I am sorry that happened to you at the eye doctor's office. It amazes me how seemingly little things can set us off into a spinning spiral that devastates the day. It is so good you contacted your therapist. And what a good way she responded. And what a kind thing to call you to check on you later.
I made myself tell my therapist two things today. It was very scary to say them out loud, but I knew I needed to. I was in a really vulnerable place with all this shaky energy that I was trying to control. He was asking me to talk about it and I was having a hard time. I had parts of myself warring against each other, and we talked about that...one part that wanted to run away and hide so he would not see me this way, the other part that wanted to stay connected to him and knows that he needs to understand what's happening so he can help me work through it. I was afraid he would be impatient/upset that I can't control all this stuff even though he has given me strategies. I didn't tell him that part. I told him that I felt very afraid of showing these parts of myself to him because I am afraid he is going to end the therapy or hurt me somehow. And I told him that the shaky energy is the part of me that just wants to be held. I'm ashamed of both of these things, but I said them out loud.
He spoke very kindly and firmly about his commitment to me in therapy. How unless he was sick or something out of his control happened, he would always be there for me...by phone and in the appointments. He said how very important it is to give voice to fears and needs. It is what will help the child parts of us know that they can trust us to take care of them. I know he meant it. I just need to trust it. Because I guess so much of this is about trusting that not all people are going to abandon us or be upset or hurt by us in the same way as the people from our past have.
It's so tough to know it, but to still be stuck! It's like a prison for me. I know it intellectually is safe, but not emotionally, physically. My experience during trauma has taught me otherwise.
Yes, this is the disconnect. We KNOW intellectually the therapist isn't going to be mad or abandon us. We just don't feel that way. These are different parts of ourselves...both working hard to protect us from hurt.
I almost rather be in trouble on my terms than risk letting my therapist accept me only to get hurt later.
I get this. Almost cancelled my appointment today. Then I made myself go.
It sounds like you have a really kind and supportive therapist. This is a gift, and you deserve it. Hang onto it and keep reaching out to her. It doesn't feel safe, but ironically, it is probably the only thing that will lead to feeling safe.
