Fear For The Safety Of Others

[sun seeker]

I've heard this is an OCD thing, but I'm not sure if I have OCD. I have a really extreme, irrational fear of harming other people by making the wrong choices or being negligent. It causes me great distress. I'm not sure if this is just another manifestation of hypervigilance, or what.

I do private home support for old and disabled people. Not a lot of hours, thank goodness. I could use the money, but the stress... There is no one better to hire if you want the job done thoroughly and your loved one kept safe, but no one ever guesses what it takes out of me to make sure of that. The spasms of fear that go through me at least several times an hour while I'm at work, and often almost constantly. Some of the things I worry about are clearly irrational and I can decide to ignore them, at least on a good day. What is really a problem is in the greyer areas where it's potentially possible that there is a concern, even though most people wouldn't worry about it. Example: I scratched my nose, then touched the table. Oh no - this person with a delicate immune system might touch it, touch their mouth, catch pneumonia, and die, and it will be all my fault. Even though I don't have so much as a cold and only scratched the outside of my nose. So I'd better disinfect the table. But what if the disinfectant is toxic and that makes the person sick? Better use it anyway. Wait - maybe it's ammonia based, even though it doesn't say so on the bottle. They don't always say. And this rag I'm about to use - did I use it with a chlorine-based product last week? Better wash the rag first. And again, and again, and again, and again. Okay. Now put the cleaner on the rag, and wipe the table. Then wash the rag. Over and over. Then find a place to air it out that isn't anywhere near where I might have used another cleaning product. Then get another rag and wash the cleaning fluid off the table. Then, I'm still not sure, so stay in the room for the next half hour (while doing something else productive) so if any molecules of ammonia and bleach are going to mix to create a toxic gas, I'll be the one bowled over, not my client. All the while there is stark terror washing through me like waves. And meanwhile I've found three more things to go into paroxysms of fear over simultaneously.

Sound crazy? It is. But this is just a small sample of what I go through at work on a regular basis. And it doesn't only happen at work.

I've reduced the symptoms with some things, things like locking the door at night. I am now able to really pay attention while locking each door, maybe say to myself out loud that it is locked, then go do something else, maybe calm myself with some deep breathing, and sit with the discomfort and the urge to go check it again without giving in. But when it comes to other people's safety, and to situations where there is the smallest doubt that the situation really is safe, this doesn't work. It seems to me that normal people have a sense of when enough is enough, and can tolerate some amount of uncertainty, as in "Well, I've done what I could, and if something goes wrong I'll deal with it then." But I feel like I'm lacking that sense of what is a reasonable amount of precaution. I could always do more, right? And that if something went wrong and someone was hurt because of me, I could not stand it.

I rarely make others aware of my turmoil, but once in a while I can't help myself, and I'm afraid it drives people nuts, or makes them think I'm crazy, or both.

Am I the only one? Where the heck does this come from?

 

[Seagreen]

I do this, just in different situations. My theory is that the more I allow myself to pay attention to these impulses, the tighter they will latch hold on.

I just started using a technique which I also used to stop bedwetting as a kid. It was just something I thought of one day. As a child I would dream I was sitting on the toilet when actually asleep in bed. I'd wake up midway though wetting myself. One day I decided that I would use a 'toilet queue'. The queue was to gently bite the inside of my cheek prior to reliving myself. I told myself that I could not use the queue when asleep and that I must use it everytime when awake. Which I did for years even after I stopped wetting. It worked almost instantly.

One of the things I have anxiety over is checking I haven't left my baby in the car. I feel that with important things I need conformation that I have done them. This has become an obsession over time. So now i use a queue. In allowing myself to check that my daughter isn't in the car once then use a queue to confirm that I have consciously checked. That is usually enough for me to let it go. Maybe you could adapt a similar strategy if you think it could be helpful.

 

[illusionist]

I can totally relate to this....I used to be absolutely terrible...going over in my head just as you have given an example of...it used to exhaust me too....and carried into all situations. I would scream STOP! In my head, that stopped the flow of thinking....then I would be able to rethink in a more logical, calm way. I would break whatever I had been thinking down, and ask myself what really are the chances of such and such happening? . It takes a lot of work to learn to rethink everything in that way, but it's far less exhausting, and more productive, in the end. I still get the initial panic for a second or two but my logical thoughts kick in, as a whole.

 

[sun seeker]

I feel that with important things I need conformation that I have done them. This has become an obsession over time. So now i use a queue.

I've used the cue thing when there are specific things I repeatedly worry about, like your baby in the car example. For instance, I've made checklists for leaving the house so I have the list with me and can look repeatedly if I need to to see I've locked the doors, turned off the stove and taps, etc. It sort of works.

That's a different category of fear though. This is about fear that is always changing target, and for which I have no idea how much of a precaution is enough.

STOP! In my head, that stopped the flow of thinking....then I would be able to rethink in a more logical, calm way. I would break whatever I had been thinking down, and ask myself what really are the chances of such and such happening?

I'll try the STOP. It's the "what are the chances" part I am having a problem with. I get into this state where I honestly have no idea.

 

[illusionist]

Situations in the workplace like you describe......go back to what you were taught in your basic training. This normally covers most things like hygiene and safety....in the UK anyway...then stick to them...anything more than that is not required..stop yourself..move onto the next duty..do it as you have been trained. I knew that the training in home care, for the terminally ill, was perfectly adequate, even though I had to do a lot of rethinking to believe it.

