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Other Fast Grounding Method
- Post starter Tinyflame
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Hi @Hedge . I think it's amazing your ability to persevere with overwriting (and remembering- it was a true beautiful memory!) that negative visual/ reality.
Am not sure if you find it applies but do FB's teach you something? Such as how you felt then, or some smaller detail? I know I can't remember what I learn unless I write it down within about 10, max 20, minutes. Except that I remember I did (just not 'what') in most cases. I remember once thinking, "How about that. That's what I felt now so I guess I felt it then (whatever 'it' was). Which must have affected how I responded and decisions I made, even months/ years later".
I do think the room checking is directly related. Like subconsciously assuring yourself there is no loved one there in the same position. That's what I meant by the negative- not so much say self-sabotaging for a job etc, , but rather the feeling when for example you can't look at something so you cover your eyes with your fingers and peek slowly (well I do lol). The knowledge but not expectation of x, y or z, because you've lived through x, y +/or z. But not really consciously until you realize it's "not" happened/ happening right now.
PS Thank you for sharing such a personal account. You are very kind.
Am not sure if you find it applies but do FB's teach you something? Such as how you felt then, or some smaller detail? I know I can't remember what I learn unless I write it down within about 10, max 20, minutes. Except that I remember I did (just not 'what') in most cases. I remember once thinking, "How about that. That's what I felt now so I guess I felt it then (whatever 'it' was). Which must have affected how I responded and decisions I made, even months/ years later".
I do think the room checking is directly related. Like subconsciously assuring yourself there is no loved one there in the same position. That's what I meant by the negative- not so much say self-sabotaging for a job etc, , but rather the feeling when for example you can't look at something so you cover your eyes with your fingers and peek slowly (well I do lol). The knowledge but not expectation of x, y or z, because you've lived through x, y +/or z. But not really consciously until you realize it's "not" happened/ happening right now.
PS Thank you for sharing such a personal account. You are very kind.
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Dear Tinyflame, what an exceptionally good question - Do FBs teach something? Ultimately I think they do, but what? That is the question. It depends on what one means by FBs. Are FBs positive, negative, neutral or a combination of all three?. For me, they can keep me stuck in a time frame and they just bring about all the PTSD issues from that moment in time.
As my therapist explained to me, if - on that traumatic night - a car passed by with music blaring or it backfired, my mind most likely never registered it as it was too focused on what was occurring at that time - it would have overridden my other senses of Sight, Sound, Taste. Smell and Touch. Now I could be walking up the street and a car passes by playing the song or music that my mind registered on that traumatic night but of which I cannot recall myself. And so, when my ears hear the music or song, my mind remembers the traumatic event and thus the FB occurs. Other events would be occurring in relation to the other senses and of which I have no conscious remembrance of. For myself, I feel that the FBs teach my body to react with fear (for the body keeps the score). However, by grounding using the substitute method of either imagery rescripting or finding a new narrative, I believe that I can get over the negative for when I think of the better alternative / visualize the better image, then I am back in that moment in time in London or on the shores of Loch Ness (for the body keeps the score) and I believe that score can be either negative, positive or neutral. Of course, these insights are simply conjecture on my part and I have no evidence to support this theory other than discussions with my therapist and my own way of how I relate to the world - be that internal or external.
Does any of this make sense or am I misinterpreting your question?
When you wrote －
Your question to yourself shows that you have an awareness about you and how your decisions from the past may affect areas of your life now.
Thank you so, so much for posing these questions and your thoughts. I am gaining so much from our exchange of ideas and I look eagerly to continuing the conversation - I am learning much which is not only interesting, but helpful.
