Other Fast Grounding Method

[Tinyflame]

Not sure if this is the best place to put this, but heard an easy way that makes most sense to me to ground when triggers or stressors arise. In this case it is interpersonal and really directed to trust, but I think it could work in other situations.

It involves saying, "(name, or he, she, they) are not (name)". Sounds ridiculously simple. But so effective.

I think too, it may be not enough to say, for example, "That was then, this is now", or "This is not 1983". Or "Then I was a child, now I am an adult". Rather, it has to have something more specific in relation to what it is not, for me anyway. And also what has the most impact for you, such as a descriptor, such as "S/he is not my mom/dad", or "He is not (X) who was abusive and cruel".

What do you think? I find it profound because it is simple, fast and factual. I think it stops short cognitive distortions in a way too.

 

[Charbella]

I’ve had success with this method, though I’m loathe to use it. Something about sending my sound out into the universe (my empty house) pushes my limits. I don’t find it easy or fast but it is effective.

I while back when I was having body memories and I couldn’t get it to stop feeling like he was touching me 24/7 the only thing that worked was saying out loud “I’m not bein touched right now, there is no one in this room, there are no hands on me, I am safe.” I was shocked that it worked when nothing else did.

For me it isn’t quick because my brain wants nothing to do with talking when I’m in the thick of it, so even pointing out the success there’s a lot of back and forth and debating the merits of it possibly working before I can actually do it.

 

[Tinyflame]

Might it help to be more direct and final @Charbella ? Such as, no one is here, or he is dead, or he is gone forever?

 

[Charbella]

Might it help to be more direct and final @Charbella ? Such as, no one is here, or he is dead, or he is gone forever?

I tried that initially, but just repeating the simple phrase wasn’t enough, I needed to add a few more. To be fair it was several days of battling it with everything else in my toolbox when I stumbled upon the technique I was at the end of my rope and willing to try, but I was also mentally and physically exhausted from my efforts.

Also there’s a championship level debater living in my head, perfectly willing to take on every possible side of any argument…so there’s that.

 

[Tinyflame]

Also there’s a championship level debater living in my head, perfectly willing to take on every possible side of any argument…so there’s that.

Yes . I think it's easier to deny permission to my thoughts than my feelings, but my feelings exist because probably to a large degree I'm afraid my thoughts are correct. But I think just stating something factual infers much is required to fall to the wayside. Such as if I say, "(x) person is not (y) person", that is true. It might not make x person 'all safe'.. but maybe they are. One thing for sure is they are not Y. Full stop. No more thinking or debating or assessing or wondering required or allowed atm. Especially not based on the present. Because the very fact I'm conflating person x with person y means I am not unbiased and not in the present (and therefore likely incorrect as well).

I am wondering for you with the somatic memories if a different approach needs to be adopted? Such as ~"My nerve endings are playing tricks. Enough brain, it's not accurate, and I need not be focusing on this past, I refuse to engage in this confusion and debate right now because it's skewed. Skewed and over, even if it doesn't feel like it today".

 

[Friday]

Any version of “not now” has never worked for me… the opposite. It brings the past forward, faster. As comparisons are like a flash flood. Overwhelming the tiny present in an unstoppable force.

But if it works for you? Hell yah. Bring it on.

 

[Charbella]

Any version of “not now” has never worked for me… the opposite.

As in I can’t handle this right now, I’ll get back to it?

 

[Friday]

Nope. It’s more like attempting to only making one facet of a diamond sparkly. One drop of water in a flood the lethal one. It’s worse than insufficient, it brings the weight of reality (ALL facets, ALL the water) much more real. The attempted comparison is a grain of sand, harmless on its own, in a sandstorm, devastating. So everything becomes much worse.

So rather than grounding? It’s flooding. That subsumes the present. As there is so much more of it.

The whole precept is useful as hell to a lot of people. Just not to me, and some others.

Nothing works best for everyone. There are always outliers.

 

[Tinyflame]

Not at all the same as @Friday 's but similar enough to what I meant by "it is not then" not working for me- I see no reason 'then' can't become 'now'. Which is why I think the ~ "it's not the same 'who' or 'what' " instead that might work for me. But that is not the same as experiencing flooding. I guess it's more like intellectualizing the moment to a box vs reacting (feeling). Like Reality Brakes for my amygdala or thoughts, that gives credit to the differences between people.

And yet, when people have said "you've been through a-b-c, what is this compared to that? ", or I think that, I understand it is correct, yes, but it brings me no comfort or courage or strength, just the opposite. And when related to circumstances it takes a lot to not fear it won't turn out the same even though the players involved are different, or some facts are different. But it does allow for the possibility. But I have to allow that possibility too. Especially in all the micro moments. I am often not great at seeing the bigger picture- not remembering the good past or having faith in the present or future. It's like I need a steady diet of reminders.

 

[Hedge]

Not sure if this is the best place to put this, but heard an easy way that makes most sense to me to ground when triggers or stressors arise. In this case it is interpersonal and really directed to trust, but I think it could work in other situations.

It involves saying, "(name, or he, she, they) are not (name)". Sounds ridiculously simple. But so effective.

