Fear Of Encountering Traumatic Experience Again?

[Sweetie]

I am obsessed with the thought of it happening, again.

Hi TSG
I was so pleased to see a message on here from you, but very sorry to hear what happened. That's truly, truly awful, I'm so sorry. May I ask? Are you getting any treatment for your trauma and your fears?

It's hard to read your message, to see how this is impacting on your life. Are you being supported well? I understand how difficult it is to be supported sometimes, especially when we're too afraid to go out. I know that well. I am also a 'prisoner', as you rightly described.

I can really, really relate to the first section of your message. Before this happened to me, I was fiercly independent. I jetted off all over the country with work without a second thought about safety, being in danger etc. I wasn't afraid of anything. And then 'it' happened and, within 3 months of it occurring, I realised one day that I couldn't leave the house. I was too scared to leave the house. I just couldn't do it.

Realising this, I called our health service telephone number who got an emergency doctor to speak to me over the telephone. I was deeply concerned, so were they. I was in a bit of a state and spent the first few minutes on the phone not being able to stop crying. What followed was the development of a fantastic support mechanism with the help of my doctor, which I'm grateful for.

However, it has taken me 7 months after trauma to be able to go out again. I am slowly getting there but still find some things absolutely terrifying. Namely, being around people I don't know. Which is frustrating because I used to love meeting new people pre-trauma! I am sure you are the same - I miss my old life and it is frustrating to me that I can't just go jump on the train and go shopping, I can't just walk into a workplace I don't know without considerable anxiety. I can't just go out to watch a band as I used to (YET!!).

As a lot of girls will experience, I got 'hit' on by this guy the other day when I had challenged myself to get the train. I was absolutely terrified. I stuttered my way out of the situation and ran off heart racing, panic and with genuine fear. I was so annoyed at myself for reacting in this way. Pre-trauma, I would've confidently laughed the situation off, thrown in a bit of charm and sent them on their way. When this happened the other week, I looked down at my hands shaking and had to fight back the tears when I said to myself, 'what happened to you? where are you? where did you go?'

Oh, please excuse me. I'm rather emotional today! Reading your message really hit home with me, considering I could relate to it so much. Oh, apologies (looks up at typing) I'm afraid I have gone on a little bit here about myself, which wasn't intended considering you were kind enough to share your thoughts and feelings with me. I am so grateful that you have shared your experience with me. I just hope you are being supported and that you are OK. If I can help you...anyone on here...with anything from afar, do let me know. I'd be very happy to hear from you or anyone on here who'd like to talk, get things off their chest etc.

I hope you have a peaceful day/evening - thanks again for reassuring me about this awful symptom.
S xxx

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[Sweetie]

I wonder if you are ok now. I hope by the time you read this you will be feeling alittle better. You got alot of help and support and you seem to be very bright and sensitive.

Hi Gizmo

Thank you very, very much for you reply. I can't tell you how much it helps being able to 'speak' to people who understand.

I am so very sorry about your awful experience and how it is impacting on your life. I also use avoidance and safety behaviours...lot's of safety behaviours. My therapist is helping me to remove some of them, but it is tough. For example, not sleeping in a certain position fills me with fear. It is so pleasing to read about your success with your avoidance behaviours. That really is good to know.

Gizmo, I understand what you say about not being the same person anymore. I live in hope that this will be possible, with the right treatment and with the right support, however, I feel like the 'old me' is being smothered by this trauma and fear. Lately, as I'm recovering, I recognise bits of the 'old me' creeping in more and more. But, I'm impatient and frustrated that I can't just get on with it, life, like I used to. My therapist tells me off for my impatience frequently!

I drove through my town centre today (only just learned how to drive on my own again a couple months back!). Whilst waiting in the traffic, I watched a girl, about my age walking through town, smiling and gossiping with a friend, laughing. I thought to myself, 'Gosh....I used to be able to do that, live so care-free, walk through town without a care in the world'. I'm afraid I felt a pang on envy as I watched her.