As my therapist explained to me, if - on that traumatic night - a car passed by with music blaring or it backfired, my mind most likely never registered it as it was too focused on what was occurring at that time - it would have overridden my other senses of Sight, Sound, Taste. Smell and Touch. Now I could be walking up the street and a car passes by playing the song or music that my mind registered on that traumatic night but of which I cannot recall myself. And so, when my ears hear the music or song, my mind remembers the traumatic event and thus the FB occurs. Other events would be occurring in relation to the other senses and of which I have no conscious remembrance of. For myself, I feel that the FBs teach my body to react with fear (for the body keeps the score). However, by grounding using the substitute method of either imagery rescripting or finding a new narrative, I believe that I can get over the negative for when I think of the better alternative / visualize the better image, then I am back in that moment in time in London or on the shores of Loch Ness (for the body keeps the score) and I believe that score can be either negative, positive or neutral. Of course, these insights are simply conjecture on my part and I have no evidence to support this theory other than discussions with my therapist and my own way of how I relate to the world - be that internal or external.
Does any of this make sense or am I misinterpreting your question?
When you wrote －
…I felt that I could really relate to this. I do think that our decisions are often based on past events and how we responded at that time. We most likely respond the same as it was apparently once a safe thing to do. For example, often as a child it was “Safer” for me to be “Invisible.” But then as an adult to remain invisible now worked against me. So I had to find a new response. But how do we do this? For me, I think it is by taking a honest look at my past and separating what was good from that which was bad. However, a lot of people fear this questioning and so they may live out the narrative of their early years without realizing that they can now make new choices - but boy, it is very hard to begin the process and sometimes we need someone to support us as we do.
Your question to yourself shows that you have an awareness about you and how your decisions from the past may affect areas of your life now.
Thank you so, so much for posing these questions and your thoughts. I am gaining so much from our exchange of ideas and I look eagerly to continuing the conversation - I am learning much which is not only interesting, but helpful.
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@Hedge same here. I think both your T and yourself are very insightful!
I've never thought of FB's as good, nor bad either really (though unpleasant or very disturbing) as much as they just 'are'. Since it was reality it 'was', but I suppose I just try to separate it from now, grounding I guess. I find trying to get a new image- more so meaning for me as I have trouble visualizing- is to replace it with a new reality. At it's simplest I think a new connotation (say eg something else happy and peaceful, or hopeful that still relates to the situation or anniversary),, or a new focus (eg trust vs fear).
One time I reached down in to a store freezer for milk and saw a (dead) person's head view, reclined. I got the milk out and a guy there started chatting away with me. It taught me I guess it had to do with the temperature and my body position, and that I guess I didn't 'look' on the outside like I felt. It was bizarre and felt really incongruous!
I never did read The Body Keeps Score. I think I started and for whatever reason stopped. Though I find it almost impossible to read a book the last decade+. I guess I haven't had the luxury of paying attention to my body, as stuff has to get done regardless of how I feel. Sort of the elephant in the room, probably lol.
I agree with those background details causing distress or being triggering.
One of the only really helpful things for me was to be able to voice some things +/or my fears and thoughts out loud, ask for direction or clarity, take onus for myself (thoughts/ choices/ beliefs/ distortions), and sometimes just to replace it with the opposite choice (with reason but out of my comfort zone or beyond my doubts, for sure). At least as far as the process goes. Any actual ability or progress in recovery has come more from the process of forgiveness/elf-forgiveness and support and direction I think. Not really the right way to describe it but it is sort of a more-inclusive re-framing, if that makes sense? Something beyond acceptance at one extreme or totally denying it at the other.
I suppose I feel everyone has 'something' or goes through much, which good or bad contributes to how each person is or becomes, their essence and way of thinking and feeling and what matters to them. It just 'is'.
Hope that makes sense! I have a lot to learn or improve upon!
Hugs to you!
I've never thought of FB's as good, nor bad either really (though unpleasant or very disturbing) as much as they just 'are'. Since it was reality it 'was', but I suppose I just try to separate it from now, grounding I guess. I find trying to get a new image- more so meaning for me as I have trouble visualizing- is to replace it with a new reality. At it's simplest I think a new connotation (say eg something else happy and peaceful, or hopeful that still relates to the situation or anniversary),, or a new focus (eg trust vs fear).
