Family sucks

[FauxLiz]

In the US it is Father's Day tomorrow and I knew it meant the obligatory call to my dad which is like calling and talking to someone you have never met and know nothing about. So I thought I would make the call tonight. Well it went just like I figured but a whole lot worse. My niece turned 16 a few weeks ago and the sweet 16 party is tonight which my brother and SIL invited everyone too and they live in the town where I grew up same as my dad but what I got left out of was the conversation with my three sisters (all of which elsewhere the closest one a five hour drive away) that they were all going to go home for the birthday party and surprise my dad for Father's Day.

I wouldn't have made the trip, wouldn't be able to afford it, worst time of the year as our business fiscal year is June 30 but it was never even an option. I can hear all the conversations in my head where they explain that they know I wouldn't be able to come and how they didn't want me to feel bad so they didn't mention it to me. But really it was just like usual I am not included in family conversations and then they wonder why I feel excluded, why I don't feel like part of the family and why everything I feel. Any way vent over, I hate "Hallmark Holidays" and the guilt and isolation that they can cause if you don't have the perfect traditional white christian heterosexual family.

 

[ChildofGod]

I am sorry that you do not receive the love and support, something that should be given freely, but often is not. I decided to cut off anyone I practically begged for love and support. Well no more, not for me. I am sorry you experience that, it's very painful and can hurt to your core, wondering why you are never good enough for them. Practically possibly giving yourself a complex on why you are never good/ educated/wealthy/fill in the blank here.

That's an unecessary ideal and expectation for me.
Sometimes families are very selfish and should be left alone. Happily blocked out.

 

[HealingInProcess]

I am sorry that you do not receive the love and support, something that should be given freely, but often is not. I decided to cut off anyone I practically begged for love and support. Well no more, not for me. I am sorry you experience that, it's very painful and can hurt to your core, wondering why you are never good enough for them. Practically possibly giving yourself a complex on why you are never good/ educated/wealthy/fill in the blank here.

That's an unecessary ideal and expectation for me.
Sometimes families are very selfish and should be left alone. Happily blocked out.

I don't communicate with my family. I cut them off and I believe I'm better for it.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Hell, I could of wrote this! I have the most disfunctional family that my therapist has ever seen or heard about. And being he's a trauma therapist, that's saying a lot. My dad went to one of my therapy appointments, once. Basically to get confrimation for himself that I'm nuts. And my therapist still says today that he had never seen someone in such deep denial. And it sucks as my dad refuses to believe any of my past happened. Any of it. Actually told me that because my mom "accepted god" right before she died, she automaticlly isn't a predator anymore and has been "forgiven". Really? Not how religon works dear old dad. Not how any of it works!

I hate father's day and all holidays to be honest. All it is, is spend loads of money, dig yourself into deep debt, make everyone else feel guilty, exclude people. Its just ways to make people feel bad about themselves. There is a reason that a lot of suicides happen on Christmas.

I say all of that to say you are so not alone!

 

[FauxLiz]

Thanks @lostforgottensoul and @HealingInProcess I appreciate the support. I would have cut my family off but my kids are close to them and if push came to shove I think they would choose my family over me their mother. I could be wrong but it isn't something I am willing to risk.

 

[PandaPower]

Hey FauxLiz,
I’m sorry. No one quite has the potential to cause hurt like families, and like you said, in certain situations they can’t be avoided. And holidays make it worse because they reinforce that we should have had these bonds but we don’t. Are there other sources of support - people that make you happy and accept you- near you who you can seek out during such times?

 

[ChildofGod]

I cut my family off as well. It feels great. It feels freeing. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Lol

 

[HealingInProcess]

I cut my family off as well. It feels great. It feels freeing. I guess I shouldn't be surprised. Lol

New families can be made.

 

[FauxLiz]

@HealingInProcess I know that and I have limited contact with my family of origin but I am not at a point where I am willing to give up contact with my kids and if I were to go no contact with my FOO I will lose them and nothing can replace them in my life.

 

[frogthroat]

Don't take this the wrong way but when I read the title of this thread I had to chuckle because I thought to myself "Wowee, they sure do."
I'm sorry you're feeling so down. I just texted my dad in father's day. We get together every 6 months to a year have an obligatory breakfast and all he asks is when I'm going to have kids. I'm not afraid to tell him "never" anymore.
When you're an adult that came from a dysfunctional home family is kind of like having a phantom limb. It's not there but it still hurts.
I still have things to do with my family sometimes but Idc if they like what I'm doing or if they don't include me. I certainly don't feel like I owe anyone an explanation for anything I do. If I go to function and I want to go home I go. I used to feel guilty about that shit but I don't anymore.

 

[J.D Wolf]

I consider family and relatives to be two separate entries, possibly two sides of the same coin. Family cares and truly wants nothings less than the best for you, unconditionally. Relatives on the other hand, not necessarily, but usually they want nothing less than the worst for you, unconditionally. So family has your best interest at heart unconditionally and relatives has your worst interest at heart unconditionally. Family is what you make it through and we need family and family needs us. We just gotta find/make that family. Sorry if my phrasing comes off blah. Im fighting another PTSD day.

 

[FauxLiz]

@J.D Smiles you didn't come off as blah, I get what you are saying it is just a real struggle for me especially as I get older.