 

[sun seeker]

I work privately, didn't have any basic training. My clients are aware of that. Home support here covers so little, some families would rather hire privately.

 

[illusionist]

I am pretty sure there are free online courses, look them up and it certainly gives you a good basis to work on. Good for both you, and your clients.
It is also helpful in getting more clients, if you can show that you have done such and such courses maybe?

 

[sun seeker]

Yes, probably. Might be something I could get funded through the employment options program I'm taking in April. I haven't heard of free ones, but maybe.

 

[illusionist]

I have just looked online, and there are free ones you can do online. Think of the jobs you do......food hygiene may be a good one as it teaches such things as contamination etc. Regarding touching your nose for instance, I was taught to wash my hands immediately....so this for instance, would stop you spiralling into the scenario you describe.....hope you can see where it would be helpful in more ways than most people would think.

 

[Yvy]

Wow, it's like I've written your topic myself @sun seeker . I looked up OCD and I remember that that's one of the things they diagnosed me with... But I didn't give much attention to it because I thought the PTSD was most important. Are 'intrusive thoughts' from PTSD the same?

Anyway, I can relate to what you talk about in your job. I'm a physical therapist. There you have it: I love working with people but now I think I should quit and hide in a cave or something. The things you describe your afraid of: that's exactly what I do too. What helped me a bit was asking someone to be sort of a mentor to me. Someone from the same profession. But I noticed that when I asked things they would say things that *could* happen *if* you did that and that wrong that would make me panic even more. So now I think when I feel panic coming up for fear of doing something wrong which has happened years ago I shouldn't directly ask it.
Do you have someone from your profession to talk to maybe? So you can learn and see which thoughts are too far and which are reasonable?

What also helped me when I had to work in the hospital which was awful: people who had neurological things and were dying, that wasn't a good environment for me but I had to do it to finish my studies. Anyway, my mentor said instead of thinking what can go wrong or how awful it is for those people to be so sick etc. think when you cross the treshhold about your goals, and what you can do for that person. When you leave and cross the treshold again think about what you did for this person today, and if there are things that you're afraid of write them down. So you can learn if they are realistic or not. That helped me a bit. So what I do now if I'm working and are afraid: I write down after very patient how I went, what sort of negative thing I think and what I'm afraid off..... Don't know if that would help a tiny bit for you....

I just searched 'OCD' on the internet because I didn't know the English term and in that article it said if you focus your thoughts on someting else for FIFTEEN minutes (something that you like) then it'll become a lot less... I'm going to try this, could that really be, 'just' 15 minutes?

I'm always afraid If I have to lock down I forget something important, or the place will burn down because of me because I did something wrong, or people will get mad because I forgot something... It gives you the horrors. So awful!

So when you go home, does it take long for you to let go of these awful thoughts? Can you sleep? How does that work for you?

 

[sun seeker]

I have to go to work now, but have some thoughts I'll share later. Thanks!

 

[sun seeker]

I have just looked online, and there are free ones you can do online.

Thank you for doing that. Do you mind sharing which ones you found? I've done food safety already.

Do you have someone from your profession to talk to maybe? So you can learn and see which thoughts are too far and which are reasonable?

Not really. I have one friend who does similar work, but she wouldn't understand what the problem was if I tried to explain it to her. I don't think most people would.

Anyway, my mentor said instead of thinking what can go wrong or how awful it is for those people to be so sick etc. think when you cross the treshhold about your goals, and what you can do for that person.

That's a good way of looking at it. I will try that.

I just searched 'OCD' on the internet because I didn't know the English term and in that article it said if you focus your thoughts on someting else for FIFTEEN minutes (something that you like) then it'll become a lot less... I'm going to try this, could that really be, 'just' 15 minutes?

I wonder how this would work while you're busy trying to get things done. But sure, I'll try it. It can't hurt!

I am not sure whether this is OCD or just a wacky presentation of hypervigilance. Or if there is an overlap. Whichever way, it's incredibly stressful. I just hesitate because I don't have the rituals people usually associate with OCD. But there is OCD that is the obsession without the compulsion, as I understand it. I know the usual treatment is supposed to be just sitting with the feelings without acting on them and observing how they settle. It retrains the brain. I've had some success with this in certain discrete circumstances, but it hasn't stopped new fears from arising. It also doesn't address the problem of not knowing in each individual case whether or not what I am afraid of is a reasonable fear.

Any idea where this comes from? I've tried to figure it out and it baffles me.

I also find there is a kind of shame that goes with it, because I go to great lengths to hide how bad it is so as not to annoy people. Almost like an alcoholic hiding their vodka in a coffee cup, I will make excuses for my incessant checking that everything is safe. A friend who is supportive but doesn't have the same problem suggested asking for a second opinion when I don't know whether something is safe, but I think even she would start to get exasperated if I asked a dozen times a day.

So when you go home, does it take long for you to let go of these awful thoughts? Can you sleep? How does that work for you?

Most of the time, the level of fear goes down quite quickly after I leave the place where it was happening. Not always, but maybe 90% of the time. But when the fear is happening at home, it's harder. I've had awful nights jumping up every couple of minutes to make sure the doors are locked, the stove is off, the cat is safe, etc, etc. It hasn't been that way for a while, thank goodness. Unfortunately, the busier I am, the more intense the episodes. It tends to get worse in summer (I have a very large garden and grow a lot of my own food). A day without much quiet time is a recipe for disaster for me.