One time I reached down in to a store freezer for milk and saw a (dead) person's head view, reclined. I got the milk out and a guy there started chatting away with me. It taught me I guess it had to do with the temperature and my body position, and that I guess I didn't 'look' on the outside like I felt. It was bizarre and felt really incongruous!
I never did read The Body Keeps Score. I think I started and for whatever reason stopped. Though I find it almost impossible to read a book the last decade+. I guess I haven't had the luxury of paying attention to my body, as stuff has to get done regardless of how I feel. Sort of the elephant in the room, probably lol.
I agree with those background details causing distress or being triggering.
One of the only really helpful things for me was to be able to voice some things +/or my fears and thoughts out loud, ask for direction or clarity, take onus for myself (thoughts/ choices/ beliefs/ distortions), and sometimes just to replace it with the opposite choice (with reason but out of my comfort zone or beyond my doubts, for sure). At least as far as the process goes. Any actual ability or progress in recovery has come more from the process of forgiveness/elf-forgiveness and support and direction I think. Not really the right way to describe it but it is sort of a more-inclusive re-framing, if that makes sense? Something beyond acceptance at one extreme or totally denying it at the other.
I suppose I feel everyone has 'something' or goes through much, which good or bad contributes to how each person is or becomes, their essence and way of thinking and feeling and what matters to them. It just 'is'.
Hope that makes sense! I have a lot to learn or improve upon!
Hugs to you!
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Yes, I hear what you are saying about voicing things out loud. This is similar to what I was explaining in regards to what my therapist has me do in relation to flashbacks (re my post of July 26, 2024). There are so many variations and we each just need to explore our options until we hit on one or two that support us in our time of need aka FBs. Forgiving ourselves or others is certainly a useful way to process pain though I believe we each need to find this in ourselves (it is the journey of self-discovery which will take us to a safe plateau) as opposed to it being a Given. There is a lot that is just toted prescriptively as opposed to descriptively. One purports a method as a given means to healing; the other purports a discovery of self-enlightenment leading to healing. It took me years and years after his death to forgive my father, in particular, for the pain of my childhood, which he (amongst others) took from me. And it has taken me time to see the faults of my upbringing with my mother (from around 13 years old) and to be able to admit that she caused me pain by her actions as too her inactions. Though given that she had Bipolar (or Manic-Depressive Disorder, I think they called it in the days gone by), I do realize that she did her best. However, that BEST does not override the emotionally historical pain that I felt way into my late, late 20s and even now are sometimes affected by. My mother died in September 2021 just two days short of 82 years old.
You last insights concerning how we become as influenced by what good or bad we go through, such is extremely resonating with me. When we can become the person that we wish to become (and not according to another's narrative), then we are nearer to being able to forgive as we look pain in the face. That is, to me, the ultimate outcome of our self-discovery and it comes with a wisdom and maturity that comes (and again I am simply voicing my own view here) from somewhere either deep within or from without. As such, when my therapist tells me I should be glad as a survivor, I explain to her that I Am Who I Am and therefore I cannot take any credit for it is not me but a composite of life experiences.
I am attaching an article that I wrote called HOLY DARKNESS which explores this topic a lit more in-depth. Trust you gain something from it.
Thanks again for this post and for sharing your own insights.
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I think your words are beautiful @Hedge . And very brave to share what you have.
It reminded of a different reference to a Wounded Healer by Henri Nouwen, a quote I recall is (paraphrased) ~'No posture disturbs a suffering man or woman more than aloofness'. And by aloofness maybe he meant indifference, or at least the incapability to project otherwise?
I never could get much from Frankl, oddly enough, until I put Nouwen's words together with his, as it was Nouwen who stressed the importance that someone could say, "I will wait for you", whether that meant survival or through death on the other side when death was imminent, at the least unavoidable. Since death itself is inescapable, and survival means little if it is a return to nothing.
