ConfusedHeart
New Here
Hi, This is my first post to the PTSD Forum, and my first post ever to any forum, so I hope I have posted in the right place. I apologize in advance because I know that all of you are dealing with your sufferers in person - as spouses or significant others.
My sufferer now lives far from me. I don't know what to call him - my "guy friend" - my friend. We knew each other before Iraq but didn't date - were just friends.
Two months ago, we had a text conversation and I began to talk about Iraq. He had begun to express feelings for me that were more than platonic when he was deployed. I thought it might just be the desert loneliness, but we talked about it and we became closer. Sadly, he came home from Iraq and went to online dating sites - and that was that. But it had hurt me a lot. And he wouldn't talk about it. He vanished for a few months and then resurfaced when he was settled and began texting. Only texting, a few calls. Any opportunities to meet up - coming to visit - were squashed. I had my own set of issues from a bad previous relationship that involved my ex cheating and it took a lot for me to consider opening my heart to him, but I did. And so that Iraq homecoming really affected me badly - but I chose to get over it and be grateful I had my friend home safe. Also accept that texting was his thing and not push. Though it became frustrating at times.
Recently - a couple of months ago, I had brought up Iraq in a conversation - and brought up what happened between us then. I told him how much that hurt me and I didn't understand why he did that. I began talking about things he had told me while deployed - loving things. He stopped me and said he doesn't talk about Iraq and that for the last several months he's been in a PTSD treatment program.
I felt immediately surprised by his revelation and so remorseful. Had I triggered him by talking about Iraq? I had let my emotions get the best of me and hit him out of the blue with an old wound - when Iraq is still a fresh wound for him. He left the conversation and I didn't hear from him for a week. I apologized profusely on text. I called and left voicemail messages, some tearful, asking for his forgiveness. I emailed apologies. But nothing. I would ask if we were going to be okay - if he still wanted to be friends. He wouldn't answer except to say once or twice during those weeks that my behavior was totally unacceptable. I kept apologizing and told how much his friendship meant to me - to no avail. He finally responded "Be well " and that I should find another punching bag. He became ruder and mocking; I was floored. I felt horrible. I wouldn't hurt him for the world.
At that point, he had answered me I felt in terms of not wanting to be friends and I also felt like I was upsetting him more by continuing to try to get him to talk to me. I texted him a week later - three sentences - wishing him well. Because I had begun to fear his rude responses and also thought he may not respond, I blocked his texts. I knew he wouldn't be notified; he would just think it went through. It was very hard. And remains so. I unblocked two weeks later, though it's too late I fear to hear from him. So there's been no contact between us for 3 weeks and every day hurts.
It hurts that I wasn't worth having one conversation with. I think he knows my heart well enough to know I'd never intentionally hurt him. I regret bringing up that old would, and I worry I made him feel bad - like a not above board person. I feel terrible. Mad at myself. Sad. And yet confused. We have been friends for almost 4 years and it's over? And it's going to be over badly? I feel terrible for possibly upsetting his PTSD. When he came home from Iraq and chose online people over me, I developed anxiety. (I think a response to my own fear of abandonment) And after this recent situation, the panic attacks have begun - they wake me up in the morning. He is so dear to me and it's like losing a member of my family.
I want to give him the peace he needs - especially after having upset him. Yet I'm truly broken hearted. A piece of me is missing. He has never been the same person he was after he came home. But I don't know if this is PTSD - or just him. I feel there's nothing I can do without bothering him, but I struggle with the idea that our friendship has just been thrown away. He had just told me a week or two before how kind and caring I was - and so to get texts tearing me down was very hard.
I feel like we've had a friendship "breakup" My friends say move on and that true friends work things out. But they don't know him as I do - and don't want to understand PTSD and believe it's an excuse I'm making for him. I thought I would ask for insight here. Because I don't fully understand PTSD - I've learned a lot here reading through posts - but I just don't know what to think. If I triggered him or upset him - or he now associates me with Iraq pain - I don't know - could this friendship ever be restored? :( I don't even know what to ask; I guess I'm just here to try to find some understanding. I apologize for my long post and thank anyone who read through it.
