Fair Weather Friends

[Philippa]

I'm interested to hear how different people feel about fair weather friends. Do you tolerate them, or eliminate them all together?

I had an interaction earlier, with someone I have shared a lot of my personal life with, and thought we were fairly close, even though I knew that he has major intimacy issues, and is very guarded himself about sharing stuff going on with him.

Today, he let me know in no uncertain terms that we are merely fair weather friends....actually calling himself one on my facebook, when I asked if he would come over and make me some soup, take care of me while I'm all fluey...as I'd asked him out so many times only to be told he was taking home made soup over to a sick friend.

I wanted to be that sick friend that he came to take care of. I haven't had anyone do that for me since I was a teenager and my mother took care of me, and for the first time in years I had enough of having to be strong and take care of myself. I wanted him to come and take over...but he wouldn't when I asked.

His excuse was that he was too lazy to get the tram, and said he is a fair weather friend and the weather was not pleasant enough to bother...which hit me like a brick and after digesting his words decided to block him and not be available for him to hit me up for chat whenever he got bored at work.

I feel a little petty for doing it, because I didn't get my way...the one and only time I've ever asked him to do this and it took a lot to even ask, as I'm not very good at asking for support or help. I didn't take it well, and have been ruminating ever since about fair weather friends. We've been getting to know each other for a couple of years now!

It's not like we were acquaintances. I've been to parties with him, met for drinks after work a number of times, he's come over at least once, and I've been to his place a couple of times for drinks. It wasn't really a booty call arrangement, as he has a very active social life, and our timing often doesn't synch, and are both wary of the friends with benefits scenario, and don't want to get attached to someone who might not be right for us in a relationship. But it seemed like he'd only hit me up to come over when he had come home from a party and did not feel like sleeping, or wanted someone to chat to during work hours to alleviate the boredom. I however, had it in my head that we were closer friends than what we apparently were.

It triggered a memory in me of when I was a teen and a girl I knew who would only call me when she'd have a fight with her best friend...to amuse her, as she put it. I felt used and didn't like the feeling of being the person someone called on in an emergency because there was no one else around, and she was bored...which is how this guy made me feel. I had plans with him a few weeks back and he decided to go visit someone else, because the guy was sick...and took him food.

He forgot to mention it to me though, that he'd changed his mind, and simply didn't call or turn up! The underlying message was that not only did he get a better offer, but he couldn't even be bothered to tell me about it. I was the one who contacted him to find out what was going on, and he just said casually that he was over at this other guys place taking care of him!

I'd wished so many time that I'd be lucky enough to be invited to his house for one of his dinner parties, as he's a great cook...but I never got an invitation. I can take rejection, but I can't take being strung along or the confusion of where I stand in a friendship. I was relieved and grateful that he actually made it clear to me today, as well as a bit pissed off.

I seem to be having this happen a fair bit lately...the underlying message being I'm not important enough or worth enough to bother extending themselves for. Maybe there is some kind of negative core belief happening here?

 

[Philippa]

I also just noticed that someone else made a thread with the very same title in this section! :D Not sure if there is anyway I can change it at this point?

 

[Mystery]

Hi Phillipa, I think a Fairweather friend is what's called an oxymoron. You know what I mean? The definition of a friend is something much more than someone who wants to just share the good times. It seems that your friendship for him was a one way street and not reciprocated back to you. Still this isn't friendship. The person is an acquaintance but not a friend. A true friend is with you for the whole journey not just the sunshine.

I have done as you, given my heart to a friendship and been their nurse when they were sick and when the boot was on the other foot, they were not there for me. It hurt too, to realize you were just utilized by them and not valued unconditionally. Sometimes when we have an overload of our own issues we just burst other people's happy bubbles and end up becoming isolated because we're not great company for fairweather friends. Not that we intend to it's just that we are being real and true to who we are.

You probably do need comfort and soothing right now, Mothering. That's what Mothers are for. Some of us don't have them, me included. Guys aren't too good at Mothering sick people, some are but on the whole, they aren't wired for it. Sometimes, especially when I'm sick with a flu or having bad pts symptoms, I just want someone to take care of me too. It's a trigger to really old stuff when I'm sick. I just try to let it pass and use my own inner strength to soothe myself. It's easier said than done and much better to have a real friend or girlfriend to give that love and care, rain, hail or shine.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I don't know what to think of the whole friendship thing. I get it wrong, and figure that I'm not good at understanding what is what. So I feel for where you're at, perhaps it would help to write a not-to-send letter about how you feel right now.

And then give yourself the nurturing that you need.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Kick his arse to the curb?

I love that Marilyn quote that says something like if you don't want to know me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best. I actually used to hate this quote, but now its one of my favorites. I rather have a few people in my life who are there through the thick and thin than a lot of friends who are only here for the good times. I only keep friends who are willing to work with me and support me when I am on a downslide. I know not everyone can tolerate the worst of the worst, but I don't tolerate those who only stick around for the fun times.

