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General Faith And Ptsd
- Post starter living4jesus
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Junebug I think he does. I dont know what they are, but I think they exist. Maybe it is to help others, to never take peace for granted, to challenge our faith, or to bring hardship to those around us so that they may benefit from our pain. I dont know-but I do believe there must be a purpose.
Thank you for your insight
Thank you for your insight
I've had a hard time with faith based thinking since most of my Christian support base bailed on me. It seems like the ultimate answer was always, "God is in control." This would make me so angry. The reason being: there are so many ways we can help each other if we only take the time to learn and practice what we're learning. No one in my world seemed to be making that effort. So I summed it up believing that Christians are lazy and very selfish. I recognize that this isn't true for every Christian. But I suffer ptsd and all I want is for someone to understand and make some connection when I'm begging for help. I am re-evaluating the foundations of my own faith.
Eleanor
Diamond Member
I don't know what they meant by "God is in control" but it sure doesn't seem to me like God is any kind of a micro-manager. Bad things, really really bad things, happen to innocent people all the time. And that sucks, so whatever game God is playing, it doesn't appear to have much to do with moral worth and pleasure and pain. Which raises the question - What do we think God is up to?
ISupportHer
Diamond Member
I have found that I can apply lessons from sermons or prayers at church as I apply them to the PTSD situation at home or even here on the forum. Latest example:
The sermon a week ago was "Lessons From Geese" Written by Dr. Robert McNeish in 1972. This was presented in the context of a church "family" and faith, but I think it can be applied to relationships or even behaviors you can see here on the forum. I will paraphrase.
Geese create an updraft as they flap their wings and that helps each goose that follows in the V formation. The lesson being that as we share a common direction, we assist each other and those that follow with the thrust and support to others.
When a goose falls out of formation, it feels increased drag and resistance and it moves back into formation to take advantage of the lift from those ahead. We stay in formation with those sharing the same direction and journey. We accept their help as well as offer help when we can.
When a goose tires, it falls to the back and another assumes the point position. We are interdependent on one another. We each have unique gifts and talents as we help along the common journey. I see this as any one of us experience bad times and others come to support us through the hard times.
Geese honk in support as they fly We just need to make sure the honking is actually as encouragement, not as complaining.
When a goose becomes sick or injured, other geese drop out of formation to help it and protect it. We stand together in the good times but also the hard times. OMG, you can see this in so many areas here on the forum. be it PTSD issues, a difficult diagnosis like cancer, or a relationship issue.
The sermon a week ago was "Lessons From Geese" Written by Dr. Robert McNeish in 1972. This was presented in the context of a church "family" and faith, but I think it can be applied to relationships or even behaviors you can see here on the forum. I will paraphrase.
Geese create an updraft as they flap their wings and that helps each goose that follows in the V formation. The lesson being that as we share a common direction, we assist each other and those that follow with the thrust and support to others.
When a goose falls out of formation, it feels increased drag and resistance and it moves back into formation to take advantage of the lift from those ahead. We stay in formation with those sharing the same direction and journey. We accept their help as well as offer help when we can.
When a goose tires, it falls to the back and another assumes the point position. We are interdependent on one another. We each have unique gifts and talents as we help along the common journey. I see this as any one of us experience bad times and others come to support us through the hard times.
Geese honk in support as they fly We just need to make sure the honking is actually as encouragement, not as complaining.
When a goose becomes sick or injured, other geese drop out of formation to help it and protect it. We stand together in the good times but also the hard times. OMG, you can see this in so many areas here on the forum. be it PTSD issues, a difficult diagnosis like cancer, or a relationship issue.
There is a good book "why bad things happen to good people". It has been a long time since I read it but remember it making a lot of sense and there some really good explainations.
I have always had a hard time thinking that God is with me. I have mostly felt very deserted.
I have always had a hard time thinking that God is with me. I have mostly felt very deserted.