Has it been long since your trauma, Gizmo? Are you being supported in any way? You are right - it is good that you are able to rationally know that your fears are unrealistic or unlikely. And it is great you were not anxious today!

I hope I speak to you again. Thank you so much for supporting me. Much appreciated.
And thank you for your compliments - most kind (ditto!)
S x

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[Deleted member 12723]

Hi Sweetie,

It has been so many years ago since my traumas. I had a very abusive childhood, aworse time during my marriage, many traumas, and a bad branding experience as a older adult. I have the forum for support. I see a psychiatrist and get medication. How did you learn how to drive all over again. I have a driving phobia where I get anxiety on the freeways.

I am going to do EMDR after the end of April. I have to get a referral from my psych. doc. I hope this helps me. I am so tired of the anxiety. I use alot of safety behaviors too. It is all about being safe at all times.Take care.

 

[TSG]

Sweetie, the last time I was attacked (kidnapped by a man who had already killed 2 people and unsuccessfully a 3rd) and sexually assaulted for hours while being choked, beaten and cut with a Rambo-style "survival knife") nearly 2 years ago I have been pretty much on my own. I saw a counselor at the local Rape Crisis Center 2x and left the waiting room at my 3rd appt before being seen...never went back. Ive tried, since then, to get help but no one ever calls me back so that has been unsuccessful. Friday, someone finally got back to me (my symptoms are so far out of control right now...worse than they have ever been, BY FAR) and I have an appointment on Monday. We shall see.

Like you, I am tired of "being like this" (my words). I hate being unable to open my door. I hate a lot of things. It's getting to my family, too. Ive been really good at hiding the symptoms, like only scheduling appointments on my husbands day off. He has no clue it's because I can't leave the house without him. Some are really getting out of hand, though, and he insisted last week that I do something.

I can't even be looked at by a man now. I used to be very outgoing and pretty but I shaved my head, wear no makeup and gained a lot of weight to help avoid that. If a man gets too close to me, though, I run, screaming (have done so, many times, often leaving a family member staring after me, humiliated). I also can't deal with rape scenes, scenes with knives, someone blocking a door, fights between men and women where there is physical restraing, BDSM-type scenes, etc. I have fled, crying, from many a movie, again leaving my family aghast at my behavior.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm sorry TSG, words cannot describe how painful I feel for you from my heart.

I am one to 'flee' also, well my 'legs' do. In fear of that, a friend told me if it happens "So what", that's what makes ('me') uniquely 'me'. (The emphasis here being on the "So what!"!)

I hope you will one day find peace, I know that it is possible (even if it doesn't feel like it).

 

[Sweetie]

Hi Sweetie,

It has been so many years ago since my traumas. I had a very abusive childhood, aworse time during my marriage, many traumas, and a bad branding experience as a older adult..

Hi Gizmo

Thanks for replying to me again.

I am so sorry to hear about your history of abuse and trauma. Your branding experience fills me with such sadness - I am happy you're getting support from this forum and your psychiatrist. It's interesting what you say about being safe all the time - this is what my brain is pushing me to do everyday, hence the safety and avoidance behaviours. I do hope the EMDR goes well for you - I have heard some fantastic things about this treatment - I'd be so interested to know how you are getting on. Thanks for sharing that.

I also suffered a terrible childhood - my parents were abusive, violent alcoholics that clearly didn't want me. Trauma was daily and chronic. It's tough, as an adult, to realise that I wasn't wanted by my parents (*stab of heart ache). To make matters a 100% worse, in an effort to escape the abuse at home, I made a decision as a 14 year old girl to adopt a lifestyle that 14 year old girls should never have to consider. I'm not so good at talking about specifics (yet!) but what I will say is that I was exploited as a girl for many years. It lasted until I was 19 and then threw myself into building a life for myself, working furiously to build myself a good career in an effort to forget. It worked....albeit temporarily and it's now, as an adult, that I'm struggling with the consequences. It was an additional trauma that kicked everything off a few months back.

