Extremely Depressed After Good Month - Going Backwards?

[MesaRock]

I'm horribly depressed and afraid I'm going backwards after a pretty stable month. I'm so scared. I can't get out of the past - I am stuck there and can't pull myself out. I feel so lost and hopeless. I thought i was making progress. Now I feel like i"m back at square one. December was pretty good until i went home to meet my new partner's family for the first time for xmas. We had to go back to Texas where most of my trauma occurred (haven't been back in 10 years), and I had no idea his family lives on the same block where some bad things happened to me years ago. In addition, they are very very religious and we had to go to church every day - my childhood abuse took place in a religious context and I sat through church for a week thinking i would lose my mind and just trying to keep it together. It was a huge family xmas - my first in 20 years - and brought back horrible memories.

I haven't been able to ground myself or feel okay no matter what tools I'm using. I'm hoping that this will pass - I feel completely nihilistic and feel like all my hard work in therapy through the fall has been a waste.

this time last year my ex and i divorced. i'm just overloaded with upsetting things and can't cope.

 

[shimmerz]

I feel completely nihilistic and feel like all my hard work in therapy through the fall has been a waste.

Idk, but I feel like with so many triggers around you during the week you have done really well. I get upset too when I feel myself sliding back.... it is natural to feel, but I try, instead to focus on the fact that I can feel the difference.... that I am able to contrast the two feelings.

I suggest you allow yourself to settle back into your routine again. Keep it small if you can. Focus on how well you felt not how triggered you got. Focus on that energy if you can. Don't bash yourself.

 

[MesaRock]

Idk, but I feel like with so many triggers around you during the week you have done really well....

Thank you. It never occurred to me that I did well. I guess I need to be more patient with the recovery process. I feel like if I'd done really well then I wouldn't feel this way. But I'll work on separating the two. I'm angry at myself that I wasn't better prepared and stronger to weather all this without being so terribly sad

I shouldn't be this fragile.

 

[Panda Bear]

I shouldn't be this fragile.

This was a huge trip! You did big things, be kind to yourself. And this isn't you being fragile. This is you learning to cope with pain in a painful environment and keeping yourself going.

What you did and that doesn't make you fragile, not in the slightest.

 

[shimmerz]

I shouldn't be this fragile.

You might want to rethink your phrasing on this. I see that you were strong. You were hit with trigger after trigger after trigger. That is strong, not fragile. Self care is recognizing that you need recoup time. That's all this is. Recouping.

When I feel fragile after being bombarded with stuff, it is now a given that I will need to rest. And your feeling of calmness will return. I have learned to trust that. Should's just make the brain noisy. I see them as ghosts whispering (or yelling) from the past of what others expected from you. Try and catch the shoulds. They don't help imho.

 

[Ronin]

^^ Shimmerz already said what I was about to say.

The only thing that you should is shoulds-yourself less, 'shoulds' don't help healing all so much, they're useful for chores and carrying on but not so much self care & emotion.

Besides, the most beautiful & cherished things in the universe? They're all fragile. Fragile ain't a bad thing.

 

[Tinyflame]

the most beautiful & cherished things in the universe? They're all fragile. Fragile ain't a bad thing.

That's such a kind & beautiful/ unique thing to say. :inlove:

 

[MesaRock]

You are all so very kind. And wise. I am having worse and worse time of it as day goes on. So hopeless. I am trying to be kind and self care but I am so furious with myself for being terrified. I am working so hard and the pain keeps getting worse

I'm terrified there's no end to this and I'll never know happiness again.

 

[RavenGirl]

but I am so furious with myself for being terrified.

terrified there's no end to this and I'll never know happiness again.

After everything you survived through Christmas, I KNOW you can persevere and make it through this too. You are a strong, wonderful, important, special, resilient, beautiful person who has so much to offer! You are a worthwhile person and I know that you can make it through this. Sometimes when we get so angry at ourselves and try SO HARD it actually makes us back pedal. So please try to be easier on yourself, use a little self compassion, because you are stronger than you think and you are worth it. (((Hugs))) Raven

 

[MesaRock]

I'm feeling much worse. Can't get a grip on these triggers. Panic attack since 4pm yesterday can't keep food down. Complete depression. Don't want to keep going

 

[Panda Bear]

@MesaRock hang in there. Breathe, what grounding techniques do you find helpful?

Do you have a Therapist you could contact?

 

[Friday]

Stress Cup.