Feel Like Re Experiencing, Again...how Many Times Can This Possibly Happen In One Lifetime??

[Jadie Rose]

Wish there were a forum on flashbacks and nightmares, because now that I know I dissociate, I'm feeling the terror all over again. I don't trust my Dr's suddenly, and am thinking they are all plotting against me to get me. The night the three guys were looking at me with funny looks in their eyes as I walked in to the party, including my best friend and soul sister in life's ex boyfriend and his two best buddies, my intuition told me something was wrong and I did not listen to it - how could HE possibly ever hurt me, I thought?! Oh I feel sick to my stomach right now just typing this out. I cannot put two and two together anymore and am so panicked I'm being set up by all my many Dr's within my one network (they all work together under one corporation). Why am I going through this again? I'm so scared, I cannot relive that shit again. I already have before and the nightmares were SO bad for weeks, they finally seemed to have subside. Now I'm flashing back to all of last year as I went through this same exact shit and I cannot do it again. I feel crazy. I don't know how to calm these uneasy feelings down and who the hell am I supposed to talk with about any of this when I can't trust my Dr's right now. I'm so afraid, I can't do it again. I would rather die than re experience it all over again. WTH is wrong with me right now, why am I so mistrustful?

I keep flashing back to my appts. recently and certain things each Dr said and it's like a whirlwind of the same very intense repeats of things each said and it all will not stop. It's been going on for days now and I'm so scared. Just tried to get my dog to distract me but they are getting more and more intense and I can't stop it. I just canceled my appts and group because I cannot go back to that awful confusing place again. I cannot freak out on another professional again, but I'm sensing they did this on purpose to see if I'm telling the truth about their co-workers. I worked for VERY large corporations and I know in project management we wanted to work together, as a team, to get on the good side of our customers and influence their decisions towards us, and now I am just feeling like that is what all my Dr's are doing to me and purposely did things to see if I really would panic, fight, flight, have nightmares and re experience all over again, like I did last year but did not know I was going through that until just after the three suicide attempts in Nov. Oh gawd, this is all so confusing and so intense and just, like i said, whirlwind of each of my provider's heads getting bigger and saying something and taking me back to my responses based on what they said, or how they said it, and how i reacted (does this even make any sense at all??).

I'm freaking out. I'm so scared. When I re experienced the gang rape all over again last year with the experiences I was having with all my MDs and surgeries, etc. it was the worst experience of my entire life, only next to what I experienced for a year after the gang rape. i don't know if I can handle any of this and i have to find a way to stop this right now from possibly happening again. But how, their fces and what they said and it all whirlwinding around my head so fast, I don't know how to control any of this. I'm so scared right now. I wish I could cry but I can't, I don't have any emotional feelings any longer, haven't for many months now. My head hurts so badly right now. Oh I just have no idea how to even explain how intense this ALL is right now.

 

[J'qel]

First things first. Stop and look around, really *look*. You're here, not there. You're safe now. Touch and feel what's around you, recognize that you're in *this* place not that one. You're in the here and now. Breathe.

Now, find something very very sensory, maybe a hot bath with scented oils, maybe a very soft warm robe and some extremely rich chocolate or wine. Subsume yourself in feeling it. Let yourself revel in the feel of it.

Think about nothing else but that.

Now-you do need to see someone for an emergency appointment if these things are speeding up, Something in your environment may be causing it, anything from lack of sleep to a particular colour. You need to get in and find out your primary cause. Then you need to find something to ward it off.

I've suggested to other things that you can smell or touch that can give you comfort. This may be a good idea. Our sense of smell is heavily linked with memories. It would be good to find something that you can slip in a small bag to take with you that carries a smell that you think of as comforting, safe or happy. Take it with you and use it when you need to relax. If you have to, go to bathroom stall so people don't see it.

But above all, do get an appointment. If you can't trust your current T for this, find another one. You're speeding up, so you need someone to help you slow it down.

In the meantime, fill your brain with senses and smells that make you realize where you are and when you are. Pull your head out of where it's out and drown it in something else, books, music, whatever you need.

 

[Jadie Rose]

First things first. Stop and look around, really *look*. You're here, not there. You're safe now. Touch a...

