Facing A Party

[Sandstone]

Can you help me unravel which bits of this are PTSD, which are normal and OK and which aren't acceptable? Maybe make a suggestion for how to deal with it all?

Tomorrow is my daughter's 30th birthday party. It is to be held in a city, and there will be more than 70 people there. In itself that is terrifying. I rarely go out and only socialise on a good day with close family. I have met, and enjoyed events with, many of her friends in the past, before PTSD. She says they are looking forward to seeing me again, but I am no longer me.

She is about to move in with her partner, and his parents will be there. He is a lovely young man, so I expect they will be good people. I expect to like them. I'm still horribly afraid. I am a shadow, who would rather be invisible. I don't want to meet them, I don't want to meet them in a crowd, I don't want to meet them when my ex is there. I don't want to be associated with him in their mind.

I don't want to see him either. We split up when the children were tiny, so we negotiated our way through almost all their lives. It is a relief that I no longer have to do that. My feelings about him have got even more complex since my former T suggested his behaviour caused another Criterion A trauma in my life.(Exposure to actual or threatened death) Our therapy got ended before we could get anywhere with that.

I keep remembering the party after my daughter's christening, when someone said to me "I think I've just met your mother. She was sitting alone in a room and when I spoke to her she got up and walked away". I don't want to be her. I want to be able to be the mother I used to be and make this party good for my (little) girl. That doesn't seem to include lurking on the outskirts like a threatening storm cloud.

 

[Silver.]

I so understand what you are going through, it makes it incredibly hard. The best thing I can suggest is if your daughter gives you the okay to bring someone with you, who understands what you are going through, that can help you navigate around the party.
On social events where I don't bring either my sister or my s/o, I hang out in a far away corner looking and acting like someone who isn't me. If you have a friend that understands what is going on, can help you with even what seems like little tasks (getting a drink even seems impossible to me in these situations).
I understand your desire to want to be there, but how hard the social setting (and even the ex...yick) is going to be for you x
*sending you support*

 

[barefoot]

I can understand why this is a stressful situation for you.

As @Silver. says, are you able to take someone along with you - someone you feel comfortable and safe with?

Also, is it possible for you to meet your daughter's partner's parents beforehand? Even if it's just meeting for a quick drink/coffee somewhere half an hour before the party so that you get to do initial introductions away from the busy party environment?

Sometimes I find that having some kind of role or purpose makes things feel less awkward/stressful. E.g. If it's a house party, periodically walking around with some wine to top people up - gives you a sense of purpose and a role to fulfil and means that you get to come into contact with people but only very briefly - so you can do some surface-level smiley behaviour but not get stuck having to make bigger conversations with people as you need to flit off to top up another empty glass. Am assuming though that this probably isn't a house party - and you can't very easily take on serving drinks if you're in a bar/restaurant/hotel etc ;-) But can you think of something else you could do so that you don't feel you're hanging around feeling awkward or being forced to engage in long interactions with strangers. Can you think in advance of a few people who will be there who you would feel more comfortable spending some time with? If you can come up with a few names and maybe even a topic you can talk to each person about based on what you know about them/when you've met them before, that might help you feel more prepared and, again, it gives you some purpose/context.

I would also say, give yourself permission to leave if that's what you feel you need to do at any point when you're there. Whether that's a quick pop out, walk around a bit, get some air, then go back in or whether it's that you've had enough, you can't stay longer so you're going to call it a night and head off. A sudden on-coming migraine or upset tummy is a fail safe way of making a quick exit - and one that no one can really argue with!

Is there anything else you can think of that could make this feel more manageable for you? Anything you need?

 

[Sandstone]

My OH will be there, but he isn't a chatty person, so won't be a social buffer. My daughter said just yesterday how pleased she was that we would both be there and was very specific I should pass that message on to him. She also said that she would meet us from the station when we get there, and when I said that would take her away from the party she said she thought it was worth giving her time to her mother.

As you say, it isn't a house party, so I have no real role. As to others there, my other daughter and her fiance, their half sister. They all know most of the friends, so I expect them to be doing their young people thing together.

