Extremely bad trigger getting triggered daily out of nowhere. Looking for advice. Sensitive issue

[shimmerz]

An unclean, unsafe, and emotionally destablizing place to live is going to kick up symptoms. Severely. I am so very sorry you are dealing with this @littleoc.

 

[TTC18]

She's a bit honest about what grosses her out, and she knows the person I'm talking about, so it wouldn't be good.

That's awful. I mean - if you can't talk to your T- who can you talk to? Can you find another T?
It's good that you've got an area all to yourself, what an awful situation.
With the mask, I was thinking you could act like you're sick and keep the mask on to keep everyone else from catching your germs, so to speak. Then no one would be offended. I'm so sorry that you're dealing with this...
I also agree with @Freida Medical issues can cause something like this but there's no excuse for leaving the mess everywhere and walking around in it. Serious mental illness on the part of the person is the only answer. Your sister and no one else are bothered by the poo everywhere? I just can't get that through my head.

 

[Sideways]

yes - feces can make people sick

I knkw that you already know this, but it bears repeating, and is the reason that this person should potentially be given a hardline approach. Boundaries about where they can leave their soiled clothes, and for how long.

Because people die of disease spread through faeces (like, in the third world where they lack proper sanitation, it’s in the millions each year). I get the need to be compassionate, because it must be humiliating. But there’s 2 steps to what is going on for you here: first, they’re soiling themselves and not using any (now very widely available and practicable) measures to address the issue, and second, they aren’t cleaning up afterwards. While one might excuse the first on compassionate grounds? The second requires addressing, also for compassionate reasons.

My triggers are always (always) more severe when there is a dimension of helplessness involved. Like you said - you can clean up your dog’s poop. Actually poop itself os not the problem. The problem is being confronted with poop, continuously, and not being able to do anything about it.

And that’s the part that is worth challenging with your T. Not the poop, the “There’s nothing hat can be done” part. If this person has a regular doctor? That doctor should become involved (recruit their help!) in finding a way to manage this. It isn’t something that you likely can solve alone. But as mentioned above, it’s absolutely not just you that is being impacted by this.

Without dwelling on the nature of the trigger itself, could you explore the helplessness of the situation with your T? That’s the part that is likely to bring you not just a sense of empowerment and control, but also possibly a resolution to this specific trigger itself.

ETA I’m not buying the “I’ll look fat” argument for one second. Uncontrolled diabetes AND uncontrolled incontinence AND an inability to motivate to clean up the mess? Sounds like a grwat big tonne of quite significant mental health crisis, and there could potentially be a mental health support service that could be referred to this person to assist them.

Just tossing around an idea. I think you’re doing amazing to cope with this at all.

 

[Friday]

And that’s the part that is worth challenging with your T. Not the poop, the “There’s nothing that can be done” part.

Strong second.

To be honest, most social services would recommend they live in an assisted care facility until they can learn to take proper care of themselves (if they can). And to be getting the medical and psych services they so clearly and desperately need.

And whilst that’s just one option?

If this person has insurance, I cannot more strongly recommend this. If they don’t have insurance? That would be my first list item... acquiring them the means to not be living in a state of profound neglect.

They cannot -or will not- take care of themselves. They need help. That help is beyond your ability to provide.

I’d also suggest you might work with your therapist about why embarrassment has more value to you than health & well being? You obviously love this person. Yet you care more for protecting them from being embarrassed, than protecting their life? And yours? (And I’m talking actual life, we could also include quality of life). That’s a problem, hon.

When you say “a normal person” would have no problem dealing with this? I’m getting the feeling you think that means living in an open sewer and never expressing any kind of word or action to indicate you aren’t thrilled to be doing so, to utterly protect the delusion/fiction that this is normal and fine. That’s NOT what a normal person would do. The situation needs dealing with. There are several different ways it could be dealt with, but none of them include what you have been doing, trying to hide everything and pretend it’s normal. <<< That’s very much an abuse mindset.

