worry.....

Unless I am missing something here, and your husband is terminally ill, I really can't quite understand why your future would be this upsetting to you.....

We really have no control over our future, and yes, I guess we all worry over money at one time or another, but hell......I just flat out refuse to let it get me to the point of being sick.....

I think that it would be more prudent for you to focus on yourself, healing yourself and your trauma, than worrying about his ex, and how much money she may get.......All this is doing is making you sick. Focus on you, and to hell with everything else.......

 

[cragger65]

I think when we are already sick, it becomes so easy to obsess over future woes. I think the logic is, if we worry about it now, it will be easier when the time comes. But all it does is rob us of the now. I agree with Anni. Try to figure out what you'll have, IF the worst case scenario came to pass, and then prepare with research and planning.

I feel for you, I really do. I got caught in this same worry game after my accident, and it just destroyed my life as well as my state of equilibrium/mental health. I don't want to see that happen to anyone else if it's at all possible to avoid. Are there other financial programs available to you through government for instance? The angle I'm suggesting is to be as prepared as possible, then you will be able to focus on the important emotional stuff SHOULD the time come. Hope this is helpful, wishing you all the best.

Dave

 

[suzie q]

Momma Kitty,

Sorry to hear about your extreme anxiety right now. I understand how you would feel that way considering what your husband just told you about his policy. Is that something he came up with or is it truly Tennessee State Law? Have you investigated with a representative of Legal Aide? I'm sure even though you live in a rural area, there will be some sort of Legal Aide you can consult with over the phone. I'm no lawyer, but I live in Tennessee and have never heard of that kind of arrangement being law. Could it be some stipulation in the divorce decree involving his kids, like a way they agreed his death benefits would be distributed to his children when they got divorced?

Please reach out for answers before you give yourself a nervous break-down. I will let you know if I find out anything else about the law. :thumbs-up

 

[Momma Kitty]

TN law for estate settlement without will is 1/3 to spouse, yes. His custody arrangement amended since our wedding by his ex filing for change is filed at the local court house with my husbands lawyers signature and SIGNED BY A JUDGE. It read that his ex wife gets the full value of my husbands employer offered life insurance for his children, UNACCOUNTABLE. He bought the additional life offered, not paid by employer for me so it ends up equal amounts.

Yes, I was widowed when my only child was a baby. I have seen my husband's social security report. His ex wife will receive over $1000 x2 kids a month until they turn 18. That is twice what he pays in child support, currently $11,000 a year.

My husband is 59, high blood pressure, cholesterol, refuses to exercise or eat right (lazy) and had two blood clots since our marriage. His depression over his ex getting away with Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS), home schooling his kids, the DA refusing to prosecute her husband for pointing a gun a my husband when he was trying to force her to let him pick up his kids for visitation almost two years ago, and so much more, make me fear for him dying. Plus he rides a motorcycle to work daily. Last August he wrecked when a deer ran out in the road. He has high car insurance due to a history of car, truck and motorcycle wrecks. He broke his thigh bone several years ago. He as many muscle and bone pains right down to walking, yet works daily as a manufacturing maintenance mechanic.

His kids are the only grandchildren of his ex wife's family. Her two siblings have real estate which they will inherit, plus hers and her parents. They will not have to deduct one penny from his life insurance for his bills or to bury him, I will.

Yes, I will get proactive about this issue. He is withdrawn and sullen with my discontent. Not sure if I can get much cooperation without causing a riff. How can a man that says I am his dream come true leave me tell me to walk away from my life here if his ex causes me issue and use the money to buy me a place on the lake?

His ex has called my federal employer trying to get me fired by telling them I was using my government credential to get medical information about her. She has ordered several hundreds of dollars of mail orders in my name, billed to me. She stalked me forever at my second public retail job until one day, when I said hi to his son, and that his Dad missed him... she replied to me, "He (my husband) can see them when you are gone." Needless to say, I responded that she was the one that "committed adultery". Stupid me, she called management, and even though I was not on the clock, but still in the store... TN is a right to hire state, thus I almost lost my job. She has not come around me in several months now. Not since October?