I know it is likely that I will have to take decompression breaks, but I hate having to be lIke that. I hate being a demand on my daughter.

I know it isn't PC, but I'm pretty sure that as practicing Catholics her partner's parents will judge my ex badly and that will rub off on me. I know that I was only guilty of innocence and naivety, but will they see it that way?

 

[scout86]

I really like the idea of meeting the other parents first, if that's at all possible. And of having an exit strategy.

A couple of years ago, I was invited to the wedding reception of a friend. It was on a boat. She said, "we'll understand if you don't want to come. You'll have to be in a boat, for hours, with people you don't know, and you won't be able to leave, but we'd love for you to be there." (sigh) I went. I somewhat made it a mission to make other people feel welcome. Like you said, these were friends of people I liked. They were pretty much all both nice and interesting. I concentrated on THEM as best I could and tried not to let my own self doubts take over. The event went fine. I met some nice and interesting people. For me anyway, worrying about this stuff ahead of time is usually worse than the actual event. You honestly seem like someone I'd like to meet in real life. I think you'll do better than you give yourself credit for, but I can also see where it feels like a daunting task. Good luck!

 

[barefoot]

Your OH is still someone you can be with and feel secure with though, even if he isn't' a social butterfly?

It does seem to me that you are making a lot of assumptions about how things will be. And I get that - that's the nature of anxiety and why we can get so wound up about things ahead of them happening while sometimes as @scout86 says, the reality isn't as bad as we had feared.

Some of the assumptions I see:

You expect the other people you know will be "doing their young thing together."

That you are "a demand on your daughter."

That your daughter's partner's parents will "judge your ex badly and this will rub off on you."

I honestly do understand your fears around the event and these areas you have highlighted, but I wonder if it will be a useful exercise for you to challenge some of those assumptions and see where that then takes you.

For instance, your belief that you are a demand on your daughter - that's not what comes across from the fact that she actively seems to want you at the party and wants to come and meet you at the station. Yes, it may well feel to you that you are a demand. But that seems to be coming from you, not from her behaviour (of course, I don't know any more context beyond what you've included in this thread)

Also - what does "doing their young thing together" really mean? Do you mean young people will want to spend time with other young people? If that's what you mean, is that necessarily true? And even if it is largely true, does that mean they wouldn't spend any time with you if you wanted? Or could you ask one of themto make some brief introductions? Take you round a few people, so you've met some people with someone you know and trust but, again, you don't need to then stay too long withpeople you don't know.

I'd try examining/challenging some of these beliefs and assumptions to see whether you are talking yourself into a more anxious and hopeless position than perhaps it will/could be in reality?

 

[barefoot]

I somewhat made it a mission to make other people feel welcome.

I'd also second this as a way of finding a purpose/role for yourself - and something you can do when it's not a house party. As mother of the birthday girl, you could for instance - if you felt able - position yourself near the entrance and greet people as they arrive - introduce yourself and then point them to the cloakroom/the bar/the food/your daughter etc. If this feels manageable to you it's quite a light touch way of having a prurpose and having contact with lots of people but in a brief, surface level kind of way. Also, you can particularly look out for people who look uncomfortable - maybe people who are arriving on their own or others who may find social events like this quite nerve wracking. Plenty of people find parties quite scary, especially when they first get there. I sometimes find looking for nervous people and scooping them up (a smile, a hello, a "head over to the bar and help yourself to a drink, my daughters flitting around over there...) can put a lot of people at ease - which in turn can help to ease your own anxiety about the event.

I hope your daughter has a wonderful time and that you find the event manageable (and hopefully even enjoyable too!)

 

[Sandstone]

I know it shouldn't be a problem. This is all stuff I used to do, but not any more. I couldn't begin to tell people what to do, why should I have any right to dictate to them?

