Farting Cats And.. Anxiety

[desiderata310]

I have an old cat. He's 12 yrs old and pretty much ignores everyone including me. He usually sleeps downstairs preferring to fart on the sofa in peace than deal with me and my thrashing- unless I am in a really bad place.

My cat is in my room tonight sleeping close by.

Over the years the cat has made a habit of staying with me when I am in a bad spot. Usually when I am sick, I can be certain there will be a fur ball sleeping behind my knees, farting and snoring.

This weekend has been rough. been trying to sort some things out about the past. I have been having ugly intrusive thoughts and flashes that have left me grasping for reality. Today I got a call from my mother. Just her calling is enough to set me over the top. She was in her own way an abuser. Didn't want me, made that clear, etc. Now I am her only relative that she thinks she can call upon to help her. She called today to say she wants to move in with me but she wants things on her terms. I'm "mean" and "angry" and she has "never known me any other way" (There might be a reason for that.) I suggested different options(her house is uninhabitable and she is without means)find an affordable apartment in town, find a town she would like to live in, Come live closer to me and live in an apartment complex half an hour from me that she could afford. None of that made her happy. What could be done about the house? I gave her those options. She didn't like any of those. I finally told her to think carefully about what she wanted and call me later with her decision. My kids had watched me and chided me for 1. being angry with her on the phone 2. letting her go on and on.

I was so anxious, angry, frustrated, scared (I've been suicidal all weekend because of the flashes) that when she started calling later it set me off. I was bawling. threw the phone across the room and jumped every time it started to ring or make any sort of noise (even text) She called a total of three times. I refused to answer.

I know I am not doing well still. The phone is off. I feel like if I hear it ring again I may go through the roof and kill myself. I just can't get calmed down. I know I'm bad. There's a farting cat sleeping at my feet tonight. At least he cares about me.

 

[violetclouds]

I don't have any words of wisdom for you - wish I did - but I definitely understand 'mother' problems - I have those as well. I just wanted to let you know someone read your post and heard you tonight - love on that cat and find peace.

 

[Barberian]

I suggest you stand your ground. You have children to think of. Do you want your abuser to have daily unhindered access to your children? Just because someone calls you, doesn't mean you don't HAVE to answer. You can probably block the number as well.

As for your cat... Have you tried changing his food? Maybe using "special food" from the expensive selection or from the veterinarian or using additives to reduce his gas issues? It may take a while, and many different foods (buy the smallest bag) before you find one that works.

 

[mamachick]

YOU ARE NOT BAD! Please remind yourself of this and say it to yourself over and over. I am sorry that I don't have any wonderful answers but I also want you to know that I hear you and have been in a similar place with a relative, and rescuing them at the cost to yourself is not the answer. If it doesn't feel good for you, it won't be a gift to her either. It does not make you bad or selfish.

Your issues have to come first. If you are considering harming yourself, please call the suicide hotline, even if you are not, it can be helpful to have a compassionate ear to hear you and talk about what is going on right now.

If your mother had been the best, and gotten mother of the year award, you would still need to take care of yourself first. The fact that she abandoned you and abusive in any way is not what you need when your dealing with your own serious issues. The fact that her calls set you over the top is a clear indicator that her living with you could be hazardous to your health. I think you did very well with making the suggestions of other options that you did. They sounded very reasonable and it sounds like you need to stand your ground on this on.

You could chose a statement that fits your situation and repeat it over and over to yourself and then to her, such as "living with me is not an option" or " I would not find that living arrangement suitable for either of us"-then just repeat like a broken record without emotion. You cannot be forced into this unless you allow it. You cannot be forced to debate or argue with her unless you allow it. It is your choice to answer the phone-or not, without guilt or making judgements about yourself.

