Death Father Died Yesterday

[ms spock]

No school rang and that is a relief. I will go and volunteer with the awesome teacher. Then I will clean up the house and organise my stuff.

 

[Survivor3]

I'm sorry that you had to endure such horrific acts of violence and brutality. My heart goes out to you and I pray that you can heal. All the best to you. S3.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

When my mother (one of two primary abusers) died, it was a mix of emotions. It still is. I was indeed pressured to go to her memorial and my therapist was like "no way" but my entire family is like "you must go and if you don't then you are one terrible human". It was ridiculous!

Anyway, I am sorry that you are going through this hard patch. I am not sure if I should say sorry for.your loss because, at least for me, it wasn't a loss. But if it is for you, I am sorry for your loss.

:hug:s

 

[ms spock]

So I am still eating a bit too much but overall I think I am doing okay. It is a shock to me that I haven't seen my sister for over a year I have been totally dissociated around her presence in my life.

 

[ms spock]

So this really haven't hit home, except I keep reminding myself that I am safe from him now. There is nothing he can do to me anymore.

 

[ms spock]

Now my Father-In-Law has the medical complication which means if that manifests it will most likely be a life ending event according to the Specialist. Well that has such a different feel to it. Much different to my Father. Papa Bear is a really special person.

 

[ms spock]

I am trying to recapture tastes and dishes from my childhood. I think it has something to do with my alleged Sperm Donor. Who is now dead.

I feel not good enough. I feel like I am not good enough.

I am finding it really hard to be present in this now.

 

[ms spock]

I AM SO ANGRY!

 

[scout86]

I am finding it really hard to be present in this now.

This is something I'm trying to sort out right now. Can you think of it as "an experiment"? I'm finding that when I think of something as "an experiment" it gives me a certain distance that helps a bit with that "then/now" stuff. It's an experiment. I'm curious about what I'll find. I have no particular attachment to an answer, I'm just curious about what I'll find. There is no right or wrong, only information.

 

[ms spock]

*nods*

 

[ms spock]

So this has hit me more and less than I thought it would. I have just come out of a major depressive episode. Anyway it was tough but I got through. And I need to really challenge and change my relationship with myself. Unfortunately I expect too much from myself and worked three days and I should have taken the rest of the week off but I didn't and I went to a school that I actually do want to teach at and I blew it. So I am trying to do restorative justice making amends now.

But what my Father did to me was not my fault. And I need to accept that because that guilt/shame is destroying my life.

 

[scout86]

And I need to really challenge and change my relationship with myself

Look at that in the kindest, gentlest way possible. There is nothing wrong, per se, with your relationship with your self now. To say it could be improved is not to condemn how it currently stands. It's a process. You've come a long ways. I don't think the road ever truly ends, unless we choose to quit growing and learning.