I realised that I would be more obtrusive if I look scruffy, as I tend to most of the time. I started rescheduling shower days last week so I would need to shower on the day. I've just tried putting on make-up for the first time in five years. Last time I wore it I had dark hair, and I used to wear strong colours, but I tried the softest least apparent shades I had. I lasted 5 minutes before I washed it all off. It is a lie.
I need to iron the trousers I might wear, but my idiot mind is insisting I can't do that unless I do the whole basket of ironing, in the order it is stacked. Even then I don't know if I can wear those clothes. They look like someone functional. And again, they call for a necklace, and I haven't worn jewellery for five years either. It touches me.

Once I would have been the person circulating round everybody, introducing them to others they would like. I would have remembered her friends names and what they were doing, and wanted to know how it was going. Now I am so self obsessed. I don't want to think about them knowing what my last few years have been.

I know what I ought to do - stop focusing on myself and being so selfish, but I can't seem to do it. I'm scared. I expect to be found wanting, because i am no longer an adequate person.

 

[barefoot]

Just to clarify - I wasn't suggesting you tell anyone what to do or start dictating, so apologies if that's how it came across. If you're referring to my suggestion to point people in the direction of the bar etc as they arrive, the intention behind that is not for you to dictate what people should do. It's a meet and greet role to welcome people and help them to feel at ease. Anyway, the idea is obviously not something you're comfortable with and that is absolutely fine, it was just one suggestion. But I just wanted to clarify that I wasn't in any way suggesting that you should rock up and start telling everyone what they should be doing. Not at all.

Is there anything you can do today to focus on some self-care and self-compassion? You are sounding very harsh about yourself in these posts and I truly understand that this is frustrating and anxiety-making for you - and I get a sense too of some...grief, almost...for the person you used to be...? Those are powerful feelings. But I do get a feeling that showing yourself some kindness now might be more likely to help you prepare for and manage the party than focusing on your "idiot mind", being "self-obsessed","selfish" and "no longer an adequate person."

This is difficult stuff. I just really feel that trying to be on your own side a bit here might help to get you into a better place for tomorrow. Do what you can to comfort/soothe yourself? And do whatever makes you feel more comfortable for the party - as opposed to what you think you should do re your clothes, make up, jewellery etc. If you wear make up and jewellery etc because you feel you should, for example, you're ensuring that you're starting things off in a heightened level of discomfort. Try to make yourself as comfortable as possible - avoid things you absolutely know will make you feel uncomfortable.

 

[Casey_03]

I agree with all the other suggestions here, but wanted to add one -- don't be afraid to come right out and say you're not fond of gatherings like this. I hate parties and the only thing that ever made them easier was being open about my discomfort. I used to just say something along the lines of, "I really hate parties" in a very light-hearted, joking manner. And it helped me feel better, helped break the ice, and nobody ever judged me for it. I am guessing that many other people there will also feel uncomfortable. I think if you are honest and upfront about the fact that you are nervous, it will make you feel a bit better. I mean, you don't have to broadcast it and shout it across the room, but if someone starts talking to you and you feel uncomfortable, don't be afraid to just say, "I feel a bit out of place here." You don't have to go into details about why -- just be general and if they ask why, say you don't like parties, or you're not used to crowds, or .... whatever. You can be honest. Just try to sort of make fun of yourself for the night -- people love self-deprecating humor and it always breaks the ice.

 

[scout86]

I'll second the idea of being open about being anxious. When you're feeling with NICE people, and you should be, that seems to help.

I've never worn makeup in my life. My choice and I don't apologize for it. And no one's ever mentioned it. (My T says men don't notice makeup, only women do.) Same with jewelry. If it makes you uncomfortable, don't wear it. Something else I do, which I realize well sound nuts, is pick an article of clothing to assign special powers to. "I'm safe if I'm wearing the blue fuzzy socks I always wear to therapy so I'm wearing THEM!" Maybe the deal there is really just giving yourself permission to be who you really are.

This isn't silly or stupid. It's a real thing. It's unfortunate that you're in this situation. It's not your fault, but it's your problem to deal with. It will help, I think, if you take your own side instead of being so hard on yourself. Punishing yourself is something that's not helpful and not deserved. (Put the pants on the top of the pile? Get your daughter to iron?):hug:

 

[barefoot]

How did it go @Sandstone? I was thinking of you and sending support and positivity!