Fear Of Others Dying

[bekbek]

I have a horrible fear of the important people in my life dying. I worry all the time when they are not with me. I hate when my partner goes anywhere because I am terrified something will happen to him. If he doesn't answer a text message I automatically assume he's been in an accident or has died. It's exhausting worrying constantly about this on top of everything else. Does this happen to anyone else?

 

[Laurie McLaughlin]

Hi bekbek -

I know some of what you are going through, I think.

When I was growing up and my parents would leave at night to go out, I remember always thinking that it might be the last time I never saw them and if they did not come home on time, I would stay awake worrying until they came home.

This kind of fear is a terrible thing to have. I did not want to be abandoned. I started thinking about myself and what parts of me I had to strengthen in case I was abandoned so that if they did not come back, I could still go on. Doing this gave me courage.

It wasn't till I got older that I have been able to really start working on my fear and studying impermanence. What has helped me is to really come to an understanding that everything is impermanent and will not be around forever. I was able to let go of my grasping at them as being necessary to my own existence.

I hope you are able to let go of worrying -

Namaste - Laurie

 

[Tinyflame]

I can relate to fearing the worst, as above, but also to the OP. I think some of that in my case came from living experience. I would say however that although I likely will never shake the awareness that something *could* happen, I no longer feel as though it's nearly inevitable it *will* happen. I think that came from a process of time- times when it did not occur, challenging the thoughts with that information (forcibly), recognizing it came much from my own anxiety, and trying to have faith things would/could be better than I feared.

I came back to add, in case it may be of some use, is that I also try to think of all or any of the good things that might be alternative expanations (for why someone is delayed, etc). And to think how much fun they will have going away, etc. Not about 'my own' fear but their benefit.

Is the fear how you would manage? Then perhaps you can learn things now. Is the fear the emotional heartbreak or loss? Then it can't hurt to mke the most out of the moments you do have (that's all any of us have). If the fear is not knowing what you would do, or how to cope, perhaps you could keep a list of phone numbers to call?

We could of course be the one who 'dies unexpectedly', but would we want others to think that way? Even with ptsd it does not mean that the worst secenario will always happen (thankfully).

If we are lucky, we might have people around understanding enough to be thoughtful and reduce our worry, but we can't control that, and sometimes it's not even possible.

I too hope your worry decreases as it's an awful feeling. :(

:hug:

 

[bekbek]

Thanks for replying guys. My mum died suddenly when I was younger and a friend was murdered when I was in my late teens.

My dad also left me and my sisters on many occasions and went to England for months and and sometimes years because he couldn't cope after my mum died. We were left to fend for ourselves and we were only kids.

I think a lot of it is the fear of being left but mostly I believe it is the thought of losing another person I love and not being able to stop it. I don't know how I would recover from that and worry about not being able to go on. I've tried using more rational thinking but I just can't shake that fear

 

[Djinn]

I know this is an old thread, but just read it and it's something I can relate to. I'm actually feeling like this right now. Thinking of possibilities. I'm not sure why I am this way. It's been always there since I've learned that I was mortal at the age of 4. As I cherish my times with those who are important to me, I know no matter I would have regrets. I would lose both ways. I too would worry if I left. The thought of not being there for them eats me up as well. I'm totally sick of this feeling.

Not sure if I have PTSD. I have had my shares of losses in the past. Could that be it?

 

[Friday]

@Djinn

Anxiety is part of many disorders, PTSD amongst them.

When you've been around sudden violent death? Shrug. It's not an irrational fear, it's a learned fear. (Even if it's highly unlikely. Straight up arguments like : Yeesh! I'm only 50 feet away from you, don't mean a lot if the last guy died in your arms). Whether learned or not, though, both are difficult in their own ways.

Im a strong proponent of getting a diagnosis... Because so many disorders do share symptoms (like anxiety, above)... And the best treatments for different disorders? Are different. A person can waste years treating the wrong thing, even making their actual disorder worse, if they don't know what they're dealing with.

 

[Tinyflame]

As I cherish my times with those who are important to me, I know no matter I would have regrets. I would lose both ways. I too would worry if I left. The thought of not being there for them eats me up as well

Actually, I think that is wisdom. I think too it is very difficult to not have regrets, but that is amendable, to remember you're only human (as are they) & can only do the best you can (same for them). You don't need perfection to have love. "Cherish" is a big word. You sound grateful & blessed. :tup:

I was thinking of this, but in a different way. As a person who's had a fair amount of losses, yes you do lose both ways. I know people say better to have loved stuff, but not sure really? Ultimately the lows of the loss that last seem more potent than the highs that no longer exist, but that's just me at this moment.

But then, in another way, there aren't that many options. Except to say it's not that helpful to worry about what hasn't occurred. There's some song on the radio called "I'll love you like I'm going to lose you", or something like that. In a sense that's wise, no one is promised tomorrow.

I think it helps to have less unnecessary arguments, less resentments. Not to sweat the small stuff. Not to get too self-absorbed. . Be honest & tell people you love them & how you feel. If nothing else, they/ you won't wonder if they/ you were loved.

And yes, when you love others you worry about where they'll be left or how they'll be impacted (eg, financially, etc).

As per ptsd @FridayJones said it. JMHO but I find it a very different animal than grief or existential angst (not inferring that's what you have, but rather my own yardstick through my lifespan. Hope it doesn't sound too preachy, what do I know. :rolleyes: )

Welcome to you btw. You sound very happy. Enjoy these good memories. :)

 

[Djinn]

Sudden death has happened in my life. I was never the same since. I was practically next to death and loss someone that person in a big accident. I sometimes wonder why I'm still here. I survived and that person did not. I've turned to alcoholism, drugs, thinking possibilities, suicidal thoughts, etc. Time has given me a chance to learn how to deal with it. I get this bad feeling now and then. Just like today. Thanks hearing me out.

 

[Tinyflame]

ETA @Djinn , I did think of this fact (though not the same).

I love my dog. It breaks my heart when the dog dies. Though in many ways I love having a dog & miss not having one, I totally 'get' when people can't get another one, & have considered doing the same. I love my dog & would die for my dog, because what other option would you have?

But most of all, the real deciding factor was my dog needed to be loved (she was a rescue & horribly abused). I'm not sure, that over-rode the loss it will likely be later, unless I go first, her need in the present versus my loss in the future.

 

[Tinyflame]

I'm sorry @Djinn I missed your post. That's a very serious trauma, I am very sorry. :( I am glad you posted. I wish you healing & peace. I'm sure others will come along and post. I think your loved one would want you to cherish life & find some modicum of peace & happiness & freedom from guilt, worry & fear.