General Feel Guilty For Snapping At My Sister

[Peach]

We went out to eat and she mentioned American Sniper. Ironically, it was just a few days ago that I mentioned here her fairly new found penchant for ranting and making blanket statements about things she really knows nothing about.

Well, I've already heard this particular viewpoint from her and wasn't fond of hearing it again, so I quickly said, "Wait, wait! I don't want to hear it!" It was rude of me, but she was already gearing up with both barrels and I wanted to shut it down fast. She started to argue with me and I said, "I know you like to go on these rants, but you really don't know what you're talking about here and I'd prefer we skip it." Not calmly, but certainly not aggressive.

She refused to be silent though, had to let it out anyway, and said she had a right to an opinion. True, but maybe keep it to yourself sometimes??? She started in on a mentally unstable man who had (years before she knew him) purposely hit her police officer husband with his car while he was directing traffic and how he deserved the death penalty.

One really has nothing to do with the other, but her point was about mental illness and she has zero compassion or gray area. It is black and white for her.

I sarcastically thanked her for respecting my wishes to skip that conversation.

She said she wasn't talking about Tater, but she does know this is an issue that is close to home. He's in a good place now, but when he was first symptomatic and lost, he was volitile and suicidal, so she may as well be talking about him "then" or someone who is currently in his shoes from then. No, he never lost it and killed anyone, but I do know there was a close call...which was in fact, his wake up call that he needed help. She knows none of that, she doesn't even know him now except from me talking about him.

I guess I feel bad that I was rude, but I don't think the actual intent was terrible. I think she needs to be more aware of her audience.

 

[shimmerz]

She started in on a mentally unstable man who had (years before she knew him) purposely hit her police officer husband with his car while he was directing traffic and how he deserved the death penalty.

Oh boy. ^^^ But most likely she has no strong opinions on domestic violence or child abuse? lol. That's where most of it starts, imho.

I actually wouldn't put up with someone who 'needed to express their opinion' on such things. I have literally walked out on people who would not stop when I asked them to. If I ask for an opinion and get something I don't want, that is a different story. But don't rant on me ..... I don't take that well.

Sorry this happened to you. I just watched American Sniper last week for the first time. Couldn't bring myself to watch it before.

 

[Purplemunchkin]

I don't think you were rude. With some people you have to be blunt, and even that doesn't always work; as your sister proved.

My Mum is like that. Her's is the only opinion that counts, and she is the only one allowed to speak. I've been known to get up and walk out as she will not respect my wish about not discussing certain topics on conversation.

Hubby used to think I was really rude for doing it, but now he's seen her in action he understands.

It's the old boundaries thing. You can't expect others to always respect your boundaries, and you are the only one that can enforce them.

Since I learnt that lesson here on the forum dealing with my family has become so much easier!

 

[Sweetpea76]

I love how people see a movie, then become experts...

 

[Wastinglight]

Ish. Sorry to hear about this. I think it's safe to say that we all have these sorts of experiences with family, and they can be hard to navigate.

It's the old boundaries thing. You can't expect others to always respect your boundaries, and you are the only one that can enforce them.

What @Purplemunchkin said. Family members can be difficult to enforce personal boundaries with - and honestly, when someone is pinging your boundaries, it can be hard to remain completely calm. I wouldn't beat yourself up about it.

 

[UnKnown-Self]

We went out to eat and she mentioned American Sniper. Ironically, it was just a few days ago that I mentio...

and said she had a right to an opinion

And you have a right to listen or not.

 

[Sighs]

^^^ this!

She can have whatever opinion she likes but you don't have to listen to it! I think you were very measured. I would have got up and walked off.

 

[Powder]

I am having a hard time following these thoughts or getting the reason for the guilt. I am not familiar with your situation or background. But here goes on what I could make out.

1. I can relate to trying to keep someone from triggering me with "TOO MUCH INFO" into something they have triggered me with before. But honestly, this goes both ways and you have to own the problem. It's your trigger. I used to have only traumatizing relationships. Wigging out was one way to put down boundaries in a hostile home. But, I've come to realize, in my new, healthier relationships, that I own the emotional wigging out problem that I have brought with me.

In my experience, I get the best outcomes, both personally and relationship-wise, when I swallow my pride, grit my teeth and smile, and let them talk. Depends on me and the situation.

2. My best guess as to what could help:

Generally, Try to empathize with others, even if you feel the need to set boundaries with them.
Rather than try to halt someone in their tracks, let them know that you care very much about how much this is bothering them and you want to talk about with them, just not right now. Offer them a compromise or way out. Ask a question: have you thought about taking this into counseling? Who have you talked to about this? What would make you feel better with this issue?

I ask myself these questions:

How did I feel inside when this was all happening? How did my words affect the other person? Why did I react so strongly? What could I have done that would have led to a neutral result or bypassed the situation? Could I have been more generous with both myself and the other person by offering to tackle that with them at a later time (when I am emotionally prepared)? {BTW, none of this occurs to me in the moment of necessity; only in reflection do detours appear on my "map of alternatives" and then I try to imagine using one of those routes and outcome. Then I ask a supporter or the forum for feedback to test my theory.}

Rather than just feel guilty, try looking at what transpired inside of you when this kind of thing happens and ask the other person what they also observed. What is the typical result?

Maybe give us more info as to why you feel guilty and what you think you could do differently and maybe find a new outcome.

 

[Peach]

Thanks everyone. I do think I was probably rude, but the situation happened fast, if I had time maybe I could have been less blunt and that would have made me happier in the end. If that's the worst thing I ever do though, guess I'll consider that pretty good. Lol

I love how people see a movie, then become experts...

She's an expert without having even seen it yet! :p

@shimmerz , I only saw it 2 or 3 months ago. Still haven't watched Lone Survivor, can only take so many tear jerkers in a year. Tater just watched Max (he has a special place in his heart for those military working dogs, of course) and really enjoyed it, apart from the artistic license, but it looks like I'll need some tissues for that one, too.

I appreciate you taking the time to respond @Muse, but it's not as deep as all that. I was taught that if I didn't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all. Also, I'm generally very calm and am content to let things slide off my back. To get so quickly defensive like that and to actually say something about it is outside my norm - it was surprising to me, probably to her, and it just made me feel badly afterwards, like I should apologize. Not for saying what I did, but how I said it.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Sometimes people need the blunt-hammer.

 

[Peach]

Hehehe! So true!:happy: