Hello Momma Kitty,
I hope I'm not highjacking your thread, but I just want to share about my acute crisis of extreme anxiety for future security (I took tranquilizers, so I'm able to focus writing this) :
I have C-PTSD with attachment disorder.
I have not been able to make a career after graduating 15 years ago, MBA (university). I had severe panic and anxiety attacks during my studies, so graduating took 8 years. During last 15 years, I'v been unemployed for more than 10 years, working less than 5 years. My last 7-month work ended 3 months ago, though "unofficially" I was promised promotion to new tasks - didn't happen.
My home has been "the last safe-house" during sufferings, and it's been my nightmare to lose my home due to unemployment. Three years ago I was living alone in a studio apartment in the best area of the city, when got a note that my landlord had died, his children had to sell the studio due to inheritance taxes, so I had 6 months time to find a new home. I recall feeling like the end of the world is coming in 6 months, because it's hard to get a nice home in nice neighbourhood - having to move into some city slum feels like I'd rather end my life.
I miracle happened - I found an amazing apartment with surpricingly cheap rent just two buildings away on the same street, top floor of "Castle", and I found a room mate from internet to share the rent. The miracle was that I got this apartment, application was by e-mail letter, though there were more than a dozen other applicants, like doctors and business executives.
My room mate was a young woman - who, I found out, liked girls and ate some hormones while lifting weights. She was aggressive, and thought herself like being the man of the house. So, conflicts were unavoidable, and she moved away after one month. During that period, I started to drink. A lot. I could not sleep, and after some weeks I went to psychosis. At one point it was severe, I thought I'm Pharaoh. Then I was going to get married with a lot older, alcoholic woman with Parkinson's disease. Somehow, after 4 months of drinking, I stopped and understood the reality of what's going on. It was a long battle to get her move back to her place - I was really scared for her.
Well, later on I'v rented 2 rooms of this apartment to room mates - there has been about 20 tenants from almost 20 different countries (now there's a young guy from Australia in a big room). This arrangement is really the best solution for me - I'm not totally alone, get to at least say "hi" to someone every day. Thus, I live better and a lot cheaper than alone in a studio apartment.
Some months ago I got notice, that my landlord is so old, her daughter is taking over this "business". Oh no! She called there's some large pipe renovation coming spring 2010, and then later, two months ago, she visited here with a interior architect. I was really nervous, especially about my temporary wall I'd made, etc. Needed tranquilizers. She appeared nice, but took long looks about furniture etc. - well I don't afford better! I knew she wanted more rent, and I told her I could make a suggestion to here about - living here during water pipe renovation (no water, no toilet, etc, usually one does not have to pay rent at all during that) , and even paying like half the rent during renovation - and then make a suggestion to her that I could pay more after that. She said "oh yeas, do that!" It was Friday.
On Monday I was shocked to get info that the lease agreement had been determined by her - I hadn't even made my suggestion. I think she want's a lot more rent, and me out of here. In principal I have 6 months time to find a new home, but because the renovation starts in 3 months, I'm forced to find new home before that. This month I was not able to get one (because I have no income but unemployment etc. minimum), and because I have to announce my leaving here minimum one months before, my goal was to get a new place in this December, so I could move 1st of February. I'm really in crisis now, new year coming. Then the january will be my last chance. It's like doom days coming, i cannot handle pressure. It's like the last nails to my coffin.
I haven't been able to get sleep properly.
Just now I feel relatively OK because of tranquilizers, but that's only a temporary solution.