I think my issues in my relationship with God are purely a direct result of the trauma caused and about who caused it and mostly due to my parents - who caused so much damage. I grew up being unable to trust my parents at all, or any family, or anyone. I don't trust a single person. Not my husband, my friends or even my pastor. I don't know how to trust. I try to, but things always happen to lose that fragile trust. So, trusting an unknown entity - a being I cannot see, who isn't someone I can have conversation with, is beyond me.
I read these Bible verses and I know I am meant to suddenly be enlightened with this 'truth' that God did and does love me, he didn't just watch everything and do nothing. But I know I just don't 'get it'. And I wonder if I ever will.
I believe in God, I fully believe him to be our creator, but anything beyond that seems to be beyond me. I am scared of God. I am scared that I will go to hell. I am scared that if I don't pray and do the right thing, that I will be punished, or maybe even the pain and suffering the PTSD causes me - is my suffering - my punishment for my sins.
This is the first time I have voiced these feelings, and it feels like a little weight has been lifted, to finally say it. And to know there are others who understand and share similar feelings.
I read these Bible verses and I know I am meant to suddenly be enlightened with this 'truth' that God did and does love me, he didn't just watch everything and do nothing. But I know I just don't 'get it'. And I wonder if I ever will.
I believe in God, I fully believe him to be our creator, but anything beyond that seems to be beyond me. I am scared of God. I am scared that I will go to hell. I am scared that if I don't pray and do the right thing, that I will be punished, or maybe even the pain and suffering the PTSD causes me - is my suffering - my punishment for my sins.
This is the first time I have voiced these feelings, and it feels like a little weight has been lifted, to finally say it. And to know there are others who understand and share similar feelings.
I hope you have moments you feel better Shellbell.
I don't understand, but not sure what God wants when you can't do any more. I mean, frankly, on paper my problems and most of those of who I love would be solved if I weren't here.
I mean I know there's the issue of trusting God, but irregardless of all the trust in the world that doesn't give the energy I need. I feel like I'm dragging myself up a mountain of broken glass with bare hands. It cannot improve because over and above the ptsd the only option is my thoughts or attitude about all of it. And I'm too weary to come up with much. I don't have any reserves left and physically, emotionally, spirtually I run up an increasing deficit each day.
Although I recall they said that's when God hears (us). But, Idk, 'hears' but, I just don't know. I guess if He comes up with something it will have to be impossible and something I can't fathom. :(
I don't understand, but not sure what God wants when you can't do any more. I mean, frankly, on paper my problems and most of those of who I love would be solved if I weren't here.
I mean I know there's the issue of trusting God, but irregardless of all the trust in the world that doesn't give the energy I need. I feel like I'm dragging myself up a mountain of broken glass with bare hands. It cannot improve because over and above the ptsd the only option is my thoughts or attitude about all of it. And I'm too weary to come up with much. I don't have any reserves left and physically, emotionally, spirtually I run up an increasing deficit each day.
Although I recall they said that's when God hears (us). But, Idk, 'hears' but, I just don't know. I guess if He comes up with something it will have to be impossible and something I can't fathom. :(
Thank you Junebug, I've accepted that for now I don't understand God and I don't understand what is happening, or why.
I go to Church to the evening service as there are a lot less people, so I feel safer and not as anxious. I do still feel anxiety though every time. But it's my only way to show discipline towards God, my creator.
The last sermon was about trust in God - funnily enough. It reduced me to a shaking crying mess. My issues are all about trust and me not being able to make that leap of faith. But, I perservere in the hope that one day I will 'get it'.
I do occasionally pray - for others. I've prayed for protection for my family against the PTSD. I pray for other people, I've prayed for people on this forum. That's all I am capable of right now, and God knows my heart and I believe He is okay with that. It's all I have.
So, yes I do feel a little better, confused, but better.
I fully understand what you mean about being so weary that having any reserves left for anything is just too hard. It really does feel like an uphill battle every day and it seems to get harder.
I don't know what to say to make it better, so I'll give you a cyber hug (((Junebug))).
I go to Church to the evening service as there are a lot less people, so I feel safer and not as anxious. I do still feel anxiety though every time. But it's my only way to show discipline towards God, my creator.