In 2010, my sisters husband (who did everything for her) died in his sleep of a massive heart attack. I had just gone through some trauma 2 months before and surgery 2 weeks before. She cried she could not live there by herself and wanted to come 500 miles to live with me. I went and stayed with her for a week and helped her with business/financial stuff. During that time, I hoped to comfort her and help her not to make impulsive decisions.I thought the move was impulsive but telling her NO felt like I was turning my back on her. She is very negative and goes into rages. Her husband was very tolerant. My being single and in a big house with two dogs, I being a caretaker, I allowed it. She also has two little mean dogs and says she cant do steps. (I have many). I made it clear that her dogs could not run my house-I gate my 2 dogs when Im not home and at other times. I had been trying to get my house in condition to sell(new carpets, etc). I was too weak from a recent trauma. (I had a serious fall in 2006 with medical consequences, was falsly arrested and battered by the officer leaving me with lasting further medical problems in 2008 which is when ptsd hit and I became suicidal. Still trying to pull life together, my ex boyfriend forced me to go on a trip with him after he lost his very good job and while there, assaulted me and was arrested. Surgery the next month, and my sister moving in the following month. I love my sister and wanted to comfort her, but I was emotionally and physically depleted. She came, I tried to be compassionate. After raising 3 daughters on my own and launching them off to college-I couldnt catch my breath between negative events (events that I allowed to happen). I had a stable financial situation because of the 2006 accident-but far from rich. I was finally free from caring for others and needed to nurture myself back to health.

My sister moved in with me against my common sense. She was grieving and I was avoidant. My cup runeth over. She raged and I found myself leaving my own home to get away from it. I was escaping and she felt rejected. I had compassion, but I could not give her what she needed, I could not replace her husband in caring for her. She wanted to do meal planning together. I did not care about food at all, and after 34 years of mean planning for a family, I was content with carry out. Her little dogs wanted to eat my big dogs and we kept them apart. She deserved to grieve the loss of her husband. I took her to a grief group but she didnt live it and refused to go back. Even though the grief group was for death of a loved one, I related and realized that I had never grieved the losses of my health, my career, reputation, etc. I overlooked that I deserved to process my truamas and was incapable of providing her what she needed. After 3 months she left angry, calling me a bitch and returning to her home 500 miles away. After a couple phone conversations where she was bitter toward me, we did not speak for 4 years. Many mean things were said on both of our parts in the end.

We began communicating again only one week ago. I love her dearly, but we are very different and I need to find the person that I have lost-Me. This entire thing only postponed and complicated my recovery process. You are much wiser than I was. If the thought feels uncomfortable, it will be.

I think most of us with ptsd have issues with healthy boundaries. You may have become angry and threw the phone and didnt answer following calls. The is for self preservation. The anger is a sign that your boundaries are being challenged. We all have the right to self preservation, even if it means not talking to a family member. I know that the reasons that we need the boundaries with family are unique to each of us and the reason us unimportant. I lost 4 years with my sister because I could not operate using my intellegence, and my emotions made the decision to allow her to move in.

I know very little about your situation,si U ciyks ve titakkt wribg abiyt wgt us giubd ibk but you need to put your needs and desires first. A farting cat can be a blessing as is mu 2 loyal dogs. I have an old dog that fart

Wishjg you well

 

[StarChild]

si U ciyks ve titakkt wribg abiyt wgt us giubd ibk

Hi @brat17, I'm confused... Can you please help me understand what this means? Thank you in advance.

 

[Upside Down Eagle]

I gave her those options. She didn't like any of those

Who is she to demand living with you on her terms?? It's your house. It's your life.
You already tried, she didn't want any of it. You don't owe her anything. You're not responsible for her, specially not if she's going to walk over you. She's a grown woman.

I really get that you didn't answer. I wouldn't have answered either. I'd be fuming and throwing that thing through the room too.
To me it sounds like a chance to empower yourself and draw some lines. You are in charge of your house, you are in charge of your life, it's okay for you to be in charge!! :) it really is, I hope you will grant yourself the power you already have.

Cat sounds awesome. I love those creatures.

Big hug if wanted.

:hug:

 

[desiderata310]

I don't know.
She's always been domineering and since my father died she has played the helpless card so many times I can no longer count. She says I stay mad at her. I guess I do. The only time she calls is to say "I have a problem" or rather "we have a problem" I want to ask her if she has a mouse in her pocket. She's painted herself into a corner and now wants me to step in and make it all better but I can't and she only wants to move in if she can act like a crazy person, bring her f*cking dog (and I LOVE dogs) and the evil bird she has, and live on HER terms. She has the gall to talk about my money problems when I have sent her money and saved her ass more times than I'd like to count- I told her I don't have 5 grand to give her for the deductible on the house. I mean, who does? I just sent my kid off to college this week. I am broke! But she has the audacity to look down on me?

