Faces...

[FishNH]

Does anyone put on a happy face and deep down you wanna yell at the people?

I do cause I hate people asking whats wrong.

Tonight my poor roommate got little taste of my anger. And the guy has been just trying to help. I apologized and gave him a hug.

 

[Sludge]

Nope. I gave up on faking it over a decade ago. Hell, I'm known for my scowl. I find that dealing with the beast requires blatant, blunt honesty with oneself. Everyone else will adapt or get the hell out if your way. I especially don't fake it at work. In my line if work facial expressions are far more effective than words.

 

[Friday]

I think the better question would be how often I'm not using self control around other people. There's a reason why I isolate. Other people take energy. There are very few people, or groups of people I can simply be myself with. Whatever my mood.

 

[Friday]

I wanna be like Sludge when I grow up.

 

[Deleted member 43454]

Depends on the day. How much space between group interaction. All sorts of shit. I f*cking hate it because I get silent. I literally have nothing to say... or add. Like zero input/interest. Just the "que 'audible laugh' sound file." I mean f*ck even if what their saying is actually funny. Some times I just don't know what to f*cking say?! It's the faking I can't do. I leave and people get butt hurt that I can't devote to them more time and energy. They are confused. Think I'm an asshole, maybe I am.

Let alone, be it some one whom I've associated with has drama or and altercation about whatever. It's instantly be ready for the worse. Pray for the best. Lay low for awhile, re-assess the threat. I dislike confrontation. I've talked my self out of some pretty intense situations and it was thrilling. Nothing bad, but negotiation is an art. Some time's I've wondered if stupid people noticed the warning signs they give off when their flashing guns, or making stabbing gestures when your around them. Maybe it's their own fear? Maybe I f*ck with their mind, because I give it time.

Maybe it's me who's trapped inside my own mind. Who continually visualizes the potential hazards. Death will come, until then I must battle for good decisions among the dark. There isn't any reason to ignore being picky when choosing friends. I stopped telling people shit, because in the end all it did was amplify and word of mouth turned into an exaggeration for mere conversation punch & sparkle. An old civilian friend would bring up some shit, "Hey dude remember that one story you told me of blah blah...*volume fades*"

I'm sitting there looking at him in his eyes to see if he's f*cking serious right now. You can't leave me Black. I'll always be here. I bet it felt good to put it out there in your drunken stupor didn't it? Yea well it's just me and you now, buddy. My girlfriend at the time said, I went to the bathroom and when I came back I was another person...

 

[Barberian]

I don't bother with faking it either. I just be myself. Could be why I have no friends IRL...

 

[Friday]

. Nothing bad, but negotiation is an art. Some time's I've wondered if stupid people noticed the warning signs they give off when their flashing guns, or making stabbing gestures when your around them. Maybe it's their own fear? Maybe I f*ck with their mind, because I give it time.

Couple years after I got out, I crossed over to the dark side, for awhile. Nothing that bad, and not that long...I just didn't give a f*ck, so I'd walk into places others wouldn't/couldn't, you know? And I was used to having to negotiate with the cartels as we crossed boundaries carrying meds.

Normal people (I'm calling bangers and cartels normal people, ha, whatever) have to work themselves up to violence. You can totally throw their game off by just walking up and chatting. Or skipping all the bravado bs and lay them out. I swear, it was like working with children half the time. Oh. Did I ruin your game? Wake up.

It's why everyone is scared shitless of Albanian players. Because they don't play. If they're going to get artistic, they do it afterward. There's no wiggle room, because they're soldiers, not idiots who have to play nursery school posture and dominance games and work themselves up.

Anyhow... So I'm sitting with a friend of mine from LA county sherrif's dept after that got boring (it gets old very fast)...and we're just bullshitting. Running down the customs and games the different gangs, importers, families, enforcers... All those knuckleheads, and essentially it's racial profiling with a twist (how to use the customs to de-escalate, wind them up, get them stupid, get them onside, whatever ... What they play and how. Right down to "in that situation? You die. That's it. There is no f*cking way to finesse that shit."). Just BSing. Miami vs LA.

I got a job offer in the spot.

That thing you do, DB? Being able to assess, analyze, and interrupt the flow in the moment? Change it the direction you want it to go in the middle of a crisis? Apparently that's not a skill a lot of people have. They either get swept up in the drama, or don't know what to make of it. Don't know how to negotiate so other people will hear.

There's work in that skill, if you ever want to use it. Not just in police. Their archnemesis (journalists) are the direct parallel, but there are dozens of quirky avenues that all involve reading people at that level and making them do what you want them to. And not the dark side BS. Seriously. Unbelievably boring. I spent a lot of time tutoring their kids just so I could have an intelligent conversation for a change. The level of stupid is so bad it's indescribable. And I'm not that smart, so that's saying something.

 

[Sludge]

I wanna be like Sludge when I grow up.

No you don't. Trust me on that. Forcing ones self to go all Bruce banner and being passed off all the time is no way to live. It makes you feel even more isolated than you already perceive yourself to be...but it sure is fun to watch civvies in a state of mild panic when they realize that not only are you a nut job, but a nut job with a mindset that makes them realize how truly insignificant they are to you.


Hang in there.

 

[Sludge]

I don't bother with faking it either. I just be myself. Could be why I have no friends IRL...

I'd drink a beer you around the fire.

 

[dutchiedelta]

BackfrmIRQ, up until some time ago I tried putting on a happy face and fit in. It took me nowhere cos instinctively people sense your reactions differ from theirs.
Having a good social network is important when a person has PTSD.
Just not at any cost.

My bestie had a terrible childhood and can't hear a word about my past.
It sets her off into depression mode.
So I have to respect her limitations and boundaries.

Other than that, there's not much left.
No vets with similar background in the area that aren't uber religious. Not my cuppa tea.

A handful of people who take me for what I am is left. I work hard to keep them close cos they are worth it.
Even when they have no clue, they accept who, how and what.
That is priceless and I'm glad with them.

 

[Sarg]

I'm working on my Alfred E. Newman mask. That smile scares the shit out of people. One look and they head back down the canned aisle. Thought about big, brown freckles but realized it was over kill.

Sarg

 

[BaMuoiBa]

"That smile scares the shit out of people"

"What, me worry...." Shit, that got me through the first 25 years of untreated alcoholism and the next 20 sober not knowing what PTSD was.

Sarg, I resemble that remark...:LOL:

Ba