I think too, it may be not enough to say, for example, "That was then, this is now", or "This is not 1983". Or "Then I was a child, now I am an adult". Rather, it has to have something more specific in relation to what it is not, for me anyway. And also what has the most impact for you, such as a descriptor, such as "S/he is not my mom/dad", or "He is not (X) who was abusive and cruel".

What do you think? I find it profound because it is simple, fast and factual. I think it stops short cognitive distortions in a way too.

I often have flashbacks in relation to a loss to suicide and finding the person.

My own therapist has me speak to my mind out loud when I have intrusive thoughts saying something along the lines of -

Thank you mind, for showing me these images in the past but I no longer need to see them as I accept that ... has gone from my life and from this world.

Then I try my best to create this alternative image to the one arising and feed it so that it takes over the negative one. Even though it is very difficult to do so at times, I do persevere. And even if the negative images do stay with me, this approach at least refocuses the images to somewhere else and lessens the time where the negative image was once longer. I do confess that I found this approach a tad difficult to embrace at first as it sort of felt infantile - but now I use it a lot.

Telling my mind that I no longer see them (I say their name) as I last did is designed to give my mind permission to now let the bad images go (if that makes sense). And when I find myself spiraling, I tell myself that the images are no longer occurring and that therefore they cannot hurt me - it really is all about self-talk and tricking my thoughts into believing that what I see is no longer real or at least relevant. The reasoning behind Thanking my mind is so that it feels that it was being helpful whereas to be punitive is to make it feel that it was being hurtful.

This method has, I have at least found, also been useful when I am feeling anxious. It may not help everyone and so I suggest people run it by their therapist if they feel the need to explore it further. And like all things, when I first practiced it, I found it difficult; now I do find it helpful from time to time and given the particular situation arising.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you @Hedge . I'm sorry for what you went through and go through.

Do you think in a way it's not tricking the mind as much as not letting the mind trick us, as it is 'now not then'? I'm sure the thanking part is helpful, but not sure if I could pull that off.

If I can ask, what would be an example of an alternate image? Thank you!

Tbh I wonder if much of the thoughts (but not FB's) are designed by the mind to ensure there will be no shock as in the past? Like I was thinking matter of fact before I opened the garage door, "I wonder if the car is there (hopefully), or if it's been stolen." As, to take the shock away if necessary when I could see. But who thinks like that, as one goes through the day? It seems to me abnormal even if I never really noticed it, and applies (for me) to so many traumas/ losses/ experiences. It's not that I assume it is but I consider it might be, because it has been. I'm inclined to feel it seems shock and horror in some moment, something beyond imagining, flipped the switch and that feeling and experience is to be avoided at nearly all costs. JMHO though. Hope that makes sense.

 

[Tip]

Thank you, Tinyflame, for your reply, questions and viewpoints as they are all helpful

When I see my partner as I found him on the night that he died, this can throw me into a real negative spin. And so I need to somehow be able to lessen the effects that such causes in terms of my thoughts and emotions. So what I now do is tell my mind that it is no longer happening and therefore my thoughts and emotions cannot be impinged upon as they were. I then focus on our time together visiting London and the areas around Loch Ness (and I always create the same image). The theory is that by doing so, when I see my partner it will be negated by the alternative image and each time a FB occurs, the alternative image will occur so that it becomes almost instantaneous and eventually the FBs will stop as they are no longer fed by my negative reactions to that FB.

However, I have had a set-back beginning on Thursday of last week. I shall not go into it as it may be a trigger for others on this Forum.

I can see what you are saying about our thoughts being there to diminish any shock that may befall us. This is something that I think a lot of people do (especially people with low self esteem). For example, I go to a job interview and find myself saying that I probably won't get the job as I do not have the right skills / speak properly / lack the right clothes to dress properly / are too short/tall / lack the appropriate education etc. etc. And so I do not get the job as I arrive at the interview already feeling negative and most likely exuding this to the person interviewing me.. But if we can change our thinking (and concentrate more on what we are hoping to obtain - A job), then we present in a more positive light. And there is nothing I can do about my speech (I really do have a speech impediment) or my height but I can take the time to make sure that I am more appropriately dressed such as not attending an interview with ripped jeans or a Tee Shirt displaying some inappropriate slogan.

Every night I arrive home, I have to check all my rooms to make sure that there is nothing scary lurking in the shadows and yet I live two stories up with no access into my flat (no trees near the bedroom window, for example) other than via the front door. There are no windows leading to the stairwell landing nor any that can be accessed from the front - and yet I HAVE TO CHECK ALL THE ROOMS. Maybe this is my mind preparing me for a worse case scenario but I rather think it is more about my own internal dialogue in conjunction with a traumatic event (finding my partner dead by suicide). Hopefully, by changing my internal dialogue, I will overcome the annoying need to check things out before I can go and lock my front door. These feelings occur more in the night time.

It is the dreams that I find the most difficult and upsetting as I dream he is back in my life only to awaken to an empty flat. And so I am now applying the same technique described in my first post above, to my dreaming mind.

Hope this all makes sense and please feel free to ask any further questions so as to explore this topic further, if you are so wanting.