I will probably be the one to die before him due to all this stress I cannot handle.

 

[suzie q]

Momma Kitty,

I apologize for any questions that have made you upset. I understood the post to say that you weren't for sure, so I reacted thoughtlessly by asking unnecessary questions. Your husband's settlement is very specific.

I hope you can find someone to help you work through all these stresses before it affects your well being. I hear the stress and understand how to many things at once can cause me to shut down.

I have in the past tried to list those things I'm worried about and have put them in a box and waited for a week to see if things will work out. It was a surprise to me to find quite a few had either disappeared or I had a different outlook on the problem. Living day to day with common stresses is enough, let alone all the things I worry about that I have no control over.

Sending you calm prayers and support in your journey with PTSD.

 

[anni]

Hi Momma Kitty,

Oh my I also did not mean to upset you further! Everyone with PTSD have different reactions to things, and different things which help alleviate some of the symptoms, I know. I should have said that one thing which helps me is ( when I can ) grab all the facts I can and try to find one I can MOVE with. It makes me feel like I have a tiny bit of control and helps my own anxiety. I certainly did not mean to imply you didn't have your facts straight or didn't have a clear idea of your situation. You have so much to deal with, please do not think there's anything but some comfort here at the forum.

You seem to have just a huge amount of factors triggering you! I am so sorry!Some ex's are the Energizer Bunnies of hate. I have one, although she doesn't have the control over my life which yours appears to be able to exert in yours. It is beyond infuriating to have someone continually wearing at you in such hateful and obnoxious ways, I know!

I don't know if you've managed to take any action, but is it possible for you to have her charged with some kind of intrusion? The phone calls, etc. certainly sounds as if they'd be illegal somewhere along the line. I'm not telling you something obvious, I hope, and therefore making you feel even more frustrated. It's just that I do find that if there is some little measure I can take to re-exert control of something which is out of control in my life, it seems to give me a foothold to be able to manage my anxiety.

It also has to be hurtful to have your husband seemingly checking out of the situation and providing no support for you. You are doubtless in the same situation financially as a lot of us, where being able to put any money into a solution isn't at all possible. Perhaps your husband, in the interests of peace, would consider taking out another life insurance policy on himself with only you as the benefactor. A regular term policy might be bought at a reasonable price, I think. Perhaps you could also look into having him write his motorcycle insurance policy so that you would benefit financially if he is indeed in a serious accident. It also sounds as if your husband has had his own traumas which could have affected his actions. I engage hugely in the avoidance behaviors and he sounds as if he checks out emotionally when things become too stressful. Maybe him browsing a forum such as this one ( you might need to keep your 'home' here in this one as your own little refuge, I know ) could help him recognize that he is checking out on you emotionally.

If I again have been terribly unhelpful please do feel free to let me know. I genuinely feel for you and maybe just venting here in the forum can be a release, some small comfort, and perhaps a source for suggestions from someone who has something singularly helpful for you.

The bottom line is that oh my, it is awful to have your triggers pressed again and again. It sounds like you have just no relief from your stress. When you can, at least try to take your own time-out from the problems. Be very very kind to yourself, take a hot soaking bath, read a trashy book, browse the internet for ridiculous sites which make you laugh. U-Tube is great for that!

Please take care and at least know I'm genuinely thinking of you!

Anni

 

[Momma Kitty]

Thanks for the input, and no one offended me. I tend to get short and to the point when trying to get control of a stressor. Yeah, I too make lists and try to analyze the problem from every aspect in order to try to find some way to take action.

This is great to have others with so many issues like mine. Keep the suggestions coming. I told my husband that I finally figured out why I could not handle or explain why I was upset over this insurance issue again.

