Feel Like Less Of A Man After This

[Putow]

When I was a child my abuser not only made me have sex with him, but he stuck a needle in the hole of my private area (I'm a male) until it bled out and he kept doing that so often, followed by putting his mouth around it afterwards. It was honestly the most painful thing I've ever experienced and last year after going to my doctor to test it, I found out I can no longer have kids due to so much damage. I still randomly bleed from the area and get shooting sharp pains.

I feel alone in this case, because I am a man but honestly feel more comfortable around women after my abuse. I never wanted kids, but hearing someone say there's so much damage that I can't... it's different.

I guess I'm not looking for anything other than to be heard, tonight. I've never been the same since that appointment. Or since that night, for that matter, as a child.

 

[Vumu]

Damn, I'm so sorry this happened to you. You are not at all less of a man. I'm listening. :hug:

 

[Usutaf]

Thanks for the post Putow welcome. I am sorry for what happened to you. you are not a lone in this any more. I'm glad that you found us. Lots of good, caring and supportive people here. Hope to see you around.
Peace be safe

 

[Genoce]

Partly physical but also due in part to some of my sexual abuse events I am a barren woman. I did want a child or children however if you flip it on it's side, I was still a woman. I was just a woman who couldn't bear children.

I'm very sorry that you still have pain and other complications due to the abuse.

It is not unusual to prefer the company of women in cases of male on male sexual abuse. However you can if you choose to eventually overcome this and have more balanced life relationships rather than resigning yourself to avoidance of your gender with time and effort when you are ready. It is not necessary to do so of course, it is just that personally for me, avoidance of certain people/types/situations really never served me well in the longer term even though it afforded me some comfort and ease initially.

So far as masculinity goes... you're still a man, you're a man who has had sexual trauma. I hope this helps you.

 

[Ugiz]

I'm so sorry this happened to you. It absolutely doesn't make you any less of a man. It makes whoever did this to an innocent child less of a human.

I still have pain because of the csa and it's so hard. It takes me right back there. It's so shit I'm sorry you're suffering. Take good care of yourself.

 

[Iji]

I'm sorry for the abuse you went though. Glad that you found us you are not alone in this any more. Lots of caring and supportive folks around to talk to. What happen to you did not make you less of a man. The guy that did this to you is the lessor man.
Peace be safe

 

[Defevo]

Putow, not only are you still a man but you are an extremely brave man!! So sorry this happened to you. Please be safe and take care of yourself.

 

[Ivuf]

As a man, I completely understand how you would feel like less of a man. I myself definitely feel like less of a man due to what I've been through as well (spousal abuse).

Therapists have often told me that my masculinity has nothing to do with the abuse, but all the therapists who have told me that were women. I think we are right to feel how we feel.

 

[Jinup]

As a female who also experienced csa and was later rendered unable to bear children after several domestic violence experiences, I deeply empathize. The strong maternal instinct I had would never be able to come to fruition as nature intended, allowing me to form that special bond I longed to experience one day, all thanks to that f'n jerk. We've been injured by sick individuals, not lessened, even though it certainly feels that way at times. Wishing you well.

 

[Ahip]

I am so sorry for the brutal way you were treated as a child. And that it left you feeling less of a man.
We can tell you that in our eyes you coming forward and sharing makes you more of a man.it won't change how you feel, tho you may feel a.little better for sharing it and finding out you are not alone and have support.
But as you go forward on your healing journey You will have the ability to reframe what being a man is. What it means to YOU.
The monster can not take that from you! You will find what that means to you and no one will ever be able to make you doubt yourself again.
Very glad you are here. Together we accomplish some amazing changes.
You are not alone!.

 

[Sepiz]

You are a man of courage. You are courageous to come forward and you were courageous enough to discuss it with a doctor. I admire your strength.

 

[Putow]

Thank you guys, for all of your kindness and support. It means a lot. I certainly don't feel brave or courageous. In fact, I just feel bad. Like I'm a bad person, for being angry. I was so angry at people for years, that I became someone loud and outspoken for a while, when I remembered, instead of the calm and somewhat shy and reserved person I normally am.

I hope I can get myself to tell my therapist in our session later today, but I just feel awkward to talk about it. The worst part for me was that this happened on my birthday -- and because of that, I've never liked celebrating my birthday.