My sufferer now lives far from me. I don't know what to call him - my "guy friend" - my friend. We knew each other before Iraq but didn't date - were just friends.
Two months ago, we had a text conversation and I began to talk about Iraq. He had begun to express feelings for me that were more than platonic when he was deployed. I thought it might just be the desert loneliness, but we talked about it and we became closer. Sadly, he came home from Iraq and went to online dating sites - and that was that. But it had hurt me a lot. And he wouldn't talk about it. He vanished for a few months and then resurfaced when he was settled and began texting. Only texting, a few calls. Any opportunities to meet up - coming to visit - were squashed. I had my own set of issues from a bad previous relationship that involved my ex cheating and it took a lot for me to consider opening my heart to him, but I did. And so that Iraq homecoming really affected me badly - but I chose to get over it and be grateful I had my friend home safe. Also accept that texting was his thing and not push. Though it became frustrating at times.
Recently - a couple of months ago, I had brought up Iraq in a conversation - and brought up what happened between us then. I told him how much that hurt me and I didn't understand why he did that. I began talking about things he had told me while deployed - loving things. He stopped me and said he doesn't talk about Iraq and that for the last several months he's been in a PTSD treatment program.
I felt immediately surprised by his revelation and so remorseful. Had I triggered him by talking about Iraq? I had let my emotions get the best of me and hit him out of the blue with an old wound - when Iraq is still a fresh wound for him. He left the conversation and I didn't hear from him for a week. I apologized profusely on text. I called and left voicemail messages, some tearful, asking for his forgiveness. I emailed apologies. But nothing. I would ask if we were going to be okay - if he still wanted to be friends. He wouldn't answer except to say once or twice during those weeks that my behavior was totally unacceptable. I kept apologizing and told how much his friendship meant to me - to no avail. He finally responded "Be well " and that I should find another punching bag. He became ruder and mocking; I was floored. I felt horrible. I wouldn't hurt him for the world.
At that point, he had answered me I felt in terms of not wanting to be friends and I also felt like I was upsetting him more by continuing to try to get him to talk to me. I texted him a week later - three sentences - wishing him well. Because I had begun to fear his rude responses and also thought he may not respond, I blocked his texts. I knew he wouldn't be notified; he would just think it went through. It was very hard. And remains so. I unblocked two weeks later, though it's too late I fear to hear from him. So there's been no contact between us for 3 weeks and every day hurts.
It hurts that I wasn't worth having one conversation with. I think he knows my heart well enough to know I'd never intentionally hurt him. I regret bringing up that old would, and I worry I made him feel bad - like a not above board person. I feel terrible. Mad at myself. Sad. And yet confused. We have been friends for almost 4 years and it's over? And it's going to be over badly? I feel terrible for possibly upsetting his PTSD. When he came home from Iraq and chose online people over me, I developed anxiety. (I think a response to my own fear of abandonment) And after this recent situation, the panic attacks have begun - they wake me up in the morning. He is so dear to me and it's like losing a member of my family.
I want to give him the peace he needs - especially after having upset him. Yet I'm truly broken hearted. A piece of me is missing. He has never been the same person he was after he came home. But I don't know if this is PTSD - or just him. I feel there's nothing I can do without bothering him, but I struggle with the idea that our friendship has just been thrown away. He had just told me a week or two before how kind and caring I was - and so to get texts tearing me down was very hard.
I feel like we've had a friendship "breakup" My friends say move on and that true friends work things out. But they don't know him as I do - and don't want to understand PTSD and believe it's an excuse I'm making for him. I thought I would ask for insight here. Because I don't fully understand PTSD - I've learned a lot here reading through posts - but I just don't know what to think. If I triggered him or upset him - or he now associates me with Iraq pain - I don't know - could this friendship ever be restored? :( I don't even know what to ask; I guess I'm just here to try to find some understanding. I apologize for my long post and thank anyone who read through it.