But you conveyed that to your partner and beloved dog, as evidenced by what you expressed in your writing.
I do not know if it is egocentrically-human to look for meaning in suffering. I sometimes wonder if the meaning becomes only what we choose: life or death; love or hate; forgiveness or lack thereof, etc etc. Not because it's warranted, but simply because it is a choice and within our hearts lie both extremes. Nor is it necessarily rewarded or reciprocated: for example love does not seek reward and can be met with hate, forgiveness as you said neither rights wrongs without further action nor may feel good or just neutral for a very long time. Tbh, I don't even know if it matters at all.
I was thinking of this with the anniversary of my sister's death approaching. She had no funeral, no service, no burial. I have other relatives with no marker (headstone). When one comes from a history of indifference, I suspect we find and choose and associate with more of the same, and repeat the process. Either that, or it's rampant. But the very worst part to me is the internal shame I feel that can follow if I risk speaking out or up. I think there is no worse condemnation than the self-condemnation and reminder of worthlessness. Shame. It certainly drives home the lesson.
It reminded of a different reference to a Wounded Healer by Henri Nouwen, a quote I recall is (paraphrased) ~'No posture disturbs a suffering man or woman more than aloofness'. And by aloofness maybe he meant indifference, or at least the incapability to project otherwise?
I never could get much from Frankl, oddly enough, until I put Nouwen's words together with his, as it was Nouwen who stressed the importance that someone could say, "I will wait for you", whether that meant survival or through death on the other side when death was imminent, at the least unavoidable. Since death itself is inescapable, and survival means little if it is a return to nothing.
But you conveyed that to your partner and beloved dog, as evidenced by what you expressed in your writing.
I do not know if it is egocentrically-human to look for meaning in suffering. I sometimes wonder if the meaning becomes only what we choose: life or death; love or hate; forgiveness or lack thereof, etc etc. Not because it's warranted, but simply because it is a choice and within our hearts lie both extremes. Nor is it necessarily rewarded or reciprocated: for example love does not seek reward and can be met with hate, forgiveness as you said neither rights wrongs without further action nor may feel good or just neutral for a very long time. Tbh, I don't even know if it matters at all.
I was thinking of this with the anniversary of my sister's death approaching. She had no funeral, no service, no burial. I have other relatives with no marker (headstone). When one comes from a history of indifference, I suspect we find and choose and associate with more of the same, and repeat the process. Either that, or it's rampant. But the very worst part to me is the internal shame I feel that can follow if I risk speaking out or up. I think there is no worse condemnation than the self-condemnation and reminder of worthlessness. Shame. It certainly drives home the lesson.
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I like this quote by Nouwen (though I did find his book on The Wounded Healer quite difficult to appreciate). Aloofness or Indifference is the real problem behind a lot of problems as people often seemingly do not care and when we feel unloved, we are apt to become isolated more so in our problems. Having recently heard a piece on the question of What If....., I thought about "What if I had never been born." And the answer is that I exist to pick up a little caterpillar who is caught in the fibers of a carpet as I gently extract him and put him outside or the time that I managed to remove a sticky piece of fluff from the legs of a spider (carefully using a pair of tweezers) who was slowly dying from the exertion of trying to remove it himself. That is the answer, the only answer that I can find to my "What if…" I believe this can be extended to what lies behind our need to care, and to not be indifferent to the plight of others. My favorite quote that I strive to live by goes along the lines of "What is my purpose in life?"....and the answer - "To make life a little less unfair for those unable to make it bearable for themselves."
Thanks again for an inspiring exchange of ideas. Apologies for the digression away from the original topic of flashbacks and Grounding Methods.
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ETA though, much as I'm the 1st to say 'we' feel a certain way, vs others 'make' us feel a certain way, I don't think it's that people 'seemingly' don't care- they don't care. And unfortunately if I am honest with myslelf that can include myself too sometimes. But hey, what does it matter really eh?
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