I'm not trying to be mean, but this is what this guy is telling you. He is saying that you don't matter to him one way or another. Nope, he really doesn't give a damn about you. You are there to fill his time when he has nothing better to do. Again, I am not saying this to be harsh on you, rather I am slamming his character. What kind of jerk does this? Labeling himself as a "fairweather friend"?!?!

GET RID OF HIM! Why do I say this? Because we are only given so much time in this life. While you are wasting your time on this jerk, some of the most awesome people could be passing right under your nose, but you'll never know it because you are otherwise preoccupied with someone who isn't worth your time.

 

[The Albatross]

I have tried to write something three times and nothing sounds right. But if he has intimacy issues, I'd say they're pretty evident at this point. Either he's not that into you, or he's been deceptive about the homemade soup thing for ill friends, or he just didn't want to do it for you. No matter really... why do you want to get close to unavailable people? I would say not having been invited to one of his dinner parties is a big clue that intimacy issues or not, he considers you "second string" to his social circle. That sucks, and I'm not saying it to be hurtful... your sort of danced around it yourself. I'm saying it because after the amount of socializing you've had with this guy, even if he didn't want to tend to you or bring you soup if you are ill... he'd have invited you to one of his own parties or at least "remember" to notify you of altered plans.

You don't have to be anybody's second string entertainment or social amusement for the evening.

Edited to add this probably didn't come out right either, but I tried, I really did. I think you did the right thing by blocking the guy and hope you got the moxie to hold the line if your paths cross and he get's bored again.

 

[Philippa]

@Mystery, Thankyou for relating. I am in real need of Mothering right now, and doing the best I can on my own. Men aren't the best at it, but then why would he go around talking about how he's always bringing soup for friends or taking care of them in hospital? Is he a sociopath or something? He demonstrated that he was thinking of me at times and has the capacity to step back and admit that he is selfish and not what I need, from other interactions I've had with him, but then is like this? I'm glad I blocked him, he's waaaaay too confusing to bother with.

@Meadowsweet, that sounds like a good idea, and self nurturing is what I am doing...just really really need someone to take over, just for a day!

@Solara, thanks for your reply...and yes, he is already kicked to the curb. It was so strange because he had been supportive in words and shown what seemed like genuine empathy at times. I was really impressed at how empathic he was for a guy, and he even told me last week he did not want to come over because he was in a really frisky mood and he knew it wasn't what I needed, and said I just needed a friend to hug me, so he seemed to be thinking of me...then this? But I agree, I don't have time for people like that.

@The Albatross, Why do I want to get close to unavailable men? Great question.

I think the answer has to do with my father being so unavailable. Maybe this is what I seek to try and see if he will be there for my needs this time...but reality is quite clear.

I think you're right about lying about the soup thing. Who is constantly running around making soup for all their friends? Literally every time I called he'd say he had to look after a sick friend! Trying to make himself into this really caring friend, so I'd crave the same treatment? I wasn't totally sure he was for real but it definitely made me wish I had a friend like that. What a creep!

I do feel really poorly treated. Who doesn't even let a person know when they change their mind about plans they were excited about 12 hours earlier? Yeah, I won't be going back to that. Can't believe I did not piece it all together until now?

Thanks for your probing Alba. I guess the father figure thing is in full swing here? And yes, it dawned on me the other day that I am not someone he considers good enough to be in his circle of friends, even after 2 years of us knowing each other and having many honest conversations where I felt close to him afterwards, and we were more than acquaintances. It did sting to be considered that way.

 

[RussH]

I think in this case the meaning of fair weather friend is, he is a friend when he needs something from you, but not the other way around. I think dropping him as a friend would be in your best interest.

There are just too many quaility people out there who could serve as good friends to waste time on someone who is not.

 

[Philippa]

I agree. I've blocked him on my phone and fb. He can work out why in his own time, I'm not even going to bother explaining.

 

[billie]

Sorry that happened to you. Yes Fairweather freinds; they suck the life out of us if we let them. (((Hugs))) if you accept.

 

[Philippa]

Thanks Billie. I just have no time for that crap...or people like that. I spent the whole day naming all the things/ways in which I will not miss this person. He doesn't qualify to be MY friend.[DOUBLEPOST=1405087330,1405087249][/DOUBLEPOST]It has helped me to recognise that I am investing my time and energy into unavailable people, just like my father, and how ultimately frustrating and disappointing this is going to be if I keep it up. Becoming conscious of doing it is the challenging part.

 

[Philippa]

What I keep receiving from these kinds of incidences, is the clear underlying message that I don't matter! I didn't matter in my family unit, and my feelings certainly didn't matter. I wasn't as important as the male members of my family, as was made clear to me on several occasions.

How am I ever supposed to develop real self worth when I keep having this message drilled into me, even after going no contact from my family of origin for 2 years now? Any efforts I make to love myself seem to be constantly thwarted by people!

At work the asian women there love to yap on in taiwanese around me, as though I'm not even there, totally excluding me. Again, "I don't exist" seems to be the message, even though I'm sure they don't even know their behaviour is conveying such a message.

I was feeling so drained and at the end of my tether before...had to come and vent a bit before I go back to trying to sleep.