Fear Of Encountering Traumatic Experience Again?

[TSG]

Thank you, Sweetie, for asking about me, lending me an ear...er...eye, and caring. Yes, I did go to the appointment, though I am sure he must've thought me to be nuts. I had to bring my dog with me to even go. I felt like I was dragging a car behind me as I walked to the door from the car. I went in then leaned on the closed door and started to cry, uncontrollably, and then hyperventilated. I couldn't go into the room. It was very small and at the very end of a long hall. I felt as if I'd be trapped. I was a hysterical mess and totally humiliated myself. He said there was hope and asked me to please come back. I have now been 2 more times. Neither was as bad. I still couldn't tell you what he looks like, though. I can't bring myself to look at him. I know that he is older, tall and has gray hair...all triggers as they match the description of my would-be murderer. If I look at him, I will run and never go back. He seems nice and is very calm and quiet.

He wants me to do a journal but I can not. He says we need to get me back to a happy time in life, which made me laugh since I have never really had one. I went from one abuser to another. Until my hero-husband (literally...it was he who tackled my attacker and saved my life) I have never not known being hit. It is so hard to go to see the T. Walking in the door means becoming vulnerable on so many levels, not to mention just the agony of being outside of my personal refuge, my darkened room at home that I rarely leave.

I'm glad you are finding someone to trust and comfort you. Speaking from longing, I think "we" need that, very much.