Family drama vs friendships

[grit]

When my father passed away last year, I did not go where my mother and most of siblings live because I made a strategic decision not to be around my mother that time. I was also in a very intense therapy for the first time and was basically raw and thought for everybody’s safety, I would not go and let the chips fall where they may. Well as you can imagine some siblings took this personally or maybe wanted not to think a person can say no to THE mother, so I was casted as the btych in the family. I moved on. I grieved in my own and my own way and I had all my friends visit me and did my own funeral. BTW, my dad did not die there. He died in aboard and his body was never brought back.

Now, a good friend’s sister who also as a good friend to me for 27 yrs. died last week in the same area where most of my family live. I want to go the funeral, but I can see the optics in my siblings’ eyes. Ooh you did not come for dad’s funeral, but you are coming for your friend’s sister…. And I sort of feel conflicted but not sure why?



Does anyone have a way of framing this, so I do not feel like I am darth vader in a clown clothes.



Thank you for trying to dissect this issue so I can make a peaceful decision.

 

[blackemerald1]

Hey @grit - I'm sorry for your bereavement. :hug:

When your father's funeral was being held - you were unwell, dealing with a lot of things that had to do with your own mental health. Never underestimate the importance of this. It wasn't simply an excuse - you were unwell yourself. You elected to not put your health at further risk. That is fair enough.

A lot of people think that mental health can be put on hold whenever something they deem more important pops up... but no! I'm sure if you felt you were able - you would have gone to your father's funeral.

You are now in a different position and you are no longer so unwell. So of course, if you want to go and honour your friends life and attend the funeral - go and be not guilty about it!

I get the optics you are forecasting from siblings... Take some flowers to your fathers grave while you are in the district and take some to your mother as well if you feel like it....

That may or may not appease the judgers... But, then again judgers are habitual.

I have not attended some rather major funerals to do with family & colleagues in recent years and copped a shellacking for not attending.

They (all) do seem to be getting the idea, rather slowly, that I am not so predictable as they would like and I will make up my own mind if and when I will attend anything, including funerals. I hope you can do the same. :hug:

 

[Abstract]

I think you explain your reasons both times very well. There is nothing in them that I judge or feel makes you a bad person. Just human and suffering. I hope you do what feels right for you.

 

[grit]

@blackemerald1 and @Abstract

Wow!

Sometimes true love just really does come through the screen and online!

Thank you so much from the bottom of my heart for your feedback and insight. You both truly put words into my feelings that I could not reach. Yes I was unwell and scared and raw last year and could not handle around my mother and her re-enforcers (my sisters) and yes I am human and should do what I feel is my ability as I see it fit. Yes so true!



Thank you so much and hope the love you given to me without even knowing me comes back to you in 10fold.