THANK YOU, my friend. J'qel I really needed that!!!! I know you know what I mean, it is all happening so damn fast and I get lost in it and reading your post and the way you wrote it, truly helped me snap out of it (I call them whirlwinds, spinning and spinning around my head ). I am breathing deeper and, albeit very very slowly, finally calming down a bit (whooh, getting caught in that sucks the energy right out of you as it just whirlwinds faster and faster, and the emotional intensity is unexplainable, so I deeply and gratefully thank you for your post, but even more so for your words. I am finally taking long deep breaths and after grabbing my UGG long robe and placing it on me, that just calmed down sooooo much, touching and feeling it in my hands and in between my fingers. Oh WOW, aaahhhh...I'm calming down and able to take deep breaths. I am going to take a bath and light some candles and play one of my favorite live concerts featuring Rihanna and Eminem supporting the troops in D.C. for veterans day. Ahhhh...I am moving much better into a more relaxed place. There is nothing worse than THAT FEELING lingering for hours and just intensifying.

I'm so very appreciative, J'qel, you wrote that when (and the exact way you did! That major panic feeling and the ever so intense fear that rose up just took my body and mind completely over and THANK you, again, J'qel, I'm much more grounded now and feeling a little bit safer - you are WONDERFUL to just understand what I was even typing there, as I was caugt up in it all at that very moment. Now i am in such a peaceful and relaxing state of mind and the tension in my head has put me, now, into a sense of melting into my bed and feeling so relaxed while breathing well. I feel somewhat dreamlike, almost. Whhew!!! Time for a hot bubble bath and candles and some good music.

J'qel I will go in to see someone, immediately, in the morning. Think right now I just want to take a nice long hot bath with bubbles and relax for a bit and just go to sleep. In the AM I will reach out to someone for help. I cannot go to that gawd awful place again like have before!! You are pure AWESOME, my friend!!!!

 

[Deleted member 38644]

I stopped reading when I got to the second paragraph. You're basically describing me. I don't want anyone mumbling behind me. When I go to class I sit in the back. I don't trust doctors or psychiatrist because they got a habit of thinking your trauma experiences are funny. all day long I relive flashbacks in my head that cause images of future trigger moments that actually is a dream. I'm afraid of going to see a therapist but Its mandatory that I have to but she or he gone have to live in another State. I have an upcoming appointment but afraid to go. When I walk in parties I look at everyone like a suspect

 

[J'qel]

I am so very happy it helped. <3

I've had my own spirals of pain and depression, though my flashbacks are more sensory-for some reason I have a near photographic sensory memory. I remember what it felt like rather than see it. I know I usually have to distract myself from it or it can get bad *fast*.

The smell thing is just something I came across, and music, good deep voiced rhythmic music can soothe away most of the worst, for a little while. Especially if I thrown myself into the sounds and feelings.

Let me know how the appointment works out. Much (platonic) love to you and hoping that you can get some answers.

 

[Jadie Rose]

I stopped reading when I got to the second paragraph. You're basically describing me. I don't wan...

I understand the looking at everyone suspect, I cannot go to parties anymore at this age, I'm too afraid I will have a heart attack plus I'm no longer drinking so it would just be too much to handle on my own. It's an awful feeling and for the first time in my life, after 15 yrs all on my own (dissociating, apparently, all the time), it feels wonderful to just be able to be myself and write it out here with no judgment and actual real help from others who just get it. Of course, it's embarrassing still and re reading what I wrote as I was snapping out of it is even more embarrassing because I see how hard it still was even while I was slowly coming out of it and even thinking and typing was so hard at that time. But now I know what to do when that happens and what others are going through when they type similar ways/things. It's amazing to see when you actually dissociate and when you don't for the first times ever...it's like I'm a child again and seeing things for the first time ever, again, if that makes any sense). Hugs, Lauren!

 

[Jadie Rose]

I am so very happy it helped. <3

I've had my own spirals of pain and depression, though my flashbacks ar...

THANK YOU, again! You have no idea how much that meant to me. I was still in a very hypnotic state when I wrote you back above, and what terribly awful writing it was LOLOL. I woke this AM in a complete daze and lost my phone, somehow, in my bedroom and cannot find it for the life of me. So weird, how the senses work - that was my first time really experiencing dissociation while falling back into an almost re experience mode of some sort (have only dissociated in front of P & Trauma T's and really let it happen with them without any judgment, instead just confusion and somewhat shocked, past couple weeks...I used to just drink beer when I would start feeling strange like that and had zero idea what was even happening because I would just numb myself up and then text my brother, or boyfriends at the times, or best friends at time, etc. all sorts of awful things. I made an appt. with a neuro/trauma psychiatrist who works outside of my own large insurance company. He saw me at the hospital after one of the attempted suicides last Nov and worked with him for hour each day for three days while there. My brother is a trauma case mgr for another large insurance co. here in our big city, and this guy works for same company, so I'm just going to throw his very expensive fee on a credit card and see him periodically when I go through such things - guess inside I believe he can't hurt me because my very big brother is well known at his place of business and works with people he knows and I should feel safer then...I dunno, I'm just guessing that's how I feel right now. Anyway, I see him tomorrow afternoon and today, I am going to hang with a friend whom I can just be safe being myself with no matter what happens.