You don’t have to hide & pretend it’s normal.
You can seek help.
Your therapist can hopefully help you with that.

 

[ILoveLife]

They need help. That help is beyond your ability to provide.

Yet you care more for protecting them from being embarrassed, than protecting their life? And yours?

Yes.
The hurdles of dealing with another person's (particularly loved ones) mental illness are tough to grasp from the outside ("no one understands" thing), but there are basic things we need to prioritize, such as health and basic life necessities, two things that are currently not being taken as priorities in this situation.

 

[TTC18]

The situation needs dealing with. There are several different ways it could be dealt with, but none of them include what you have been doing, trying to hide everything and pretend it’s normal. <<< That’s very much an abuse mindset.

Oh wow. I agree with this x100 and realize I've been trying to give advice from my own abuse mindset. I'm sorry for that. :( Listen to Friday, ignore me!!

 

[Mach123]

Ok. I get that this happening is not the person's fault. It's the result of a medical problem.
However.


How the person is dealing with it is COMPLETELY their fault. An adult who refuses to keep themselves clean? Who leaves soiled clothes laying around the room? Who refuses to do anything to mitigate their condition because it might make them look fat? Who expects everyone else to put themselves in danger (and yes - feces can make people sick) because they refuse to do what is necessary to address their condition?

Nope. No way I give them a pass on that. There are a lot of medical issues that cause unfortunate and embarrassing results. But refusing to do anything about it? That's on them. I'm also going to guess it is a huge indication of a serious mental illness. Because it is not something an average (not normal, just average) would do in a situation like this.

It's interesting what you said because the person I was dealing with had a tremendous eating disorder brought on (probably) by CSA and never addressed. She had periods of attendance at OA. I was as I mentioned as symptomatic as I ever was in those years so in fact no one was at fault. (Unless people who are mentally I'll are at fault). I was mentally ill and I still am (although the therapist claims my condition does not rise to that level, it'll do till actual mental illness comes along)

At the time, try as I might I couldn't "give it a pass" and it occurs to me now that my ability to give anything or anyone a pass is directly related to my ability to give me a pass and I loved that person and I still do and now she's gone. She died at home with us. She couldn't give herself a pass. Like me when I'm symptomatic, she couldn't do anything about it.

I lived with an awful lot of stuff I didn't like or really hated. This person was suffering and her condition was the culmination of a lifetime of suffering. She didn't ask to end up like that.

My sympathies!

 

[Freida]

This person was suffering and her condition was the culmination of a lifetime of suffering. She didn't ask to end up like that.

I do feel very sorry for the person who is in this state and I'm not blaming them for that. But this has become a health issue that could affect anyone who is around them. It sounds like they are capable of caring for themselves and CHOOSING not to, rather than being a person who is unable to make that decision. If their mental illness has progressed to the point that they can't care for themselves then they need to get more help than the family can provide because the type of problem is putting other people at risk.

 

[Mach123]

I do feel very sorry for the person who is in this state and I'm not blaming them for that. But this has become a health issue that could affect anyone who is around them. It sounds like they are capable of caring for themselves and CHOOSING not to, rather than being a person who is unable to make that decision. If their mental illness has progressed to the point that they can't care for themselves then they need to get more help than the family can provide because the type of problem is putting other people at risk.

I understand and it's hard if they won't do anything about it. You can't make them, and having them sectioned or declared mentally incompetent, a threat to themselves or others, gets the state involved. You don't know what'll happen then. Sadly, I have years of experience with this. You just feel like somebody should be able to do something, but often, that's not the case.

 

[Teasel]

Thinking of you @littleoc

 

[Freida]

Sadly, I have years of experience with this.

I was thinking of suggesting Adult Protective Services -- I had good luck with them at dispatch but never on the other side. Thoughts?

 

[Justmehere]

It’s not shaming of the person to say, “I care about you a lot, and because of that, I can’t talk to you about this until you see a doctor.” No shame in that. Actually, there is quite a bit of dignity for all involved to put up a wall and point them in the direction of medical help for a serious health problem.