Fear of being a person? Or fear of having 'a self'?

[Torch]

Sometimes I wake up and groan thinking, "Okay, time to put on my clothes, go out into the world, and be a person."
"Time to be people now... "

Is having to 'tough up' in order to exist in society a burden for other people here too?
Do you feel the desire to not have a self or have needs?
And how does this play into dissociation, de-personalization, and de-realization for you?

When I analyze my parts and past, I see that my family was so emotionally stressed and burdened, that as the eldest, I needed to step up, take on responsibility, and help out to alleviate the burden in order to 'keep the ship afloat'.
Checking out mentally and disappearing when I was needed was a non-option. My role was to be another set of lead 'hands on deck'.

Putting the needs of the group before the individual needs over time lead to a distancing from even being able to identify what my needs were, and distancing myself further as a person, other than the role that kept the 'ship sailing'.

Dissociative states absolutely happened in other situations and contexts, but what reliably kept/keeps me anchored in the present is doing, preferably doing in service to a family or system.

 

[arfie]

Do you feel the desire to not have a self or have needs?
And how does this play into dissociation, de-personalization, and de-realization for you?

yup, methinks i know this phenom, all too well. my sense of self is quite feral. i don't much like homo sapiens or their human doings and would much as being of a separate species, altogether. grizzly bear is the species i most often fantasize belonging too. they get to live mostly solitary lives and get to sleep through the december madness.

the psycho tick plays into my mental illness in ways to numerous to list. so far, i'm still working on the step of admitting i am a human doing, whether i like it or knot. i'd much rather be a grizzly.

 

[The Hamilton Sys]

Sometimes I wake up and groan thinking, "Okay, time to put on my clothes, go out into the world, and be a person."
"Time to be people now... "

real

 

[Torch]

Gave it more thought and I'd like to elaborate on original post.

While taking on a more adult role than child role as a child, I got to be in community and harmonize with those around me. A sense of duty and obligation were clear and rewarding. When I could see that these behaviors helped keep the ship afloat, there is a sense of belonging and accomplishment. Growing up in a religious household further validated these beliefs, where the idea that self-sacrifice is noble and worthy, and that peace achieved through harmony and community is triumphant over the individual self and its needs.

Ironically, these behaviors created a distance from the self and perhaps a comprehensive understanding of the self. Learning that prioritization of the self is not inherently selfish has been turbulent for me. At the end of the day, we are most responsible for ourselves, not others. Another layer of irony, what was keeping me anchored in the present (acts of service for community) simultaneously kept me at a distance from myself?

Maybe what I'm trying to do here is highlight the overlap between escape of self? Escape of self can even anchor someone in the present.
Not sure if I'm drawing the line clearly enough here, but there seems to be a connection between these behaviors that create distance between a person, their 'self', and their 'needs'. Even when the behaviors might look less 'maladaptive' as disassociation and the like.

I'm curious to know if anyone else here might have a similar experience? Where a behavior that wasn't disassociation per say still played into dissociation?

yup, methinks i know this phenom, all too well. my sense of self is quite feral. i don't much like homo sapiens or their human doings and would much as being of a separate species, altogether. grizzly bear is the species i most often fantasize belonging too. they get to live mostly solitary lives and get to sleep through the december madness.

the psycho tick plays into my mental illness in ways to numerous to list. so far, i'm still working on the step of admitting i am a human doing, whether i like it or knot. i'd much rather be a grizzly.

Fantasizing about being an animal doesn't seem too far fetched.
Hibernation does sound nice.
'Being people' can be so overwhelming.

 

[WinnieThePoohChris]

What a small would you be @Torch

 

[arfie]

Not sure if I'm drawing the line clearly enough here, but there seems to be a connection between these behaviors that create distance between a person, their 'self', and their 'needs'. Even when the behaviors might look less 'maladaptive' as disassociation and the like.

in my own psychosis management, i believe i get myself into trouble when i attempt to find absolute clarity in those lines. where is that line between the catharsis of visualizing myself as a falcon soaring overhead and the dissociation where i refuse to down from my tree perch? there is clearly a difference between the two. where did i cross the line from a cathartic release to a maladaptive state? jiggered if i know. i don't believe that line will ever be as clearly marked as a traffic intersection. the vagueries of awareness and mindfulness seem to be as clear as those lines get in the twisted turnings of my broken brain.

i lean heavily on my therapy support network for reality checks in my effort to find those fine and fuzzy lines. they can see things i often miss in my blinding struggles for clarity.