The last sermon was about trust in God - funnily enough. It reduced me to a shaking crying mess. My issues are all about trust and me not being able to make that leap of faith. But, I perservere in the hope that one day I will 'get it'.
I do occasionally pray - for others. I've prayed for protection for my family against the PTSD. I pray for other people, I've prayed for people on this forum. That's all I am capable of right now, and God knows my heart and I believe He is okay with that. It's all I have.
So, yes I do feel a little better, confused, but better.
I fully understand what you mean about being so weary that having any reserves left for anything is just too hard. It really does feel like an uphill battle every day and it seems to get harder.
I don't know what to say to make it better, so I'll give you a cyber hug (((Junebug))).
I grew up in a pretty rigid religious family. My folks turned "missionary" when I was in my early teens. I didn't understand it all but when I turned 21 I went to Haiti to visit them. A two week visit ended up lasting 12 years. The first few years were kind of rocky. I was into the adventure not the evangelism. Eventually though my faith grew to the place where I felt I belonged and I poured myself out for the mission and the people we were serving. After 6 years the country went crazy. They ran the dictator out and democracy took root. The 6 years that followed were hell on earth. Brutal violence became the norm and it seemed like I was facing danger nearly every day. Most of it was due to the political chaos, people were grabbing power wherever they could. Neighbors were killing neighbors for the ownership of a pig while the army, the secret police and all the ex-government men were killing each other for position.
To make a long story short, my faith led me into some really hairy circumstances during those dangerous years. I was protecting a very powerful institution (the mission) and the people who worked in it. Close to 90% of the relief workers and missionaries in Haiti left the country at that time. I stayed, I felt that our programs, which were huge on a relief work scale, were worth even giving my life for if that's what it took to protect it and keep it working for the people.
Eventually a group formed that was intent on taking our stuff over. Some of our North American staff received death threats, myself included. One by one most of them gave up and walked away. The last couple years I held the forts mostly alone. People were constantly telling me that I should have armed guards at my house at night. The only guns I wanted around there were the ones in my house. One night someone came at 1 o'clock in the morning. He just so happened to run right smack dab into one of the grounds staff out taking a leak. I woke up to what sounded like a band of banchee indians at war.
I raced downstairs and out the door. The "visitor" had run off and our yard man just stood there shaking in the fear of what he'd just encountered. We settled that whoever it was they were gone and we called it a night. I walked into the my house and went to sit down when the adrenaline rush hit me and I passed out. I actually woke up just in time to catch myself before my face hit the floor. In that instant everything changed!
Whatever the "visitor's" intents or purposes, his visit put me over the stress limit. I changed from a faith based lionhearted warrior to a bowl of stressed out, fearful vanilla pudding in that one heartbeat.
I stayed and fought the good fight for another year or two. The country stabilized and I finally felt "released" to go (I left within 24 hours of another death threat). It took 4 or 5 years to finally get a grip on the ptsd that was ravaging my life. Then I started going back. 14 years later we had built back up to a pretty good speed when I was shot and kidnapped on the streets of Port au Prince. I'd had only minimal ptsd in the prior 10 years but the kidnapping took me for a loop. Maybe if I'd got away after being shot it wouldn't have been so bad. The 36 hours as a hostage, the intense intimidation, the thinking about dying any second, brought it all back full bloom and multiplied exponentially.
I'm alive today or I wouldn't be writing this. But part of me was killed that day. I think it was the warrior. When I got back to the States I tore off my armor and threw it aside and walked away from God. Not because I was mad at God, I wasn't. It was, in fact, an honor to serve Him in that capacity. There's more to the story than I'm getting into here. I walked away because I was afraid and I didn't want to die.
I have usually had the faith to face ANY GIANT without pause or concern. But right now I feel a little like Elijah after his big thing with the priests of baal, he took off and hid in a cave. I can understand that clearly, ptsd recorded in the Bible!
