Feel like a complete and utter failure in life

[Deanna]

OP, I can't quite ( for number 1)quote and paste any part of your post, on my post, with my phone... But the best is yet to come. You may be feeling a little old but hope for the best at this point. Your life may just be starting.

 

[maryiscontrary]

It sounds like you've been through a lot and are still going through a lot. Some people work a job and never make the tough decisions you have made or go through things you have gone through. I am younger than you but have faced similar frustrations. Your life has value ans you're an encouragement to me because you've been through this for longer than I have and you're still doing it.

It doesn't matter what job you do because I can think about people who retires and life kept on going at work. Chances are that you've just gotten a lot of tough breaks unfortunately. Things can always,change. Morgan Freeman the actor didn't have his career take off until 50 years old and now he's famous and well respected.

The people who "make" it are incredibly blessed and lucky. All of them. A lot of things have to go right to be successful no matter how talented you are. And that includes finding good,people to work with and partner with.

wow thank you for such wonderful input.

Let me tell you what I believe my problem to be is. I think that this might help other people. In fact I will start a new thread on this.

I believe that because of my personal trauma, partially due to family, and partially due to being an aspie, I basically programmed as an ego this failure. I'm going to start a new thread on this, and I hope you will join.
In short, my failures in life are not due two lack of diligence or hard work, it is due to going through trauma, and then expecting the very least out of other people and out of the fruits of my labors. Anyway, I will explore this further. Thank you so much

Here's a poem I wrote today....maybe it might resonate.


We Are a Tapestry

We are a tapestry,
made of a strong, heavy cloth,
woven and completed over our lifetime.
Intertwining threads from the past,
and threads from just yesterday,
this tapis tells our life.
As time passes, it changes,
our perceptions alter with new experiences,
the tapis, is a fluid accounting of our life----

This tapestry we create,
woven so intricately,
is constantly reshaping it’s design.
Some impressions and images,
clearly remind us of stories past,
fun-filled memories of friendships and joy.
Others pictures depict a history,
times that were dark, jumbled, filled with hopelessness,
with faded scenes of memories barely recognizable.

It is those faded scenes,
we strain to recall,
needing to know, to be sure.
Cleverly, our mind fills in the gaps,
with what makes sense, and then we forget,
our history then distorted.
As we consider our tapestry,
and it’s negative images,
we begin not to see the truth, but illusions of the past.

Our tapestry is us,
we come into being from our past, which include....
our feelings, memories, failures, and successes.
The past is not our whole, and does not dictate,
the final tapis of our life.....
We can have a tapestry to be admired,
if we choose to change-to weave it differently.
Whatever has befallen us,
our life is our completed tapestry,
and so potentially very, very beautiful.

oh my God, this is beautiful prose. So very pertinent thank you. As I said before Oh, I'm going to be addressing exactly what you have written in another thread. Please check it out. Thank you :-)

I invite you to follow this far out and groovy new thread regarding the subject

trauma programs more trauma, and resolving it with ego dissolution

 

[NatBird]

I can relate. I am sorry things feel so shit for you right now. I know this space and to some extent I am experiencing this right now. Like you, I have worked with teacher plants, I also continue to do ancestral work, I am training as a body psychotherapist, in therapy twice per week, currently in step 4, my third, this time ACoA. (This for me is the mothership. There will be no more 12 step groups for me after this. Everything else deals with symptoms) And yet, I feel f*cked, like I always end up in the same place: all my efforting, hard work etc has amounted to nothing

And then I am reminded, sometime by my inner protector, mostly by friends and a therapist, that this is likely the voice of the Inner Critic. The voice that is petrified of change. The voice that tells me all my work and all I have achieved don't mean shit. The voice that keeps me focused on what hasn't happened yet and what's missing. I often find when I have these moments its likely big changes are happening and same goes for when I feel stuck

I am not dismissing how you feel. I hear that hopelessness is real. And I know how hard it is to keep dragging yourself through the days and weeks with this feeling sleeping underneath everything

I am just wondering if this is the voice of a critic?

And then I am reminded that there are small shifts and these add up to bigger changes. I am still shit when it comes to romantic relationships but much better than I ever was. On good days I think a family of friends and an intimate companion is possible, much more possible than it ever was

Do you see any shifts?

I am also wondering if you want to and are able to access therapy?

Also to reiterate other feedback; you sound like you have done/achieved a lot. You have tried a lot of things to develop/grow that many people are scared to do

Are you able to spend time absorbing achievements, what you like about you etc.? I'm not trying to push sone glib self esteem exercise but step four (depending on the fellowship and sponser) can be quite cruel and leave you feeling like a shit or you aint shit. It's important to have stuff to counter balance

Okay I have waffled enough. Wishing you well

 

[maryiscontrary]

I can relate. I am sorry things feel so shit for you right now. I know this space and to some extent I am experiencing this right now. Like you, I have worked with teacher plants, I also continue to do ancestral work, I am training as a body psychotherapist, in therapy twice per week, currently in step 4, my third, this time ACoA. (This for me is the mothership. There will be no more 12 step groups for me after this. Everything else deals with symptoms) And yet, I feel f*cked, like I always end up in the same place: all my efforting, hard work etc has amounted to nothing

And then I am reminded, sometime by my inner protector, mostly by friends and a therapist, that this is likely the voice of the Inner Critic. The voice that is petrified of change. The voice that tells me all my work and all I have achieved don't mean shit. The voice that keeps me focused on what hasn't happened yet and what's missing. I often find when I have these moments its likely big changes are happening and same goes for when I feel stuck

I am not dismissing how you feel. I hear that hopelessness is real. And I know how hard it is to keep dragging yourself through the days and weeks with this feeling sleeping underneath everything

I am just wondering if this is the voice of a critic?

And then I am reminded that there are small shifts and these add up to bigger changes. I am still shit when it comes to romantic relationships but much better than I ever was. On good days I think a family of friends and an intimate companion is possible, much more possible than it ever was

Do you see any shifts?

I am also wondering if you want to and are able to access therapy?

Also to reiterate other feedback; you sound like you have done/achieved a lot. You have tried a lot of things to develop/grow that many people are scared to do

Are you able to spend time absorbing achievements, what you like about you etc.? I'm not trying to push sone glib self esteem exercise but step four (depending on the fellowship and sponser) can be quite cruel and leave you feeling like a shit or you aint shit. It's important to have stuff to counter balance

Okay I have waffled enough. Wishing you well

yes, it is my inner critic and my willful Ego. I am in underearners anonymous, which is a fascinating program that has a lot of people who have worked multiple 12-step programs, and still wonder why life is so stuck.
as a result of this forum, my 12-step work, and thinking things through, I have to rework my ego, and basically dissolve it.
It is because are traumas train us like Pavlov's dog, both in operant In classical conditioning. In a lot of this was done in a pre verbal stage of our development, so this is deeply entrenched often times.
I am proud to say that I have arrived at a time that I feel confident to reprogram my reality, and toss that old ego out, and if I'm lucky keep it out. At worst, reconstruct it in a more healthy fashion. so the third and fourth step have really been the turning point. The plant medicines and just hanging out with The Groovy indigenous gave a good head start, but giving up this ego with the help have you guys and others is what I need to do next. Thank you so much for your lovely comment.

 

[feixapreta]

Hi Mary! First of all, I love you! Secondly, there are people who love you, some you haven't met yet. Counselors are good, but I've found great help and love through pastors and mentors. People of Faith can have a huge impact on teaching us to love ourselves and learning that others love us! There is Hope!! Keep seeking!!!