Extreme self-loathing & ptsd

[TheSun]

We aren't born to hate ourselves imo. That is taught to us.

This would be a clue to me that you wer...

Thanks for the reply everyone. Well I think I should clarify. I was sexually abused for one year about by someone else (not family members) and then just being hit, which isn't a big deal, by my mom. That doesn't count as abuse. So it should not bother me at all, but recently, it's bothered me alongside the sexual abuse. She hit with either a stick or her hand. I'm not quite understanding of how this forum works. You said "This would be a clue to me that you were taught to minimize..." But there's a quote above that. Is that response in reply to me or Junebug? Not sure how replies and quotes work.

Also, I think that the way I think is a little extreme. I can envision myself being brutally harmed and murdered for something like being bothered by any of this. It's never just "I hate myself", but I think for me it's felt excessive and from what I gather my therapist once said it's a little too extreme. Is that extreme normal? But of course I never truly told her anything but I'm not sure what to believe. Even now that I'm an adult, my mother says "Worse happens to others." Both in regards to sexual abuse and her hitting me. "It's your fault since you didn't speak up."

 

[shimmerz]

"This would be a clue to me that you were taught to minimize..." But there's a quote above that. Is that response in reply to me or Junebug?

Really good question. That is a further thought on what Junebug picked up in your posting and quoted. Normally posts should refer to the Original Poster's concern.

I can envision myself being brutally harmed and murdered for something like being bothered by any of this.

It may seem extreme looking back on it as an adult, but through a child's eyes it may well have felt life threatening. This trauma stuff can be very interesting because we are assessing our pasts through different eyes.... and need to learn (for me anyway) how that would feel being 3 feet tall with a 5 foot + parent being aggressive at us. I imagine (and am learning how to accept that) that could be a very scary thing to be a part of.

 

[Friday]

from what I gather my therapist once said it's a little too extreme. Is that extreme normal?

Normal for PTSD? Very.

 

[Sideways]

Thank you for adding this thread.

The self-loathing can be (often is) suffocating. I know the "I'm always surrounded by myself," feeling. I'm the one person in this world I truly hate, but I can't ever get away from me.

And recovery from this part is cripplingly slow. Intellectually I get it. He was a paedophile, and that's really bad. The negative schema is a child's coping mechanism. Even the physiological stuff about the developmental brain.

It doesn't help knowing all that. It's illogical, but to me it somehow makes sense what happened to me. Of course he did those things. Of course that would be heinous if it was any other kid...

But it was me. I caused it. I deserved it. And if he crossed my path again, I can't say I'd blame him for doing it all over again. He's the victim, not me. It's irrational, and I understand that. But to me, the truth is that I deserved it then, and deserve the same treatment today. I hate myself that much. Some days I can ease up on the self-harm, but actually doing anything positive for myself feels hypocritical and unforgivable.

It's toxic. And I'm thinking there isn't a textbook in the world that's gonna help me change those beliefs. 7 years of therapy & a whole lot of hospital & I still can't tolerate myself any better. I don't know how to change that.

It's kind of devastating to hear that other people feel the same way about themselves because of what some heinous criminal put them through as a child. Because I know you didn't deserve it like I know the world is round.

But it's reassuring to know that you're surviving it - maybe that means I can too.

 

[Laurie2001]

Here's a great article that addresses a lot about PTSD including the self-loathing it causes. Look up Pete Walker. He has lots of articles and one is called Emotional Neglect and PTSD.I really recommend it. I totally know what you mean. He feels the biggest contributor to self-criticism and self-loathing is not just the outward abuse, but neglect and minimization of the neglect. Anyway, I'll let you read it.

 

[NewDayTomorrow]

Thank you Laurie2001 you just started a "READ Pete Walker" party! I AM EXCITED to read this article! Thanks for the recommendation.

 

[Sideways]

@Laurie2001

I read the article by Pete Walker & that's some confronting sh!t.

It's really hard talking about the details of the sexual abuse. But trying to confront the emotional abuse, the things I was expressly taught about myself (it was a ritualistic thing)...I just go completely numb. My head won't let me deal with that at all. Too dangerous. Too threatening to my whole self-concept.

Thank you for the reference. The self-loathing obviously has a very specific root cause that I haven't been working on at all. That's a huge breakthrough for me. Just because you took the time to post the details on this forum. So indescribably grateful to you:)

 

[ms spock]

Ever since I started to remember everything I have had extreme self-hatred. Does anyone else have such similar experience, or am I alone in this?

I am battling this in a big way at the moment! It is overwhelming my days, my thoughts, my emotions, my perceptions, my ways of being and I am really struggling with the self hatred. I am trying to do Kristin Neff's Self Compassion - if you look at her website she has free exercises and guided audio. I am reading her book and it is hard for me - as I am sure that I don't deserve ANY Self Compassion. I figure if that is the hardest thing for me to do in the world then it is the thing that I most need to be doing.

 

[Sandstone]

I figure if that is the hardest thing for me to do in the world then it is the thing that I most need to be doing.

Isn't that a self-punishing approach?

 

[ms spock]

It might sound like it Sandstone, and it is a fair question to ask.

I am not doing it to punish myself @Sandstone.

I am trying to break down a lifetime of depressive thinking and distorted cognitions, dissociation, depersonalisation and derealisation and an active inner critic which is brimming with self hatred, feeling that I am totally and all wrong, useless, bad and not worthy to even be in this now or have even the slightest nice thing. I am not worthy to breath and relax. And being here is why too dangerous as something terrible is sure to be about to happen.

Self Compassion is related to the practices of Loving Kindness and self soothing - you activate the mammalian systems that produce oxytocin. So it is all about accepting the pain you are in this now, noting that this is something that other people with PTSD/Complex Trauma/Depression/Anxiety/Social Anxiety go through and then working out how to be kind to yourself in this now - by comforting your self with a physical gesture and some soothing words.

Doing the hardest thing for myself is actively addressing my caustic feelings of low self worth and self image.

 

[Sandstone]

So it's "hard" in the sense that giving a handmade gift is harder than buying one? It asks you to make a huge effort to give this to yourself?

 

[ms spock]

Yes when I step out of the avoidance, dissociation and binge eating - I can go into a downward spiral of self hatred, shame, being totally wrong and not good enough - nothing that I do is ever going to be good enough so what the hell I am doing alive? Or I can go the three steps of Self Compassion - 1) this is a moment of suffering - these are ancient feelings from a severely abusive childhood 2) I am not alone in this suffering or struggling - other people with PTSD and Complex Trauma struggle with these types of feelings every day all over the well, so there is common humanity - I am not alone with these feelings they are normal for someone who has lived through what I have lived through, 3 May I be kind to myself in this now. What physical gesture can I do for myself to activate the systems in my body that are soothing for myself - how can I get that oxycotin to kick in and be there within me - so I do a physical gesture or I say some reassuring things to myself. Usually both.

It is the hardest thing for me to do as for the longest time I believed I deserved NOTHING good. But now - everyone deserves compassion and self compassion, and I part of the common humanity that deserves self compassion.

I don't know if that makes sense.

I am not saying that the being hard on myself that you @Sandstone picked up on is not there - I regularly just go into emotional self annihilation but I am starting to do some different things. It is the hardest thing for me to be kind to myself - but these three steps are helpful for me, and the more I practice, the better I will get with self compassion.

If you search for Kristin Neff's website on Self Compassion then you will be able to read the articles and download the free guided audio. I do the Self Compassion Break - but have trouble with the others - I have done them all once - but I need to build up to making them part of my inner world.