RE: Driving! Oh my goodness, at first, it was rather difficult and caused a considerable amount of discomfort and panic! I started off with small journeys and then steadily increased them. However, I am still not driving like I used to and do not do long journeys. My therapist has told me he wants me to drive to my next appointment (about a 40 minute drive) and that is terrifying me a little. I was told by a support group therapist that it usually takes around 7 repeat journeys before the fear is removed...it took a bit longer with me, but I got there.

Could you perhaps get a friend to follow you on a very short journey? Could you take some lessons with a driving instructor again in order to build up your confidence?.........actually, that is the first time I have thought about that...I might look into that myself!

Hope you've had a peaceful day/night.
Take care, Gizmo
S x

 

[Sweetie]

Sweetie, the last time I was attacked (kidnapped by a man who had already killed 2 people and unsuccessfully a 3rd) and sexually assaulted for hours while being choked, beaten and cut with a Rambo-style "survival knife") nearly 2 years ago I have been pretty much on my own. .

TSG - I am absolutely shocked and upset by your terrible experience. I can't even begin to imagine this horrific situation. Did you attend your appointment? How did you get on? I read you have your husband and family - but I do hope you get some extra support soon - no-one should have to go through this awful journey alone, literally or just feeling like they are alone. I admire you - after everything you have been through, you can come on here and share your experiences. I'm heartbroken to think you're pretty much on your own - please, you can speak to me anytime you wish. Any time you need to talk.

I hear you re: how your appearance has changed. Before the latest trauma, I was was one of those full-faced makeup girls, short skirts and hair always 'done'. I still am because I have somehow made myself believe that if I let this go now, it will be harmful in that it would be another thing that I've 'lost' as a result of this illness. Absolute rubbish, I know. It's difficult - I don't want to be approached, but I can't bare to let this go because I believe this illness has already taken too much of me already. My childhood trauma has got a lot to do with this 'appearance' issue. I hold my appearance (which, admitedly, is sexualised at times) and 'looks' high up in what makes up my identity - this is wholly unhelpful and unhealthy. I'm working on this issue with my therapist currently.

My friend accompanied me into town the other day and left me on my own for half an hour. I went into a few shops, had some friendly conversations with people, laughed and joked my way through some purchases. When I got in the car with my friend, I said, 'Everyone I met, if asked, would've probably reported that I was a stable and happy individual. If only they knew!'. It got me thinking...how many times have I had a conversation with someone and not realised that they were suffering inside. It disturbed me, somewhat.

I was really interested in what you say about your reactions to similar situations to your trauma. I also have the same thing. There is a television programme that shows each week in the UK and there is an on-going story that features trauma that is very similar to mine. Last week (in the middle of dinner), a particular scene featuring the trauma came on the television...I absolutely freaked. Well, I sat through it for a minute or two (heart racing, skin beginning to feel prickly, sudden urge to be sick, rapid breathing) then fled to another room and put my hands over my ears. This attracted comments such as, 'You're being silly - don't be stupid. Come and sit back down and watch the rest. It will be good for you'. I didn't say anything to that and just finished off dinner in the kitchen. How can you explain this to people who are lucky enough not to know what it's like to live with this? Yes - I know it's not real, I know it's just on television and I know it can't cause any actual, physical harm to me, but it still causes a considerable amount of distress and, when your brain says, 'danger - RUN!!!' - it's difficult not to. I am anxious to get over this, as I'm sure you are too.

I hope you are having a peaceful day/night. TSG - you have experienced a horrific trauma. I hope you are not being too hard on yourself because your body is doing what it needs to do to cope. That's how I see PTSD symptoms any way.

I do hope you're ok today...
Sending you some thoughts and positive cyber vibes...
S x

 

[Sweetie]

I'm sorry TSG, words cannot describe how painful I feel for you from my heart.

I am one to 'flee' also, well my 'legs' do. In fear of that, a friend told me if it happens "So what", that's what makes ('me') uniquely 'me'. (The emphasis here being on the "So what!"!)).

Hello Junebug

I am also one to 'flee' and even had a little smile when I read that your legs do. It's strange, even if I try tell myself to calm down and fight through the urge to run, my legs seem to take off anyway. I run so fast sometimes that I've knocked over chairs, fallen over the pets and scared the people around me with my sudden and urgent 'take offs'.

