SeekingAfrica
Diamond Member
I just had a call to arrange a meeting I need to have tomorrow that I am dreading. I could have avoided it, but not for long, so I arranged it. Given that there isn't much I can change about it in 24h, I should stop thinking about it, but I am too afraid. The moment I closed the phone I started feeling shaky- like you do when your blood sugar drops. Now I'm wrapped in 2 blankets in fairly warm room and still shaking.
I know I can't change what I did or didn't do in the last weeks, I can only work to build better future ahead. But still I can feel my brain trying to detach, to slip into that kind of daydreaming state and to just slip through my day, forgetting what time it is or what needs to be done. Everything in me wants to do better. And everything in me wants to slip away. The push on both sides is strong and it creates anxiety in me. All the todos start mashing in my head, until I have absolutely no clue what is up and what is down. I can feel everything blurring, getting further from me, because I can't think about it.
But a part of me wants to think about it. A part of me wants to cherish the fact that I do have an afternoon, afternoon which I get to choose what to do with before the emotional meeting hits home. An afternoon where I can try to work on changes that can help my future. I can't do everything, but I can do something. At the same time I still feel like I'm slipping away slowly, like putting water in a bag with small holes and watching it drip away, knowing you can't really stop the process. It's exhausting, fighting with myself. Which further makes me feel like retreating within myself. I guess the best of both worlds would be if I managed to rest some and do whatever self-care I know, and clean the house and other things like that... but to also spend some time planning and working towards a better future. And maybe do some though distortion exercises....
I'm sorry for ranting...I can just...feel my mind wanting to detach from this day and I hate this feeling. Well, not entirely. Being detached from myself on a day when being present gives me too much anxiety is actually a relief. I crave that detachment, because my feelings are too strong. But I know that there is a really bad after effects when I come down from that detachment, and that is not good. But today I've already had some of that feeling, it's like I got up, I blinked and already half of the day has passed...
I know I can't change what I did or didn't do in the last weeks, I can only work to build better future ahead. But still I can feel my brain trying to detach, to slip into that kind of daydreaming state and to just slip through my day, forgetting what time it is or what needs to be done. Everything in me wants to do better. And everything in me wants to slip away. The push on both sides is strong and it creates anxiety in me. All the todos start mashing in my head, until I have absolutely no clue what is up and what is down. I can feel everything blurring, getting further from me, because I can't think about it.
But a part of me wants to think about it. A part of me wants to cherish the fact that I do have an afternoon, afternoon which I get to choose what to do with before the emotional meeting hits home. An afternoon where I can try to work on changes that can help my future. I can't do everything, but I can do something. At the same time I still feel like I'm slipping away slowly, like putting water in a bag with small holes and watching it drip away, knowing you can't really stop the process. It's exhausting, fighting with myself. Which further makes me feel like retreating within myself. I guess the best of both worlds would be if I managed to rest some and do whatever self-care I know, and clean the house and other things like that... but to also spend some time planning and working towards a better future. And maybe do some though distortion exercises....
I'm sorry for ranting...I can just...feel my mind wanting to detach from this day and I hate this feeling. Well, not entirely. Being detached from myself on a day when being present gives me too much anxiety is actually a relief. I crave that detachment, because my feelings are too strong. But I know that there is a really bad after effects when I come down from that detachment, and that is not good. But today I've already had some of that feeling, it's like I got up, I blinked and already half of the day has passed...
