Feel Like My Therapist Is Trying To Get Rid Of Me

[Poofycat]

Ever since the beginning of January I've felt like my therapist wants to get rid of me. Intellectually I know that's not the case (well 99% sure), but I read everything he says and does, especially body language, as him not wanting me there. He went on vacation at the beginning of January so we had a three week break. I went once or twice after that but it was mostly playing catch-up. Then my husband and I were scheduled to come in together, and I sent him a photo of this relationship pyramid my husband and I made for our friends (it's funny, but we took it really seriously, and it's referenced constantly in our friend group), and about an hour later he emailed saying he was really sick and we would have to reschedule. So I immediately thought that I had messed up by emailing the pyramid to him and now he hates me.

Then my husband and I came in, and it went pretty well except I often felt like they were talking about me like I wasn't even there. I guess that's my fault for not speaking up more, but it was a strange experience to have my husband there in what had previously been my safe space. Maybe that's part of it.

My T has actually rearranged his schedule to be more available to me lately. But when I go lately it seems like he's slouching over and less receptive to what I'm saying. And we're making some changes to my drugs, which I HATE doing. I would love to be off of them but I'm pretty sure I would sink into a black hole and kill myself. So we spend a lot of time talking about that. Then yesterday he mentioned that hypnotherapy might be really good for me, but it's something he doesn't do. So I read that as he thinks I should stop seeing him. I left in a really bad mood yesterday. I don't even think I said bye as I walked out the door. I emailed him today to tell him how I felt, and he wrote back thanking me for the note and suggested we work on making me feel comfortable communicating my needs.

Sorry this is so long. I mainly want to know if these thoughts are normal. Is feeling frustrated by your T a good sign or bad sign? Or is this just more disordered though?

 

[sun seeker]

I emailed him today to tell him how I felt, and he wrote back thanking me for the note and suggested we work on making me feel comfortable communicating my needs.

That, I think, is the part you need to concentrate on. Therapy is the arena where we work out other relationships. I'm guessing this is not the first relationship where you have not been sure whether you are wanted. Therapists are trained to talk through issues like this and not take them personally. I strongly encourage you to talk to him about how you feel... and if that's hard to do, back up to talking about how it's hard to talk about how you feel.

Is feeling frustrated by your T a good sign or bad sign?

Depends. If you feel safe enough to talk about why you feel frustrated, it's a sign you are making progress. If you don't, and you can talk about why you don't feel safe enough, well, you will make progress that way too. Communicate as much as you possibly can. If he's a good therapist, he'll handle it fine and the way he handles it will be a gauge for you to measure other relationships by, if that makes sense. I know you're worried, but if at all possible, don't be. This situation sounds normal to me.

 

[Chava]

I emailed him today to tell him how I felt, and he wrote back thanking me for the note and suggested we work on making me feel comfortable communicating my needs.

That sounds excellent. Also great you told him how you felt. It's important to work on that communication stuff. I've told my therapist I feared she would give up on me, hated me, and thought I was disgusting. I've also quit and sent a teddy bear I was borrowing back in the mail...then returned the next week because she always handles this stuff calmly and encourages me not to quit...tells me I'm not disgusting, etc. I don't freak her out the way I freak myself out, apparently.

Honestly, in hindsight, it might be fair for me to consider that sometimes my therapist might have been tired or even a little f*cking bored by me because I can become so isolative and non-receptive, even to her, in therapy. But overall she does a good job keeping connected and feeling present. I've stopped reading into everything so much. But I did have to get through a lot of those fears...helped a lot to realize I could communicate these fears with her directly because that was a lot of what I had to work with (attachment stuff, not connecting, not trusting, etc).

Sharing these fears with your therapist is very good. I hope it helps and the two of you can create some new understanding. It has been a slow-evolving thing for me (partly it took a long time to even feel like my therapist was "real").