Oh dear!
S x

 

[Tinyflame]

Hi Sweetie, yes, ugh. :(

Am thinking could be emotional flashbacks(?), Venusian posted a thread on it.

And though it doesn't feel exactly the same, after a FB as well.

 

[Sweetie]

I just wanted to post some replies before posting an update on myself. Please - don't anyone feel obliged to reply to this. It's really good to speak to people here, read about experiences and get things off my chest.

The last few days have been somewhat stressful. This is mainly due to the fact that, next week, I am going to be facing some of the things I have been avoiding for many months. Namely - getting public transport alone on one day, going into a business setting on another day and then driving alone for a 40 minute journey on the third day to my therapy...it was my therapists idea to do the longer than normal drive alone. I suppose I have to accept that I am going to be faced with some discomfort if I am going to recover. However, the thoughts of facing my fears head on has left me feeling irritable and uncomfortable. I cannot wait until next thursday evening when it has all been done. And then I can have a little break before attempting anything again.

I did some thinking this evening and got a little upset thinking about the 'old' me and my old, care free life. I realised that the main thing that was preventing me from being the 'old' me was this absolute fear that I would encounter the trauma again. There is no easy way to get over this - I have to tackle these avoidance situations to prove to myself that I have nothing to fear. It's tough. However, no-one said it was going to be easy. I miss my independance a great deal.

I tried to sleep in a different position the other night. I was so restless and jumpy. Every time I felt myself falling asleep, I'd snap wide awake with heart racing. It's like I am afraid to let my gaurd down and being tired makes me feel out of control. One of the most awful symptoms I have experienced after the most recent trauma is slight depersonalisation. This has greatly reduced over the last few months due to the therapy, however, when I am tired, my body sees this as a potential threat (I'm not in control, I'm not fully alert) and I suffer from this depersonalisation as a result of that. It's really not as bad as it was 6 months ago, but still an experience that I can do without.

When I was googling some info on PTSD this evening, I came across a website that I found helpful. I am not able to post links because I am a new user, but I am sure a quick google search of 'free psychology tools PTSD' will direct you to a webpage that contains some PTSD free tools for therapists to share, although I am sure individuals will benefit, as I did from the info. There are handouts, leaflets and info in PDFs and stuff - just in case anyone hasn't seen it.

I also got thinking about therapy today. There is only one person in the whole world that knows everything about me - my current therapist. I was beginning to feel a little sad tonight, thinking that the only person who knows absolutely everything about me is someone who I pay to know everything about me. I have told my therapist everything, all of my trauma, all of my darkest secrets, about all my shame and he hasn't appeared to judged me and has appeared to be fully supportive. However, it's all fake, if I'm being completely honest with myself. I'm realising now that it's not real - it's a therapy session. I have held my therapist in quite a high regard because he hasn't judged me for my upbringing, childhood experiences, secrets and trauma, however, I have realised that this is only a kind of professional appearance. I'm paying him not to judge me and I'm paying him to support me. This realisation has upset me a little, for some reason! I wonder if I will ever find anyone 'real' who I can 100% be honest and open with about my trauma and childhood stuff and find someone who will not judge me because of it. Oh, ignore me, I'm a little low at the moment and just getting things off my chest.

Anyway...I will say goodnight to you all and I hope you are doing OK.
S x

 

[Sweetie]

Hi everyone

I just wanted to thank you very much for your responses and support in response to the thread I posted.

I'm going to be leaving the site, but didn't want to go without wishing you all well and thanking you for your support. Thanks for sharing your experiences - you have been very open about them. I hope and pray that this will be resolved for you all quickly. Keep going...things are terrible for some of you at present- but *life* is waiting for you all- don't give up.

Take good care.
S x

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Hi Sweetie, Thank you for responding to me. I am doing better on driving. The last 2 times I drove I did'nt have any anxiety.

I will let you know how the Emdr goes. I am feeling hopeful.