After being on here, reading all the replies, I was able to say: "look, this is the real division of your life insurance - if it is 100k equal, subtract the 50k debt, funeral, burial plot, medical and what do I have left?" He said, I don't know. "Exactly! Now take 2/3 of what I have to pay off of yours and give it to them with the 100k!! So, I am gonna have to take my own policy out on you."

Then I threatened: "You need to figure out if you can pay off all my debt with 50% of my insurance plus my child gets 2/3 of my property, even though I only have one." (I have two previous homes, stocks, two vehicles, lots of collectible personal items, and about 50k debt.) I said that I never expected him not to provide for me. I just changed my policy this weekend from him 100% to 50/50.

My last words were a repeat of what he had said to me: "Guess you can always 'Just walk away from it all and start all over'. Yeah I am mad."

(I have a pulmonary heart valve problem due to stress and a short time period of taking "Redux" diet pills. It causes lack of oxygen in my blood. I am no longer able to do hard labor, like weeding my veg garden or setting up my pool, push mowing, etc. Plus I have all this continued stress, high blood pressure, a heart rate that will not drop below 100, and a family history of heart.)

 

[Momma Kitty]

Oh yeah, I have police reports on file locally about the mail fraud and harrassment. I have not filed charges which makes me look like the peaceful, nonprovoking one of this issue between she and I. This is a very close and small county. Her deceased father was a sheriff at one time. It was fun just getting them to not lose the report. I also filed with the Postal Service about the mail fraud.

 

[anni]

Hi Momma Kitty,

Haha! You're the one who suggested making lists to alleviate stress! I read that a few weeks ago and have been doing it and it works extremely well. It seems to allow me to focus on one thing at a time and deal with it instead of viewing everything as huge, complicated, unmanagable mess! It's SO cool to be able to log on here and know instantly that people 'get' exactly what one's problems are dealing with pretty much everything.

I like what you said about looking like the peaceful, non-provoking one. It makes a huge amount of sense and eventually she'll walk right into the hole she's digging for herself.It must be a little satisfying in the midst of the chaos to know you're the one who is behaving rationally.

I was once hospitalised for terrible chest pains. Because it's 'our generation' ( no offense to others :) ) I think we tend to suck it up and ignore it until it's drastic. The diagnosis was 'PTSD', which was amazing because I didn't tell them my history. At any rate, I'll have to keep an eye on it again. It hadn't occured to me that the stress would eventually cause such damage as you now have, but of course that is inevitable, I suppose. Thanks for bringing that up. I really hope they find a way to control it for you medically while you're trying to deal with the anxiety/stress factor.

I hope you continue to post if you find it at all helpful and so glad you were not offended! It's hard to know what other's triggers are, and also having PTSD makes one feel REALLY guilty if one thinks they've caused someone else anxiety!

I'd like to add that your posts have helped me. There was your suggestion about lists, but also I am your age, in a marraige with someone who has a nasty ex with (grown) children and the subject of inheritance can be touchy. It made me look at my situation and also approach my husband because we own out home together and I do not wish to lose it in the event of his leaving me early. His ex and one of the daughters would be on my doorstep that DAY demanding their 'cut', I absolutely know this. I can't afford to run this house with my own income, although it is o.k., but the thought of losing my home is dreadful. I'm making it known to the children, mine and his, what to expect and how things are and it will be legally documented.The ex and company will have a cow but OH WELL! I have horrible avoidance issues and probably would have kept putting it off were it not for you sharing your crisis.

Take care, and thanks again!

Anni

 

[onebravegirl]

PTSD taught me that things can Always get worse in life. You cannot control life. What you can do is cope in the healthiest way possible given the situation. Good things will happen and bad things will happen. The only thing constant in life is change. You are adding to your own burden if you let the fears of life consume you. Some times, you just have to float.
This too shall pass, all you have control over is a moment at a time, so try and enjoy your family and your other blessings.
Sorry thats about as helpful as I can be, I live in Canada and have NO idea about US laws regarding custody, divorce etc.
Best Wishes,:Hug_emoticon: O