 

[Justmehere]

In addition to communicating your needs to him, I think it may also help to explore other parts of the fear and explore with him other aspects that may be playing a role in this, like any possible past abandonments, or other losses of relationship, or past experiences of feeling unwanted, beliefs about what would happen if he did leave, what would help you know or feel like he is not leaving or wanting to get rid of you, if this feeling comes up elsewhere, and if you feel like you deserve his help, or other possible negative self image issues, etc.

I regularly fear my therapist will quit on me, and that she will do so rather suddenly. So I keep telling her, "I'm scared you will quit now." I think I have said this about 20 times in the past 8 months to my therapist. (Yes, I have the MOST patient therapist ever.) We keep working through it. It's helping me feel better about therapy and in other relationships in my life, even when I had no fear of the person leaving or not wanting me around.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I agree. Talk more about it. Your therapist might be able to offer an explanation that will make their actions make sense. I've often thought these same things, but once I talked about it with them, I realized that it was actually I that was overreacting.

 

[Poofycat]

Thanks for the comments everyone! I hadn't considered the deeper issues that could be at play. Lots of food for thought here...

 

[Poofycat]

Now I'm emailing him telling him how I want his office furniture arranged! :arghh;:banghead::cry:

 

[Justmehere]

You are stating things you want! That's good! I know that furniture arranging is not what you really went to therapy for, but this is not all bad.

There was a time with my therapist where I was super annoyed with a weird looking lamp. My therapist knew it was about the lamp, and it was really about the relationship and so much more. (It turned out she hated the lamp too - it was her office mate's lamp.) I was also really trying to avoid my weird trauma history and how out of sorts I felt trying to trust someone, especially someone with a weird lamp! ;) lol.

I still move a seriously insane amount of pillows every time I go in, and I always want to face the window, while others like to face the door... everyone needs and wants and likes something different, and that's ok! Whatever might help you feel safer and better in therapy is important to communicate.

Maybe there is about something bigger you want control over, or maybe it really is all about the furniture being positioned very badly... but at the end of the day, what you are doing is good because you are communicating what you want in the relationship, and so much is therapy is about the relationship. Even the relationship to the furniture! Now your therapist knows how you feel, and you both can keep navigating this together.

Hang in there! :hug:

 

[Chimera]

I once had a doctor who became ill, with cancer. Of course he didn't share this with me...but he was different, and I couldn't understand and immediately internalized it. I hadn't seen him in about a year, when I went back, he had passed away, I never knew.

We see our caregivers in a particular way, with definit parameters, we forget that they also have lives and at times their lives may bleed through. They are professionals surely, but human all the same.
Talk it out with your T if they meet most of your needs, be kind to self and others..
Good luck

 

[Neverthesame]

I often felt like they were talking about me like I wasn't even there.

Is it possible that this happened because your husband was having trouble with talking candidly to the therapist, while including you into the conversation?

From the way you described it, it sounds like he might have just compartmentalised you out of the forefront of his mind, so he could spit out what he needed to say, then maybe the therapist just rolled with it.

Not saying you are in anyway wrong to be put off by that. Whatever the reason, it's impolite to do that.

I'm of course not trying to lay guilt or negativity on you. Your feelings are totally valid. I'm just offering a possible benign rationale for it, from a male perspective. In case you find it helpful.

 

[GardenGirl0214]

I had a similar situation several months ago with my T. She suggested that EMDR therapy would most likely help me, but she isn't trained in that type of therapy. I have serious abandonmentissues, which she knows about, so my first response to her was, "How could you even suggest that? " It turns out that she still wants me to see her while I do the EMDR therapy. She felt the additional support would be helpful. So, perhaps your T meant something similar for you by suggesting the hypnosis. Talking about it will clear up any uncertainty.

 

[Klo]

Therapists are trained to talk through issues like this and not take them personally.

Honestly though it would be cool if they were in the habit of reminding clients about this once in a while. If you've been conditioned to feel afraid of confronting concerns with someone, and you're not getting any signs from your therapist that things will be different with them, and the therapist can't read your mind, then it's pretty easy to get stuck just like that.