Fear Of Getting Well

[Bidopa]

I'm so ashamed of this, but I'm scared of getting well. I have endured so many horrible things in my life, and survived them all. But the PTSD has destroyed so much of my life. Now I'm getting the help I've needed for so long. And I'm grateful and I do work hard on my recovery. Only that I have nothing to recover- I have never lived a life without PTSD and I don't know who I am 'without it'.

I'm scared of getting well. Not sure why.. But I only know how to live like victim, and know no other way of functioning. These thoughts make me think I don't want to get well, and that I brought it all on my self, and that I'm wasting my therapists time and that I maybe ought go and end it all.

Can anyone relate at all? Does anyone understand what I mean?

 

[Eto]

It should say "who I am"

 

[Ivinu]

I can identify with you. I haven't known anything other than PTSD, either. I play a little game with myself when I am stable. I try to figure out who I could have been if there had been no trauma. When I have what seems like a positive emotion, I try to figure out what is causing it. So far I've figured out that I would have been a reader, would have loved live music, would have been one of those nice guys that the world walks all over.

Then, I try to work toward being or doing those things. My goal is to try to be the guy I could have been for a little while before I die. Don't know if I will get there, but, at least, it is something to work towards.

 

[Uru]

Boy, can I relate. I know change is hard - going from young adult into full adulthood and being responsible for myself. Yikes! Going from college into the world of working or searching for work . . . All those transitions are challenging, or awkward at least.

Let's see - If I didn't have PTSD I'd sleep well every night. I'd do consistently well at my job (and more money in the bank). I'd have several warm relationships with family and friends, probably a loving spouse who I could curl up with on the sofa and watch movies with, and I'd get out more in general and do stuff - Sheesh, it sounds overwhelming! How do people "do it"?

 

[Bidopa]

I think this is perfectly normal. Change is stressful all by itself, and its normal to fear something you haven't experienced, or forgotten what good days feel like. It is part of the process and shouldn't be ignored. The fact you're discussing it is merit alone in recognition of what you feel and looking for ways to face those fears. Well done.

Baby steps, little by little you will suddenly get used to feeling good, then hate having the occasional bad day.

 

[Obevo]

Thanks so much for the answers! They made me feel less like a freak and a failure.

I haven't known anything other than PTSD, either. I play a little game with myself when I am stable. I try to figure out who I could have been if there had been no trauma. When I have what seems like a positive emotion, I try to figure out what is causing it. So far I've figured out that I would have been a reader, would have loved live music, would have been one of those nice guys that the world walks all over.

What a nice game to play! I will try that. :) But I really do hope you can become a nice guy who won't let others walk all over you, since that's not really being nice. I think you can be a gentle person without being a person that is stepped on. At least I hope so! (I guess I actually found one of those things I dream about happening to me if I can get through this process and heal my PTSD.)

Let's see - If I didn't have PTSD I'd sleep well every night. I'd do consistently well at my job (and more money in the bank). I'd have several warm relationships with family and friends, probably a loving spouse who I could curl up with on the sofa and watch movies with, and I'd get out more in general and do stuff - Sheesh, it sounds overwhelming! How do people "do it"?

:D Your reply made me laugh! Since when you put it that way it sounds so stupid to fear getting well! :) But then again it's not ony getting well, it's facing all the consequences from a life lived like a victim with severe PTSD; and I guess I'm actually grieving all the losses and am trying to face up with a life that's pretty much in ruins. And some days I don't think I will ever be able to build that "good life"; even IF my PTSD gets better. Since the consequences are so bad. I also fear that no-one would ever want to be my partner, if they find out about my past..

Change is stressful all by itself, and its normal to fear something you haven't experienced, or forgotten what good days feel like. It is part of the process and shouldn't be ignored. The fact you're discussing it is merit alone in recognition of what you feel and looking for ways to face those fears. Well done.

Thank you so much! I really hope I will get to know someday how it feels to hate having an occasional bad day! :)

 

[Ube]

Sorry! That was "Bidopa" writing.

 

[Emati]

I think it is comfortable in the sense it is what you know. Getting well is the unknown and it can be scary. I'm working on that in therapy right now. How will it be if I don't have this cloud of depression over me or if I don't think negative thoughts about myself? It really shouldn't be scary but it is. It's what I'm familiar with. But, since I don't want my children to feel this way or think this way, I'm really trying to get out of what is comfortable and into something a little less comfortable but healthier. I mean that for my mental as well as physical health.