She didn't want me but now I am the only relative that will have anything to do with her?

The cat has something called Mega bowel so he is on a special diet. He's the furry equivalent of a grumpy old man but he takes care of me when I need it. Of course, he's not much good for grounding since usually he senses my anxiety and steers clear. If it's anxiety mixed with despair.. well... he's good for his version of a cuddle.

 

[mamachick]

I apologize for my complete sentence of type. I was really tired and did not notice that likely one of my dogs hijacked my keyboard while I was writing. I honestly don't know how without my noticing.

desiderata310-you don't have to do anything that you don't want to do. You have every right to your life as you want it to be.

 

[anthony]

Farting cat... crack up.

 

[KwanYingirl]

We took in my in laws when my MIL wouldn't drive her long suffering salt of the earth husband to dialysis. Huge mistake. She took over my whole house leaving us with one tiny bathroom and a family room. My kids were teens at the time. She had two insane cats. She made them that way and they infested my house with fleas. She wouldn't let me put Frontline on them, but I put it on them one day when she was out. She used to rifle through my kids' rooms and was unapologetic. I can't f***ing believe I had to put locks on their doors to protect their privacy. She was so evil I finally banned her from speaking to my children and after my FIL passed away I kicked her out. She just got meaner and meaner and lived to be 96. She alienated everyone in her path. It wasn't as much that she drove me bat ass crazy but abusing my children tipped the scale.your mom can go to elderly housing that is subsidized according to her income. You have too many intrusive thoughts you have to put up a fortress and stick to it. We got no respite from my exes siblings either. Listen to your gut. Just thinking of you having to put up with her on a daily basis makes my skin crawl. Sorry to be bashing your mom, I really am, but I lived the nightmare and really, there are other options for her.

 

[desiderata310]

Thanks folks.

Why do I want to help? I made a promise. I promised my dad I would take care of her right before he died. At the time, my brother was still alive. We spelled each other dealing with her. That made it easier.
I don't make promises lightly and I don't tend to break them.
My therapist got it. Started suggesting that I look for ways to help her that don't involve her living with me.
I was upset because my kids said that I was being disrespectful. This really upset me but my therapist asked
"well... do you respect her?"
no.
" I honestly haven't heard you tell me anything about her that was worthy of respect or that was very motherly"
At this point I was bawling.
I honestly do feel like a failure as a daughter. I never have made anyone in my family happy. No one liked my life choices. Dad wanted a boy and mom wanted a doll to dress up. I became some sort of strange amalgamation of tom boy and eschewed anything that smacked of femininity. There's a lot more to that story but to keep me from really delving into bad memories we'll leave it there...

He also pointed out that even if she were the sweetest person and we had a great relationship, I have trauma brain and that is effecting all my relationships right now. It's just not healthy for me. He pointed to a conversation that we had a couple of weeks prior where we talked about me getting one of the Tiny Houses and said that just TALKING about living in a small space that I didn't share with anyone made my whole demeanor change. As he said that he laughed and said that same look came over my face just mentioning it. It's true. All my life, I've been something of a recluse. My home needs to be a safe place. If she came in with her neurotic bird and dog and started her helpless roll and taking over my space, bad things would happen.

I pointed out that one of us would probably have to die. He said he was actually more worried about me killing myself than winding up in prison saying (JOKINGLY) that prison would be a bit of a vacation for me: I could hide. He's right.

One of the most attractive things that I've read about in a while is a group of monks who live in a national park not far from here: they allow people to rent rooms at the monastery. There is no talking allowed. That sounds like just heaven.

So now, I have to come up with options and keep her at a distance and simply help her that way. Trauma brain doesn't allow me to do more than that.

And don't ask me how I feel about it. If I think about that too much I will begin beating myself up.

 

[TXbandit]

Don't feel like a failure because you aren't one. You also don't have to make anyone happy but YOU with what you do in life. Make decisions based on what would best fit you in your situation. Don't cave because someone said you don't respect her. Maybe you don't right now and that's honestly how you feel. Don't feel bad about it. It sounds like you have every right not to. You can respect her one day with getting yourself better and eventually when you are ready, build the relationship with her using boundaries as someone else stated. Don't beat yourself up on this. Talk to the farting cat if you have to. It might help.