Fear Of Being 'exposed'

[Toadette]

Please bare with me, I haven't been on the forum long and am still trying to navigate my feelings. I felt this would be the best place to start.

At the moment, my biggest insecurity as to if I am a good person or not. I know logically this is my anxiety speaking/ mimicking my abuser. It's not so much that I feel I am a bad person these days, I know I try my best, but it hasn't always been that way.

Growing up I was very manipulative at times, heck, I was manipulative until just a couple or so years ago. I didn't trust or care about anyone. I was so angry and insecure. I try to make good what I can but there's some places are too painful for me because of how much I lied.

I wish I could erase everything until now where I have things somewhat back on track. I find it hard not to blame myself for my paranoia of people because in the past they've had reason to hate me. People say I'm too hard on myself and usually that's true but sometimes it isn't.

I need to move on and be comfortable with how far I've come and understand where I've been. I sometimes though still think these things I did wrong prove me to be the person my abuser says I was, and that it makes it all my fault. My abuser was a parent and I sometimes feel they inherently knew I was bad before anyone else did and that their reaction to that is understandable.

I feel like I am so self centred. I worry that I'm manipulating you all now. I worry that I'm manipulating full stop.

 

[Ka-9]

Well... if you aren't perfect, then you're in good company here. Welcome and thanks for sharing.

 

[Gadgie]

Hi Toadrtte, welcome to the site, you never mentioned what kind of abuse you went through? If it was violent, like mine was, it can effect you in later life. When we are younger we thought it was just part of growing up, and that it's perfectly normal, it's not until later that we realise that it isn't normal at all?

It's just how much we allow it to effect us later in in life, but no matter how much we try to forget it, the fact is it's always there, and when I see violence on TV or a film, it's like a trigger for me. I hope you can put it all behind you, good luck.

 

[Toadette]

Hi Toadrtte, welcome to the site, you never mentioned what kind of abuse you went through? If it was vio...

Thank you, it was emotional abuse most of the time. I understand because of that I had to be 'manipulative' to survive in a way. Maybe it's now that I know I don't need to is why I look back on things this way. I find it hard to award myself self-forgiveness. I'm used to punishment never ending, and that's the problem. It will just take time. Thanks again :)

 

[ShodokanJenn]

Hi @Toadette Welcome to the board. I went through some pretty intense abuse, and as a teenager and young adult, I was CONSTANTLY manipulating people. The only time I felt safe was when I felt like I was in control of the people around me. Over the last 11 years of marriage, I have learned to feel safe even when I'm not doing ANYTHING manipulative. It started first with just my husband, but now I am comfortable without manipulation more often than not. Part of that is carefully choosing who I spend time with. I have learned that I wasn't a bad person because of the manipulation. I was damaged and scared, and only doing what I'd learned to do to survive. It's not healthy to be always manipulating, but it's certainly understandable. With time and safe relationships, it can be overcome. Coming here will help, as it's much "safer" to leave out the manipulation when you're just dealing with names on a screen.

 

[Toadette]

Hi @Toadette Welcome to the board. I went through some pretty intense abuse,...

Thank you for your post, it helps me to not be alone with this pain and guilt. Thank all of you for understanding :)