Falling Apart

[cragger65]

Pres58, I can say without a doubt that what you're feeling now, this is not the real you. It's the PTSD clusterbomb mind-f**k. It's like being run over by a tank, twice. From here there are two roads. One offers no resistance at all, and leads you down even further. It's a tempting road - don't take it. The other one looks just like hell, will challenge you to the hilt every day, but every once in a while you'll notice a little something about yourself and be able to say, hey I'm getting a little better - I must be going in the right direction.

It's slow, and painful and seems to take forever, and with support and others' eyes to help you see through the dark, it's completely do-able. That's the road you want to take.

 

[Malkanthi75]

Have you told her what you said to us in your post? How willing are you to save the marriage? What are you doing to better your self? Are you getting help? If your wife is like my husband she must be exhausted she probably needs as much support as what you do. Have you perhaps asked her to access this site (then again she will be able to read what your saying)? I'm just thinking that there are a lot of carers on here that could perhaps help her. I've actually just shared this site with my husband in the hope that it's not too late for us but then it's hit choice if he access it or not.

 

[Tbam]

there is nothing wrong with taking a break, getting away and creating some seperation. perhaps solitude will help. I would just hope that you don't burn the bridge with your children. Let them know that you love them but need a break to pull it together. Let the kids know your new address. Have you tried writing down how you feel instead of verbalizing it? It might be easier to express yourself with a paper and pencil as opposed to using words. Leaving the kids in a manner that makes them feel as though you truly don't love them could create their own PTSD problems. Try and ask yourself if you would want your own son or daughter to go through, later in life, what you are going through. Of course you would not. Let them write you a letter every week. Someday, if you are better, you will want them to be part of your life again.

 

[Pres58]

My greatest fear is the harm that I am causing my girls now. My youngest who is 10 keeps asking when is Daddy going to be Daddy again. I love them more than life and would never want to do anything to hurt them. I'm afraid if I don't do something soon, the damage will have already been done. I cannot verbalize what I am going through with anyone. I am afraid the rush of emotions may be too much. In fact I know they will. I've tried writing them down but I don't get anywhere but angry, I start crying, and I pull back even more. I made the call once and that took everything I had. I don't know if I have the courage to make the call right now. I KNOW I need help...but the solitude idea really seems to be my best option until I can somehow pull my head out of my butt.....Again, thanks to all for taking the time to care....