I am not sure if I'm actually visualizing or feeling flashbacks yet, or if it is even sound that brings things back. I just don't know yet. I'd never snapped out (well, I always drank beer before so to tell you the truth, this was first time I'd asked for help) by touching anything before, so perhaps that really helped bring me back to reality. All I know is I took my Risperdal and slept longer than I have in weeks (although I did wake up often sue to physical pain, but just kept falling back asleep anyway). No nightmares, think those might be over, for now anyway.

Much (platonic) love to you, too. Thanks, again, for being there for me, and I will definitely keep you posted on the appt tomorrow - I am so glad you made mention about how I need to talk with someone because my reaction was suddenly to email him (Neuro/trauma psychiatrist outside my own insurance but who already knows what's been going on and already safely helped me before...gut reaction, thankfully). Have a beautiful day, my new friend and TTYT! :hug:

 

[Deleted member 38644]

I understand the looking at everyone suspect, I cannot go to parties anymore at this age, I'm too af...

Same here as well!

 

[J'qel]

I am so glad you're doing better and got some sleep. Lack of sleep makes everything worse. I'll be waiting to hear how things go for you :)

Myself; I've got an appt with a psychiatrist because I've been rapid cycling through emotions (sometimes in an hour or so) but getting back on seroquel has helped slow it down. Maybe we can swap "so there I was..." stories :) and commiserate about how this illness is a PITA.

Many hugs if you accept and hoping for some progress for you :)

 

[Jadie Rose]

I am so glad you're doing better and got some sleep. Lack of sleep makes everything worse. I'll be waitin...

Hi J'qel, Yes, let's do swap stories - I will private message you later and we can chat :) The 2nd trauma/neuro Psychiatrist appt. went REALLY good, he's awesome! He said it is horrible regular therapists and psychiatrist labeled me BPD because I'm clearly not and made me go back and read ALL the emails sent and received since summer 2014 - I forgot some of what I wrote and they wrote to me over the years. It was really good he made me do that because now I see how many times I had flashbacks and lucid dreams/nightmares and reported to them (even angrily begging for help many times re: gang rape and them traumatizing me by not helping me. I finally just lost hope this past Nov and better understand why I gave up and tried to commit suicide, because if 35+ Dr's (that includes multiple surgeons, few pain management plus PM therapist w PhD, multiple ER Dr's after seven visits, Primary and regular psychiatrist and 15 different therapists) didn't believe me (just saw them all since 2014), then nothing was worth it anymore. WOW, everything makes such better sense now and there is no psychosis - being traumatized after so many multiple Dr visits and getting no help after 2.5 years, I just lost hope in this world since no one I know has PTSD (mine is Complex, too).

Anyway, I will private message you soon. I am so completely exhausted after reading through the so many emails and letters I wrote all my Dr's and just want to go to sleep now. Just wanted to make sure I at least sent you a quick note to say thank you, again, and talk more soon!! Hugs to you, too, my sweet friend :) :hug:

 

[J'qel]

I am so glad everything went so well for you :hug:

It's nice to find that good therapist after having so many issues with others. My family doc when I was a kid thought I was a hypochondriac when I was younger because my mother kept bringing me in every time I said I was "sick" (avoiding a test or assignment in clas) and because she kept talking about me-of course, as my abuser, she wasn't exactly the voice of accuracy.

When he did send me to a psych for eval, she told me that he was being a male anatomical part and that I should be proud of myself for not having a criminal record or addiction problem after what I went through. I avoided him for a while and then finally got new GP, and while better not as good. Four GPS later, I love my new family doc-me and my hubby. I adore her and hope that she doesn't retire until after I shuffle off this mortal coil.

I can only imagine going through that with therapists. I've only had three and two were really good, just too busy to keep my case.I'll be shopping around again soon.

Here's hoping that good things keep on a roll for you *hugs*