Now, almost 7 years after the kidnapping and several earth shattering traumas later, I'm trying to find that faith again. I'm looking for that place He talks about when He says, "Come to Me you who are burdened and heavy laden, and I will give you rest." I'm looking for green pastures and still waters. And what I can't believe is what a struggle it is to let myself do this. It's like the ptsd is fighting the faith, because NOTHING IS A SIMPLE AS IT WAS BEFORE MY WORLD WAS ROCKED.
Everything that I had grown up believing is now in question. Since I spent that 36 hours looking at my own potential death, NOTHING IS SIMPLE ANYMORE. The flannel graph Jesus, fire and brimstone, 3 step salvation, our best life now, none of it makes any sense to me.
The only things I believe for sure is that there is a Supreme Being and He does govern in the affairs of men. There is a battle for the hearts of men and we are all, each and everyone of us, a part of that battle. And somehow, some way, the corruption of this world will eventually be incinerated and the dimensions will again merge as one into what was meant to be from the beginning.
So I take baby steps right now. I take baby steps re-examining the foundational stones that are my faith and I re-evaluated and try to make it all a little more flexible according to my own understanding. I'm taking the rigid out and putting flex in. I don't have to understand everything and I don't have to believe everyone who say they know all the answers. I'm getting rid of the black and white, it has to be this way or that way, and bringing color to the screen. And as I do this I think my heart is healing. One day at a time. Everyday so help me God.
To make a long story short, my faith led me into some really hairy circumstances during those dangerous years. I was protecting a very powerful institution (the mission) and the people who worked in it. Close to 90% of the relief workers and missionaries in Haiti left the country at that time. I stayed, I felt that our programs, which were huge on a relief work scale, were worth even giving my life for if that's what it took to protect it and keep it working for the people.
Eventually a group formed that was intent on taking our stuff over. Some of our North American staff received death threats, myself included. One by one most of them gave up and walked away. The last couple years I held the forts mostly alone. People were constantly telling me that I should have armed guards at my house at night. The only guns I wanted around there were the ones in my house. One night someone came at 1 o'clock in the morning. He just so happened to run right smack dab into one of the grounds staff out taking a leak. I woke up to what sounded like a band of banchee indians at war.
I raced downstairs and out the door. The "visitor" had run off and our yard man just stood there shaking in the fear of what he'd just encountered. We settled that whoever it was they were gone and we called it a night. I walked into the my house and went to sit down when the adrenaline rush hit me and I passed out. I actually woke up just in time to catch myself before my face hit the floor. In that instant everything changed!
Whatever the "visitor's" intents or purposes, his visit put me over the stress limit. I changed from a faith based lionhearted warrior to a bowl of stressed out, fearful vanilla pudding in that one heartbeat.
I stayed and fought the good fight for another year or two. The country stabilized and I finally felt "released" to go (I left within 24 hours of another death threat). It took 4 or 5 years to finally get a grip on the ptsd that was ravaging my life. Then I started going back. 14 years later we had built back up to a pretty good speed when I was shot and kidnapped on the streets of Port au Prince. I'd had only minimal ptsd in the prior 10 years but the kidnapping took me for a loop. Maybe if I'd got away after being shot it wouldn't have been so bad. The 36 hours as a hostage, the intense intimidation, the thinking about dying any second, brought it all back full bloom and multiplied exponentially.
I'm alive today or I wouldn't be writing this. But part of me was killed that day. I think it was the warrior. When I got back to the States I tore off my armor and threw it aside and walked away from God. Not because I was mad at God, I wasn't. It was, in fact, an honor to serve Him in that capacity. There's more to the story than I'm getting into here. I walked away because I was afraid and I didn't want to die.
I have usually had the faith to face ANY GIANT without pause or concern. But right now I feel a little like Elijah after his big thing with the priests of baal, he took off and hid in a cave. I can understand that clearly, ptsd recorded in the Bible!
Now, almost 7 years after the kidnapping and several earth shattering traumas later, I'm trying to find that faith again. I'm looking for that place He talks about when He says, "Come to Me you who are burdened and heavy laden, and I will give you rest." I'm looking for green pastures and still waters. And what I can't believe is what a struggle it is to let myself do this. It's like the ptsd is fighting the faith, because NOTHING IS A SIMPLE AS IT WAS BEFORE MY WORLD WAS ROCKED.
Everything that I had grown up believing is now in question. Since I spent that 36 hours looking at my own potential death, NOTHING IS SIMPLE ANYMORE. The flannel graph Jesus, fire and brimstone, 3 step salvation, our best life now, none of it makes any sense to me.
The only things I believe for sure is that there is a Supreme Being and He does govern in the affairs of men. There is a battle for the hearts of men and we are all, each and everyone of us, a part of that battle. And somehow, some way, the corruption of this world will eventually be incinerated and the dimensions will again merge as one into what was meant to be from the beginning.
So I take baby steps right now. I take baby steps re-examining the foundational stones that are my faith and I re-evaluated and try to make it all a little more flexible according to my own understanding. I'm taking the rigid out and putting flex in. I don't have to understand everything and I don't have to believe everyone who say they know all the answers. I'm getting rid of the black and white, it has to be this way or that way, and bringing color to the screen. And as I do this I think my heart is healing. One day at a time. Everyday so help me God.
Shellbell, thank you for the hug, :hug: for you as well!
I think what you do (or how you pray) is considered the most generous of all, because it is for others! I hope your anxiety decreases. And I hope you feel that you can ask for help or what you need, too.
God-being-God, I guess if we could understand 'Him' then He wouldn't be God. But I think it's reconciling while that is true, so apparently does He love (everyone) beyond what we can comprehend- to trust that part. My friend who is a priest said 6 years ago "Trust; Hope; Do not be afraid; I won't abandon you". So I try to think of that, especially during crises or in danger.
Zbztster, those were some experiences, wow. I don't think you should feel badly you were afraid to die or didn't want to; in a lot of ways that's a good sign, because it means you must (also) value life. I wouldn't go so hard on yourself, I've heard it said maybe even David in the Bible had PTSD. But I am glad your heart is healing a little bit. (((Hugs)) to you also.
I think what you do (or how you pray) is considered the most generous of all, because it is for others! I hope your anxiety decreases. And I hope you feel that you can ask for help or what you need, too.
God-being-God, I guess if we could understand 'Him' then He wouldn't be God. But I think it's reconciling while that is true, so apparently does He love (everyone) beyond what we can comprehend- to trust that part. My friend who is a priest said 6 years ago "Trust; Hope; Do not be afraid; I won't abandon you". So I try to think of that, especially during crises or in danger.
Zbztster, those were some experiences, wow. I don't think you should feel badly you were afraid to die or didn't want to; in a lot of ways that's a good sign, because it means you must (also) value life. I wouldn't go so hard on yourself, I've heard it said maybe even David in the Bible had PTSD. But I am glad your heart is healing a little bit. (((Hugs)) to you also.
I'm having such a HARD time with God right now. In many ways I am grateful for God revealing what was wrong with my husband after all these years. There are so many more complicating factors...the main one is our finances are destroyed. I dont' make enough to cover the bills and he's too stressed out to work and he says he needs me around so badly he doesn't think he can hack me working a second job. He relies on pot to feel normal (it helps a TON) and so many employers won't hire anyone with pot in their urine (nevermind that he never smokes it while working...is very sharp, smart, dedicated employee).
I'm just devastated right now by my life and all the crap that has happened over the past 20 years of my life. I can't even go into it now or I'd collapse here at my desk.
I'm just tired and worn out. I'm not a "why God" questioner...I never really have. I'm now more of a "WHEN GOD...WHEN WILL THIS GET BETTER?" And I realize..it may not?
:cry:
I'm just devastated right now by my life and all the crap that has happened over the past 20 years of my life. I can't even go into it now or I'd collapse here at my desk.
I'm just tired and worn out. I'm not a "why God" questioner...I never really have. I'm now more of a "WHEN GOD...WHEN WILL THIS GET BETTER?" And I realize..it may not?
:cry:
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